Al Qaeda Boycotts Arizona Over Immigration Law

"Jew-inspired Intolerance Must Not Be Tolerated"

A wave of human rights groups like La Raza, CPUSA, ACLU, CAIR, Hamas, ETA, and now, Al Qaeda, along with havens of light, like San Francisco, existing fearlessly in the dark, oppressed landscape of American middle class bourgeioisie values, are joining with many other Progressives in the massively growing "Boycott Arizona" movement worldwide, in response to the racist, crypto-Nazi laws attempting to stem the tide of over 1,200,000 people annually entering into Arizona "illegally."

Al Qaeda spokesman Ali-Baktu Barak made the announcement this morning from Geneva while attending a UN conference on "Tolerance, Peace and Destroying the Anti-Zionist Jew-Monkey:" "We, the holy warriors of Allah, forcefully united against the great Satan and the filthy monkey Jew-dog, stand in solidarity with all progressive peoples around the world against the extremist, Nazi-like discriminatory and anti-progressive racist policies of the state of Arizona. The Jews must be behind this sinister law! The hatred against the kaffir Mexican guest workers must stop immediately. In the interest of world peace, tolerance, and social justice we demand that the US borders become permanently open for all people seeking Allah's will for their lives and for the world or Arizona will face Allah's wrath - we will not visit the state! Ever!"

Underneath dozens of fluttering Che Guevara banners and Mexican flags waving in the Arizona breeze, anti-Arizona protestor and La Raza ("The Race") representative , Raul Espartaco, welcomed the news. "Arizona is worse than Nazi Germany...even worse than the racista USA...The racista gringos are pinche terroristas, extremistas and we welcome all peace-loving people's support in making just laws and for freedom." When asked why he was flying a Mexican flag in support of his right to live and work in the US without papers, he answered,"I love my country and my peoples even though it is a pinche hellhole of corruption, violence, and poverty. That is why I want to live and work here even though I hate the pinche US and everything it is and stands for." "Arizona belongs to Mexico anyway," said another protestor , Anna Marie Guadaloupe, from Sonora. "The gringos stole it from us so all we are doing is stealing it back so we don't have to live in Mexico anymore." When asked how the boycott may effect thousands of restaurant, hotel and other tourist workers of Mexican descent, she answered, "It's all good because here we can go on welfare here and get everything for free and even go home to Mexico to visit our families until these Nazi policies are stopped. Some of us even have our friends cash the welfare checks and send them down to us. I gotta go now, bye."

CAIR spokeman Ibrahim Muhammad Al-Hussein supports the boycott by Al Qaeda too. "Many of our other Islamic brothers have been unduly stopped and searched at airports and elsewhere simply for having a Quran, a heavy backpack, and false passports" he explained. "We know what it is to suffer persecution and hatred simply because of our religion which will dominate and take over the U.S. praised be Allah!!" Arizona state government spokesman Brad Cantrill responded to the Al Qaeda boycott. "We are only trying to protect the borders and uphold standing federal laws, but if Al Qaeda, CAIR and the Democrat Party would promise to stay away from our borders, we might consider dropping some of the harsher aspects of the bill."

Palin Threatens Violence, Mayhem and Mass Murder Against Democrats!!!

Invokes Nazi era. Tea Baggers are Storm-trooping.

Concerned Americans everywhere in San Francisco, Manhattan, and ACLU offices nationwide are deeply troubled and worried about the level of violent, extremist, angry rhetoric coming from political maverick and extreme extremist ex-Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin at her recent Tea Bagging speech in Nevada. One government study group, Front for Enlightened Americans for Responsible Speech (FEARS) took advantage of some very generous recently released funds from the Stimulus Bill project to do a complete, multi-million dollar research and investigation of the recent speech to determine how much of a danger to civil order and to the national interest is Sarah Palin due to this wildly incendiary, highly violent, extreme extremist speech. FEARS director, Dr. Wilson W. Moocher, made this announcement at a press conference from the study's temporary headquarters in St. Kitts: "There is no doubt in our minds - as a result of months of analyzing her speech last week, entire team of experts has determined that the extremely violent and provocative speech by Gov. Palin was clearly intended to incite armed revolution and violent overthrow of the US government as well as of the U.N." Dr. Moocher claimed. "This speech invoked the memory of Adolph Hitler's 'Beer Hall' speech in Hamburg," he added.


Dr. Moocher went on to specify the extremely violent rhetoric in the Palin Nevada speech that sent the media, from the New York Times, to MSNBC into mass investigations into the words and intentions of this speech. "Palin opened her extreme speech by saying we live in 'volatile times,'" Dr. Moocher explained. "This is a clear call to violent overthrow of the US government. The word 'volatile' is a highly incendiary word, especially in this context." "From there," Moocher went on, "the escalating violent rhetoric descended into a vile, boiling cauldron of hate-filled evil, couched in the extremely extremist bigoted of violent language." He then provided a massive list of the other more extreme wording used by Palin, including:

- Using the word "fighting" (as in 'fighting' for our country or for 'solutions.")
- Telling Obama and the Congressional Democratic leadership that they are "fired," clearly intending to incite some one to use fire arms on them.
- Mentioning several times the word, "cut" while slyly seeming to refer to taxes and spending, it was clearly meant to be code for encouraging bloody retribution against members of Progressive congressional seats.
- The repeated mention of "drilling" was a clear-cut, double-entendre reference to signify heteronormal terrorism against womyn, as well as violence and terrorism against Mother Earth.
- The mention of "getting involved" which was clearly code for taking up arms and attacking the government and its representatives.
- The mention of "true-blue-blooded Americans,"-- a surefire reference to racial superiority hearkening back to Nazism in its worse forms.
-Repeated references to violent, warlike words such as political "battlegrounds," "not retreating," reload," which is unmistakably referring to terrorist insurgent activity and the destruction of the world as we know it.

One highly respected news reporter, Keith Olbermann of MSNBC, tried to be balanced about the severe allegations that the study proved. "How much more proof do we need? Palin and anybody associated with her needs to be thrown in jail immediately with no parole. At the same time, we need to be cautious before we speak in public about some of these reports," Olberman said on his show. "The fascist, storm-trooping, Nazi-like rhetoric used by the extremely extreme extremist, Sarah Palin, deserves the utmost attention and forceful reaction of the most severe kind to squash this clear threat to out international safety and democracy as we know it. Silencing her and the extreme extremist media who are not critical of her is the only way to guarantee a free press."

How the Vikings Saved the World Way Before Copenhagen

Unusual Historical Precedent in the Crusade To End Global Warming and Balance Economic Opportunity

They were known throughout enlightened academia as "the Al Gores of the Middle Ages," and the world owes huge steaming piles of unspeakable and unmentionable debts of gratitude to the early global warming fighters - to the Vikings. As our concerned global leaders and thinkers, like Mahmoud Ahmedinejad, Fidel Castro, not to speak of Al Gore, crusade for planetary survaival, in between feasting on platters of pickled herring, the ancient Vikings also fought a long campaign with similar goals and strategies in an earlier, little-known climate crisis. While at the Global Warming Summit, leaders are are consorting in the ancient Viking capital of Copenhagen, pleading for more state empowerment for a one-world government takeover of petty nationalistic rights in order to combat global warming, hundreds of years before, the Vikings were, in their own unique way, seeking the same thing.

Leaving their cozy, quaint hobbit holes in Norway and Denmark, these proto-hippie nature lovers ventured out by the hundreds of thousands to sacrificially fight with inhuman courage to lower worldwide global warming trends during the Medieval Warm Period, thus saving the planet. They delicately closed down thousands of polluting blacksmith shops, bakeries, libraries and razed hundreds of thousands of polluting homes and chimney stacks, not to mention, they drastically reduced human population in many areas so as to limit carbon footprints. They pursued their climate reduction campaign from southern Europe to the far coasts of Greenland, Ireland and even Nova Scotia. As early ecologists, their intense love for Mother Earth, or Gaia, or Thor, compelled them on their sacrificial worldwide campaign against earlier global warming, even though the warmer temperatures had helped them by melting much ice thus helping them to navigate the North Sea and the farther reaches of the eastern North Atlantic Ocean. At times they had to slaughter naysayers and skeptics who were the equivalents of the white-hooded, subhuman Holocaust-deniers and genocidal homophobic flat-earthers of our days, otherwise known as global-warming skeptics.

Many modern scientists, receiving millions of dollars in government grant money, agree that the massive rise in temperatures in the 800-1100 period was leading to the literal extinction of all living beings had it been allowed to continue unabated. As the Vikings sought through persuasion and education to convert the backwards peoples of Europe and elsewhere as to the dangers of rampant capitalism and greedy polluters of the earth, their herculean efforts gradually paid off, leveling the temperatures and thus saving the planet and life as we know it.

Michael Moore's New Movie Under Attack by Capitalists

His Anti-Capitalism Film Tanks at the Box Office

Recalling ex-Pres. Clinton's blaming of "vast right-wing conspiracies" as the reason for both Clinton's and Pres. Obama's struggles to institute a system of social justice through national socialism, Michale Moore today also blamed the disastrous lack of interest by movie-goers in his brilliant, anti-capitalist propaganda film, "Capitalism: A Love Story,"on the same unknown members (likely Jewish though) of this deviously sinister conspiracy. "Greedy corporate sponsors are not donating to help us promote this project. We have not been able to buy enough air time," Moore explained to our LFL correspondent at his Upper Eastside Manhattan penthouse. "The illusion of prosperity that we have had for over 200 years has simply brainwashed the stupid, moronic American public, who are the stupidest people on earth in like, history, so much that even the best and most massive propaganda efforts in history of the media and academia for the last 30 years, cannot dissuade the majority of stupid Americans from the evils of capitalism. They are so stupid!"

Meanwhile on Capitol Hill, Rep. Barney Frank (MA-D) called for an investigation into this right-wing conspiracy and a proposed bill that would help struggling filmakers like Michael Moore to finance their films by having the federal government pay for their showing in public schools. "It's question of art. We must squeeze the creative juices of our artistic people to produce more flims like Capitialism: A Love Story, even if it seems there is not audience to watch it," he said to a receptive audience at the annual meeting of Progressives For Fairness, Freedom in Films and Truth! (PFFFT!) It's founder, ex-porn filmmaker, Art Scuzddly, called for even more drastic measures. "Progressive community organizers must go out in their local communities and seize the evil capitalist greedy, money-grubbing theaters and demand that "Capitalism: A Love Story" be the only movie shown for the next two months in the interest of fairness and freedom."

When asked about his next project, Moore stated that he was working on a movie about the evils of the food and dieting industry.

Holder Will Prosecute Bush Administration!

Ground Zero To Be Named, "Mohammad Atta Islamic Peace Plaza."

In announcing the long-desired for prosecution of Bush, Cheney, Obama administration Attorney general, Eric Holder, said today, "The vile criminals responsible for this war, 9/11, inumerable crimes against humanity, terrorism, and practically all evil in the world since the Romanoff family will be brought finally to justice!!" before a gathered crowd of Code Pink activists, Nation of Islam ministers, ACORN leaders and SEIU union representatives.

"This is a day of victory. We have long fought for freedom and for the downfall of the U.S," said Code Pink leader and community organizer, Vladamir Maryanne Westheimer.

Holder then later flew to NYC to speak before another crowd of Islamic and progressive community organizers to announce the naming of Ground Zero as, "The Mohammad Atta Islamic Peace Plaza."

Politically Correct Agitator Attire Album

Reports of "Brooks Brothers", Old Navy, Dockers and Other Protest Fashion Horrors Provokes Cries of "Foul!!" From Democrat National Socialist Fashion Experts

Sen. Barbara Boxer expressed outrage at so-called health care protestors outrageous attire of "Brooks Brothers suits" to agitate, yell, protest, disrupt, and "stormtroop" peaceful Democratic legislators explaining of the proposed state-controlled takeover of health care for U.S and Mexican citizens. "Everyone with the most basic, decent, and civil respect for civil protest knows that that is not how you dress for riots, marching, and stormtrooping!" she cried on a live interview with the utterly mortified Chris Matthews.

As experts in radical-chic fashion for many years, we have catalogued an array of politically-correct protest attire so that protestors will be aware and prepared to not offend progressive sensibilities and fashion experts like Sen. Boxer and Chris Matthews.

Looking for a way to boldly declare that classic progressive-socialist message, "We socialists are way smarter than you dumb redneck reactionaries, and we got the brains coming out the wazoo to prove it?" Here, "Code Pink" Claudette shows in a smashing combo that pink is not only acceptable, but perfectly revolutionary!!! As an added benefit, her design gloriously plays upon the "pinko" theme in a subtle, yet humorously ironic way. Bravo, Claudette! Your brains are showing!


If pink is not your dealio, celebrity progressive fashion maven and shoe stylist Ricardo Reid might like to seduce you into one of the hottest radical-chic fashion trends today -Gitmo Orange! Express your politically-correct progressive rage at Amerika and solidarity with Sheik Muhamad Khalid. Just make sure your name isn't Julius!


This daring young fashion-forward Berkeley glamazon, Hector, has ingeniously combined the nostaligic Ho Chi Minh look with a dash of Palestinian-Hamas sashe acoutrements in a statement that is sure to deliciously offend the US capitalist-Zionist entity with a one-two punch for radical fashion!! Hello? Yayness?



Voila! Sometimes they say, "Less is more, mon ami!" Need we say more of Haight Street stylists, Stanley and Siggie's daring makeunder statement!!?





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Right on!!! "Boston" Bart demonstrates virtual poupourri of vintage radicaleeze, creative, and yet color-coordinated! A smoragsborg of deliciously politically-correct, progressive totalitarianist causes and ideology that young'uns like this hopeful Maoist radical can visually nosh upon





Yo! Black is always back, especially these days as these two "City of Bro-love" fashion models, "G-hawd" and "Honky-X," don the ubiquitous and daringly provocotive black berets and nightstick accesories. Sure to cause a stir at your local polling booth! Black is the new black!! Waddup!




Back to the Left Coast, Santa Cruz stylin' pioneer, Adam, displays a trickle-up trendy "Love Pain" tatoo gorgeously combines the patriotic red, white, blue motif that is sure to tickle your radically Democrat-socialistic and nationalistic sentiments, replete with adorned undergarments to create a lovely sensually proletarian statement of solidarity and revolution! Right on! Power to the People!!






And last but not least, Al-Akbarack's absolutely fab combination creates the ever-growing popular and delectibly edgey "Palestinian Suicide-bomber" look, replete with faux cell-phone accessory! Yummy for your eye tummy!!!




WE ask all progressive-minded citizens and comrades to please be on the lookout for fashion treason and protest clothing horrors, and report it to: flagfashionterrorism@whitehouse.org

Pres. Obama To Name "Squeaky" Fromme As "Family Values" Czar

Former Manson-follower and assailant of Pres. Ford will not be jobless on Aug. 16th when she is released from after 25 years in prison. In his 2,102nd press conference since his election, Pres. Obama announced, "I made a promise of hope and change when I was elected. It is clear that the American family is in grave danger. It is failing due to the failed policies of the past failed administration in the past nightmarish eight years and my administration will change that. Ms. Fromme has for years belonged to an alternative family structure that offers hope and change to the way things were done before."


Ms. Fromme expressed her gratitude and acceptance of the post at a news conference at a Fort Worth, TX prison yard. "As never before, this President has a wonderfully open mind about exciting new paradigms and values for the American family, a vision I hope to bring about." She went on to tell of her prison experience as being a time of growing, learning and understanding different understandings and ways 'family' could be defined and restructured so as to provide alternative policies and opportunities to the past failures. She went on to vow, "As the new Family Values czar, I will use my extensive life experience in various alternative family structures and lifestyles to reshape and recreate the failed American family of the Bush administration into a new, vibrant, and closer type of family than we have ever seen before!"

"I will give myself undyingly, unreservedly, unquestionably to this position, this vision, and Pres. Obama as I have never given my energies and devotion to anything or anyone before," she declared as prison officials led her away.

The Stimulating Sexulus Package

While Economy Goes Horribly Frigid, Economic Viagra Is On the Way!

After emerging sweaty from desperate Congress behind many closed doors and drawn curtains, Pres. Obama, allegedly smoking a cigarette, made good on his promise to change the world by forcibly enacting the most sweeping, penetrating spending bill in all human history. "This bill will give birth to a new era of economic opportunity. We aim to stimulate the flacid, weak economy the Bush administration left us by vigorous, energetic, and hard-hitting spending programs that will simply make your head spin," he announced.

In the same month, Congressional leaders, Pelosi, Rangel, and Reid emerged laughing giddily and hysterically from simular private sessions where Republicans were strangely excluded from, to announce another spending bill, the Omnibus Bill, replete with over 9,000 earmarks, designed to drive the economy into a "frenzied, rapturous feelings of prosperity and afterglows of security and well-being," according to Rep. Pelosi (D-CA.)

Dour, puritanical Republican congressmen tried to throw cold water on the bacchanalian festivities and euphoric feelings the 3 TRILLION dollar debt- the most gargantuan spending in debt in all history, by not participating in the orgy of spending and not voting for the two bills. "The pleasure will be but momentary, the economic position is ridiculous, and the expense is utterly damnable," crowed Rep.Boehner(Rep-OH.)

Meanwhile, Obama economic czars commiserated for ways to further stimulate the dysfuntional economy, while porn industry leaders met with them to discuss ideas for stimulating the economy, while begging for hand-outs to prop up their flagging multi-trillion dollar industry- a large part of the growth in the US economy in the last decade. "Porn star families are suffering," said industry leader, hero and patriot Larry Flynt, who met with Obama advisors. "We can no longer afford to outsource these jobs to places like Thailand and Romania. This is a national tragedy and a disaster, not only for the largest growth sector in the American economy, but for our national culture." National Endowment for the Arts chairperson, Patrice Walker Powell, met with Flynt later in the week behind closed doors to discuss the bail-out of the porn industry.

Meanwhile, Obama economic czars, Volker and Reich, met with California lawmakers to discuss creating taxes on things such as the selling of virginity, as 22-year old California resident, Natalie Dylan recently did for 3.2 million dollars. "Economists have long understood that enormous potential for revenue exists by so-called 'sin taxes,' an archaic term for sure for a secular state, but nonetheless," Reich offered. Other Hollywood film industry leaders, porn leaders and Obama economic wizards met to discuss how both a stimulation of sexual activity, and a tax on such activity, might help resolve a fraction of the debt being run up by the various spending, bail-out, and social engineering projects the Obama administration has promised in oder to complet his campaign promise to a young, idealistic, hopeful constuency to "rock your world."

Atheists Cruelly Persecuted Across The Nation at Christmas

Here's a Lump of Lump in Your Little Religulous Reich Red Stocking

As if the extreme stress, the inhuman humiliation, and the violent hatred rationalist freethinkers (AKA atheists) suffer at this time of the year by cruel insensitive people blurting out, "Merry Christmas," or "Happy Holiday," or family members expecting presents wasn't enough. Last week, a small group of oppressed atheists in Washington state decided to lash back at their oppresors by excercisng their Constitutional right to joyfully express their belief in non-belief, and put up a sign at the Washington State Capitol Building last week expressing their faith in unfaith. But then, somebody with no Christmas spirit stole it and violently threw into a ditch! The atheists were emotionally crushed at seeing their Christmas sign so treated with disrespect, that now a new, more militant group has formed.

"This vicious act of intolerance by hateful fundie believers against believers of unbelief is the drop that finally broke the camel's back," begins the initial comunique of a new group of non-believing militants, Atheist Resistance to State Enforcement of Hate And Theology who has declared war, not just on Christmas, but on all religious imposition by the state and violations of the First Amendment. The spokesman for the militant group, Stanley Hircismus, 24, stated its objectives. "We are organizing at this moment to enforce the Constitution's 1st Amendment guarantee against the state establishing religions, by demanding that we get rid of every single reference to any sort non-material entities by any and all state entities."

"The obvious ones are the holidays - Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, MLK Day - they all must go. No longer must U.S. secular citizens have to put up with them, nor with bigotted, atheophobic jokes about not wanting to be an atheist because they have no holidays. Ha. Ha. Ha. Very funny. But guess what smart ass? Even the word "holiday" (Meaning "holy day,") must go." The group suggests that they will be called "vacation days," and we will hence take a holiday from all holidays.

The group is also vehemently protesting the calendar, starting with the days of the week. Hircismus clarified, "Some of our atheist brethren may object by claiming the days are named after a favorite topic of rational, scientific people - the physical bodies in space- yea, we love planets and stuff, especially the moons, but further scientific research reveals that the planets were really named after Roman, German, and Nordic gods! While we reserve very special disdain for Christianity," Hircismus continued while making a disdainful face, "even pagan deities should not be exempted. A good scientific atheistic way to name the days would be to simply number them. For example, 'Monday' then becomes, 'One.' Simple. Logical. Nobody gets offended."

Hircimus them mentioned another touchy area for secular humanists, freethinkers and rational people - the years. "Why do we have to have a year system based upon a man who was a myth because he supposedly did things that were mythological?" When I mentioned that courageous secular believers have managed to replace the AD-BC system with the more atheist-friendly 'CE' (common era,) Hircismus got visibly irritated. "But the whole damn...ooops, pardon my inadvertent reference to deity...thing stinks! No matter what you call it, it is still based and a mythological person that never existed and never could anyway! We demand the total ovehauling of the Gregorian calendar and that we start counting years with a non-religious figure perhaps." When asked who the group thought would best be fitted for marking a new calendar, Hircimus said, "Barack Obama, of course. He has brought science, hope and light to the world and will save us from our sins...I mean political and economic errors. We can start the new calendar, the new era with his inauguration on Jan.20 - which will become day 1 of month 1 of year 1. The previous time will just be called the Dark Ages and left at that."

Next, says the group, the days of the month are highly offensive and horrifically destructive of their Constitutional rights as believers in unbelief. "The first eight refer directly to old Roman deities, the last for are Latin names for "tenth" and so on. We say name them all according to their numbers. This is creative as well as easy to grasp. It takes atheistic minds set free from the shackles of belief to come up with such innovative thinking," Hircismus stated.

The group claims that many U.S. geographical locations oppress, insult, humiliate and deeply offend atheists such as - San Francisco. Hicismus became animated in our interview. "Can you imagine? The very seat of atheism in the U.S. and they dare name it after a saint?" Others places the group demands must immdiately be changed - Los Angeles, San Diego, Sacramento, Corpus Christi, St. Louis, San Antonio, Maryland, Virginia, St. Paul, ETC., ETC. Other suspicious ones like Phoenix, Atlanta, and Seattle should go too- better to be safe than sorry. Their spokesman added, "However, we have listed some new, approved, and exciting names that will not make atheists victims of state religion. They are Constitutionally-comliant, and honor some great non-religious people - Darwinburgh, Marxville, Leninton, Nietzscheland, Sartre City - there are many wonderful, non-offensive options!"

"The intolerance and fascist revoking of our Constitutional rights to not have religion shoved down our gullets cannot just stop there," the group's resistance comunique states, "As the Atheist Civil Liberties Union is litigating for this year, we demand an end to the Pledge of Allegiance for it's illegal refernce to deity. All swearing on Bibles - out! Out damned spot! "In God we Trust" - Oh no we don't! It must be immediately removed from all money. That religious crap on the Supreme Court building, and all national monuments must be immediately sandblasted into oblivion. Any institution receiving federal of state funds cannot ever, ever eve mention the vile word,"god" on its premises. And since we know Jefferson was really an atheist, we also know that the reference to deity in the Declaration of Independence was a later interpolation by devious Xians. It must be obliterated. The very document announcing our freedom deprives us of our freedom to be free of religion!Imagine!"

So, while you will not be getting any sappy "Merry Christmas," or "Season's Greetings," or absurdly laughable "Happy Holidays," out of either this group, or Bill Mahers, Chris Hitchens, Richard Dawkins, myself, as well as any other highly intelligent specimen of human existence, we will however, be willing to extend to you, our faithful readership, a heartfelt and totally secular...

,"Merry Fourth Quarter Events, and a Happy Fiscal New Year!!!!""

Would You Let Hitler Pray At Your Inauguration Ceremony?

Don't Let the Goofy Hawaiian Shirt Fool You!

One of the most incredibly outrageous and worrisome acts by a sitting Pres.-elect has just been announced today by Obama. We refer to the horrific and unfathomably wrong invitation by Pres.-elect of Saddleback Church pastor Rick Warren to give the opening prayer at his inauguration ceremony.

Although we tolerant progressives understand that he was elected to end the old politics of divisiveness and to unify the country, not based upon imaginary shared values or ideology, but rather based upon his amazing persona, even an extreme right-winger like Chris Hitchens agrees with the mighty uproar righteous indignation of the Progressive community on this one - Pres.-elect Obama has gone way too far on the inclusiveness bit. Rick Warren epitomizes the very heart of hatred, intolerance and evil.

Dr. Julian Bond, chair of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, declared recently in a speech that gay marriage a civil rights issue, just like rights for blacks. “African Americans, were the only Americans who were enslaved for two centuries, but we were far from the only Americans suffering discrimination then and now,” Bond said. “Sexual disposition parallels race. I was born this way. I have no choice. I wouldn’t change it if I could. Sexuality is unchangeable.”

Since denying gays marriage is like racism, logically, what Warren does is far worse it defies the mind! Even the Grand Dragon of the KKK would not be so hateful as to deny blacks the right to marry each other, would they? No! Not even Hitler would have even thought of denying Jews the right to marry each other, would he? He wouldn't have dreamed of it! But what Rick Warren and other evangelicals or orthodox believers do is so much more bigotted, discriminatory and inhumane than even the KKK or the Nazis!

But what has the progressive forces of tolerance and understanding in violent uproar is that the harbinger and torch-bearer of hope and change dares to invite him to...pray at his inauguration! My shock and dismay stuns me into utter silence...well, almost. Do not let the Hawaiian shirts and deceivingly open friendly look of this man delude you. If some being named Satan actually existed, and we know he doesn't, then Warren would be the embodiment of this supposed Beezlebub. If evil really existed, and of course it doesn't, then Rick Warren and Christians like him would be the very embodiment of evil and everything that is wrong with the planet. There is a limit to the tolerance of we tolerant progressives, and that limit has to be when the intolerance towards tolerance reaches intolerable levels of intolerance, then we must stand up and not tolerate the vile hateful intolerance of those who cloak their intolerance in the vocabulary of tolerance.

Is Rep. Barney Frank…^gulp^… god?

Or is the Anti-Christ a Gay?

As a Progressive militant since my 60’s youth, I have prayed to the gods of revolutionary class struggle for the ultimate demise of capitalism. Although I am a religiously fervent atheist, one must truly bow down and worship at the feet of this man, Rep. Barney Frank (D-MA). He must either be a secret a six-degree level master of something, or a supreme avatar of a higher civilization sent to mercifully rescue us from slavery of capitalism, as well as from the evil Christo-fascists and right-wing Americanists. Whoever he is, whatever planet he hails from, there seems to be a devilish super-intelligent mind working in and through him. The Force, even the dark side, is surely with him. Here is why.

Rep. Frank (D-MA) has a long-term concern for the poor and disenfranchised, and commitment to provide housing, and job opportunities, especially if they are poor, hot, young, disenfranchised males with ads in the back of Gay publications. As the minority, and now the majority chairman of the House Ways and Means committee, Barney and friends are largely responsible for the establishment of the policies that introduced government-sponsored and protected loans, forcing evil, greedy capitalist banks to give loans to oppressed minorities and disenfranchised home buyers, subverting the cruel free market in a glorious, humane way. By “friends,” I especially refer to another hot, young, gay male, this time Herb Moses, who not only had a key position at Fannie Mae (no homophobic pun intended), as well as a key interest in assuring that risky, non-solvent loans continued to be forced upon loan institutions and protected by interventionist policies, but he shared various positions, many times, with the Rep. Frank...in his bed...for several years...during the heat of the build-up of the crisis. No conflict of interest was involved, both men assert. “This is just about hot, steamy gay sex, that's all,” Frank assured his concerned but very, very, very tolerant constituents, not to speak of few pathetic homophobic Republican watchdogs. Many have focused on the policies that Rep. Frank promoted and protected as the chief cause of the current financial meltdown that our glorious comrades at the Washington Post signaled as “the end of capitalism.”

But here is where the sheer fabulous genius of the modern Progressive political discourse, as well as our MSM agents, and a true maestro like Barney Frank really starts to shine. When Republicans sensed the danger to their little oppressive free market system and sought to reform it, Rep. Frank violently opposed them and repeatedly blocked the efforts to regulate Fannie Mae, opting to not only protect Fannie Mae, but his own fanny, not to speak of that other fanny he knew so well seated at a desk in the higher echelons of Fannie Mae. He had the amazing braggadacio to say in Sept. of 2003, "'These two entities -- Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac -- are not facing any kind of financial crisis. The more people exaggerate these problems, the more pressure there is on these companies, the less we will see in terms of affordable housing.'' Yet, amazingly, he did not stop there. With the temerity of audacity, Frank turns and, blames capitalism and racism! Yes! It's true! The one who put the knife into the heart of the capitalist beast, blames the punctured, hemorrhaging heart for the death of the patient, rather than the knife and its wielder! Has there ever been such a Hannibal Lecter, some one so deliciously wicked, with a plan so brilliantly, deviously devised to subvert the powers of the bourgeoisie than this? Marx is obsolete! Yes! We do not need violent, bloody revolutions. We need more Barney Franks!

America, a new world is here! Capitalism is dead. The workers paradise, the classless society is starting. There is simply something ethereally orgasmic about watching the previous kingpins of our capitalist system lining up, quivering and cowering to see Reps. Barney Frank and Nancy Pelosi, as if they were two glorious dominatrixes all dressed in studded leather, fearful whips in hand, sitting imperiously upon their regal dais, looking down scornfully upon the once-great captains of American industry and finance, who now grovel with their pitiful, beaten, hang-dog looks, tremulously shaking their awful, pathetic, little, tin cups. Has there ever been something so delectibly ironic? I must wipe away my tears.

Just as heterosexuality is now seen as oppressive and passé, so is earth-killing capitalism. While gayness is today celebrated as a beautiful, earth-friendly, alternative lifestyle, so socialism is now seen as an alternative economic theory. Change! Americans, you voted for Change. Who would have thought that a guy named "Barney" with a pnchant for young male fannies would have been the agent. It only could be if he were the Anti-Christ himself.

Old, capitalist, bellicose, arrogant America - "Man up!" New, socialist, progressive, world-friendly America - "Fanny up!"

Foul Winds Invade Our Capitol - American Voters!

Sen. Reid Airs Concerns

Like a breath of fresh air, Senate majority leader Sen. Reid (D-Nev.), yesterday, in his famously quiet but deadly spot-on way, expressed what many legislators on Capitol Hill secretly think and comment amongst themsleves- that Americans truly are disgusting, smelly, vile, gas-passing creatures who they wish would just go away so they can pass laws in peace and quiet in their air-conditioned back rooms and Congressional chambers. In his remarks before a stuporous, benighted, nervously giggling audience, Sen. Reid complained about voters visiting the Capitol building because "in the summer because of the heat and high humidity, you could literally smell the tourists coming into the Capitol. It may be descriptive but it’s true.”

The Senator from the land of legalized prostitution and gambling, always with a sensitive nose for things that harm Americans' public image and quality of life, has been previously noted for letting fly torpedoes of controversy by saying we lost the war in Iraq while our soldiers were engaged in battle, that the surge was a failure, our battlefield commander a liar, and the President "a loser," that the coal and fossil fuel industries are killing Americans, and we need higher prices on energy to force Americans into more austere lifestyles and into alternative resources.

When asked for a clarification of his comments, Sen. Reid's pungeant poignancy was sharply evident, "American voters have consistently given my Congress and leadership single digit approval ratings. The unwashed masses and their flyover, middle class values and ignorant dependency on an old America that doesn't exist constistently interferes with our ability to remake and reshape America into the country it needs to become."

While some, like right-wingnut comedian, Dennis Miller, might arrogantly suggest that the horrific odors Reid perceives wafting into his plush Congressional lunch room is not from the summer crowds of sweaty, patriotic American tourists getting herded through the building, rather from the upper lip of his "ashen piehole," that "haltingly forces out that tremulous pale-grey oratory that sounds like it's oozing from a stuck caulking gun," this is really just another example of the right's rhetoric of hatred, as well as disrespect for our duly elected leaders. Off-air, Miller later clarified, "The smell really comes from where his head is so firmly planted. Hey, that might be descriptive, but it's true."

We deeply thank the good people of Nevada (like the one to the right,) for their humilty in continuously electing a leader and representative that understands their abject unworthiness, and who honestly warns them of the stench of their clamoring for balanced budgets, integrity in office, and non-partisan fairness. The presence of Sen. Reid on Capitol Hill, assures that they will continue to have some one that will work tirelessly for them, spending unfathomable amounts of money on amazing and wonderful programs, but only as long as they keep a safe distance.

And he won't even sweat while doing it.

Let's Talk Some Serious Turkey

Stop The Terrorism!!!

I realize that many of your heartless stomachs and intestines are at this very moment criminally involved with using gastric juices in an attempt to erase the incriminating evidence by dissolving masticated chunks of this magnificent avian for bodily use. Others are just trying to assimilate the recent events going on in India. I know this will be hard to digest, but for progressive people, there is an even more severe terrorism than that in India that is going on right under our noses - Thanksgiving. It must stop! There are so many things about this bird-brained holiday that really sticks in my gizzard and just makes me want to hurl whirrled peas!

First, this is genocide. The heartless incarceration, mistreatment, wholesale trafficking and cruel slaughter of these innocent birds is a crime against humanity. WTF? - you say? Carl Sagan and many scientists have documented the interelatedness of all animals including humans. The shocking evidence in the photos above incontrovertibly prove the point. Sagan documents how human behavior is really just the result of past animal behavior codified and programmed into the genes. We can all certainly see that and so it needs no further explanation. In many ways the slaughter on Thanksgiving can be likened to the greatest exhibition of mass cannibalism in human history. The terrorism must stop now!

Second, this is an insult and a foreign diplomacy gaff of gargantuan proportions. Just when we need to make friends with Muslim nations and desist in insulting them and hence provoking them into a maelstrom of nuclear nightmare that the human race might not survive, we need to respect them, as well as Islam, and not call their countries insulting names. It is terrorism against Muslims! We must immediately move Congress to change the name of the bird to something more politically correct, like "George W. Bush."

Thirdly, the entire shameful Thansgiving affair is a severe breach between the Great Impenetrable Wall between church and state, and a gross affront to the Constitution. It is criminally offensive to have this atrocious violation of church and state, when to think that it has taken enough secular lawyers and legislators to populate a snmall European country, as well as many years to carefully plan, construct and maintain this wall, not to speak of the gazillions spent in litigation to defend our right to not have even the slightest suggestion of deity ever appear before our highly educated, and refined secularist sensibilities in the public square. The public square belongs to all, but especially to us atheists. Get use to it. It's the Constitution, baby.

This holiday along with many others, simply needs to be brought into compliance with the Constitution, which although is severely flawed, nevertheless in this case it needs to be upheld, by abolishing all these Christianist holidays. See how infiltrated we are with theocratic violations of our rights? Even the word "holiday" needs to be abolished, for it implies something divine, which insults and offends every atheist and tramples upon their rights every time the word is used. After that we can rename all the days of the week which also deeply offends every atheist and mercilessly crushes their rights to never hear any word even remotely associated with divinity while they live in America. For we people of unfaith, people who believe in ghosts and omnipotent, omnipresent spirits are frightening, scary, and horrifying. It is intolerant and hateful to force us to even think bout it. It is terrorism and must stop now.

Besides, what's to be thankful about? We are the most racist, imperialist, violent, dangerous terrorist nation ever to have existed in human history. The U.S is no longer what it could be and I don't want my children growing up in that. Of course, I am an unapologetic and proud egosexual to whom just the thought of procreating another foul human being to inhabit this suffering planet with their accompanying imperialisic hegemony against the other weaker species and animal denizens, just makes me want to choke a turkey. But even if I were thankful for something, who would I thank? I am an atheist! It would be embarrassing, humiliating, confusing. The whole thing just causes terrible, unimaginable anguish and stress for we atheists. It is emotional terrorism!

So yesterday, as I sat in my house all alone eating faux turkey sandwiches, I thought warmly about Ben Franklin, who, instead of the warlike, harsh, scary bald eagle, originally wanted to designate the turkey as the national bird. Since Change has now come finally to America, I think this change would be a symbolic gesture of honor to the new Change, the new leadership, the new image we have as Americans.

On Turkey Day, we think of and honor all the innocent avians who were cruelly imprisoned and heartlessly butchered for the delight of imperialist Americans, thoughtless Christianists, and carbon-wasting carnivores. We weep with all those turkeys wo suffered. We stand in solidarity with them. On this day, we all are turkeys!

Al-Qaida No. 2 Softens Image, Tries SNL Approach

Zawahri Reportedly Negotiating For News Anchor Job on MSNBC or as Possible Stand-In for Stephen Colbert

Ayam al-Zawahri, Al-Qaeda's No. 2 man, this week sent a message that left many wondering whether a change is happening inside Al Qaeda. In the message, al-Zawahri said, "America has put on a new face, but its heart full of hate, mind drowning in greed and spirit which spreads evil, murder, repression and despotism continue to be the same as always." He then used a slur, calling Pres.-elect Obama, as well as Colin Powell and Condi Rice, "house negroes," a term used by Obama hero, Malcolm X, whose footage was interspersed throughout the unique, cryptic ramblings, meant to refer to a black who was complacently serving his white masters.

The Lumps staff, with our expert panel on Islamic religion and Arabic, has determined that the entire monologue is, in effect, a crude, yet subtle attempt at self-parody, and is more like an imitation of a David Letterman routine than your typical Islamic jihadi mullah rant extolling the glories of genocide. It seems Al Qaeda leadership have shifted their publicity campaign to brilliantly following the old Confucian axiom - "You can catch flies with honey, not with vinegar." Speculation is that Al Qaeda, sensing a paradigm shift in the American political landscape, has accordingly shifted its approach at winning the hearts and minds of Americans. Moving away from using such previous tactics as terrorism, beheadings, insults and mass murder, to convince Americans and westerners to submit to Allah, they are now using self-deprecating humor. Furthermore, we have received direct information that ex- SoCal native, couch potato, and metal rocker turned Al Qaeda terrorist, Adam Gadahn, is advising bin Laden and Ayam on American culture and the use of snarky humor to influence and promote the Al Qaeda agenda to the American public. The change signals a more pragmatic approach to jihad, mercifully hoping that 300 million Americans will be convinced to willingly submit to Allah, instead of having to be evaporated in a nuclear holocaust, which would be a tragic financial loss considering the zizziya tax required by the Quran on subjugated kaffirs.

Evidence shows that Osama bin Laden's trend towards a more humanized, even Americanized approach to jihad has perhaps been developing for more time than most western experts had previously suspected. Recently, Kola Boof, 37, the Sudanese poet and novelist who claims to have once been bin Laden's sex slave, writes in her autobiography, Diary of a Lost Girl, which is excerpted in the September Harper's: "He told me Whitney Houston was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen." Boof - who wrote for the soap opera "The Days of Our Lives" until she was axed last month - continues, "He said that he had a paramount desire for [Houston] and although he claimed music was evil, he spoke of someday spending vast amounts of money to go to America and try to arrange a meeting." So in other words, it seems in contrast to Zawahri's attempt at winning the American public through satire and wit, bin Laden's strategy is even more well-known to the US public - bedding a famous celebrity and then getting a fawning interview on the View or The National Enquirer, and perhaps a good seat at the Oscars or Grammies.

While we on the Left have always vehemently asserted that the supposed danger of Al Qaeda has been wildly exagerrated by the Rovian neo-con conspiratorialists in Washington DC, and that some of Al Qaeda's arguments are actually quite well-reasoned and worth considering, this welcome news of a newer humane and comedic jihadi approach is confirmation of our previous perceptions - that these jihadists are not the dangerous, insane, fanatically violent threats to humanity as the neocon Bushies have made them out to be. They are much like we are.

As for us at Lumps from the Left, we say, "Yo, you rock Ayam!" Give us more!

Obama: "Let's Spread the Brains Around a Little Bit Too"

Doh! Dumbness Is Not So Dumb After All!

The Right-wing blogosphere is currently working itself up into a frothing freak-out of foam-flecked fanaticism over the videos of Obama supporters who cannot say who runs Congress, or why the economy is so bad, or what the Constitution is, but know everything about the MySpace pictures of Gov. Palin's daughter. They further have thrown dirt in the air over reports that Harvard seniors scored an average of 69% (D-) on a basic high school history-economics-civics exam, with everyone else scoring far below. Being the consituency that voted for Obama by 70%, in the convoluted right-wing mindset, they are saying that Obama voters are...ummmm... dumb. They claim that a subservient, manipulated and manipulative Mainstream Media pushed for Obama's election, and criminally refused to report the truth. These troglodytes furthermore make the ridiculous claim that, considering the astounding ignorance of so many voters, especially young ones, that the 2008 election was nothing more than the brainwashing of an ignorant, half-witted, slavish populace by a cynical, agenda-driven Media and their slick, inspid media campaign. Well, they are crazy idiots! Nothing could be farther or closer to the truth at the same time! Huh? Let me explain it to you one-brain-celled creatures who have difficulty assimilating complex, subtle and multi-level concepts.

"Democracy is equality," said one founder of the modern progressive state. Progressive people think about the whole planet not just nationalistically. In the past, America has had one of the highest literacy and education levels in the world. This has given us an unfair advantage in the world, fomenting our dominance, oppresion and hegemony over Third world peoples that made "chickens come home to roost." As Pres.-elect Obama desires to bring social justice and equality through wealth redistribution - the taking away of wealth from those that have more and giving it to those that don't - equally so, the progressive education agenda is as equally desirous of another redistribution plan for social justice - brains redistribution. Equality!

The Change towards world peace and harmonic synergy we are implementing, and have been for a long time, is primarily designed to come about through equalization through education. Do you really think Bill Ayers' deer-in-the-headlight-benighted-rumpled-professor-look is real? You are the deer, you precious little dumb dear. Educators like Ayers and myself get gajillions of US tax money and grants in order to reeducate your children, at once dumbing them down and creating complacent planetery citizens. Do you think it was for nothing that good old Joe (not that Joe!) said, "“Education is a weapon whose effects depend on who holds it in his hands and at whom it is aimed"? We have subtley introduced post-modernism, Hegelian dialectic gradualism into the schools which, while it has been shown to stop all rational thinking, is a wonderful equalizer in the sense it allows us to reprogram the minds of the young. Old divisive, anti-Change thinking based on stuff like history, economics, civics, logic has been replaced with a sense of planetary consciousness, feelings of belonging, and rejection of old Christian values. Change!

Ok. I realize I just flew over the heads of most of you muddle-headed middle-American simpletons. Facts don't matter anymore! Get it? Education today transcends just learning stuff. It means creating a compliant planetary citizenry who are all equal to the rest even if the rest are fairly uneducated. "Educated" doesn't mean educated in the way it used to mean. Actually, not being so educated is really smarter! Dumbing down America is bringing about world peace and equality. Dumb = smart. Got it?

Do you think that's stupid, Mr. Rightwinger-sore-loser? Well look where you are, compared to where we are. Gosh, you are dumb! Like, Doh!

The Traitor Not Expelled or Executed

Amazing Grace Shown From the Merciful One; Lieberman Given Chance To Repent, Reform and Be Humble

Against the uproar of many Party militants, Pres.-elect Obama continues to show the great magnaminity of a historic, glorious great world-class statesman by pardoning the foul unrepentant terrorist, Joe Liebermann, of acts against the Party, the State, and against humanity in general, by his support of the subversive and dangerous McCain-Palin ticket. When asked about his vile, evil support of violent Anti-Progressive movements, Lieberman was defiant, "I don't regret setting off this political bomb by supporting my friend, Sen. McCain. I feel I didn't do enough."

Obama issued this statement to Party leaders: "I condemn Joe Lieberman's participation with violent, anti-Change elements and radical groups like the Republican Party. But his support for Israel started when I was only eight. Look, any attempt to connect me with that is ridiculous. Although Sen. Joe Lieberman has more recently trampled upon our most sacred symbol - the donkey - as well as showing support for the terrorist nations of the United States of America and Israel, we believe that he can be fully rehabilitated, and we will continue to work with and let him eat with us at our table in the Senate cafeteria. We are a Big Tent Party, even if Joe is in the latrine outside the tent."

Other Party advocates were not so positive about Obama's benign and tolerant attitude towards Sen. Lieberman. "Change is not a f-----n dinner party, not an essay, nor a painting, nor a piece of embroidery; it cannot be advanced softly, gradually, carefully, considerately, respectfully, politely, plainly and modestly," said Rev. Jesse Jackson. "If I were Obama, I would cut his sanctimonious, Zionist balls off."

McCain Weeps, Loves Obama

McCain Says He Sees Obama Now as his "Big Brother"

Aides and press were stunned as ex-candidate and foe Sen. John McCain inadvertently collapsed into Pres.-elect Barack Obama's arms in their historic meeting at Obama's Chicago transition headquarters today. The light chat designed to "bury the hatchet" and discuss issues such as climate change, the economy, and whether Penn State deserves to go to the Rose Bowl, took an unexpected turn when McCain grew strangely silent as an awkward silence came over the room.

Tears welling up in his eyes, McCain could barely choke out the words," You know, Barry, my friend, all...those awful things I said, you know....about being a socialist....about associating with terrorists, scumbags and race-mongering preachers....I am so sorry! I didn't mean it! Oh gawd!" McCain suddenly reached across the table and clutched Pres.-elect Obama and the two men just sat there holding each other, muffled sobs occasionally erupting from McCain, whose face was deeply buried into the moistened shoulder of the blue suit Obama had worn.

The Press were then asked to leave so as to allow some moments of privacy between the two men. After 30 minutes alone together, McCain left quickly , beaming in an unusual way that has been uncharacteristic of him in most of his public life. McCain associate and friend, Sen. Lindsey Graham of South Carolina, read a written statement given to him by the senator from Arizona before he left in a flood of emotion:

"My friends, in todays' meeting with the President-elect Obama, I was overcome with an overwhelming sense of the greatness of this man. As I gazed up at his compassionate face in that meeting, I saw that it had taken me the two years of this campaign to learn what kind of smile was hidden beneath the dark look. O cruel, needless misunderstanding! O stubborn, self-willed exile from the loving breast! I wept today in unabashed joy at simply being in his presence. But it is all right, everything is all right, the struggle is finished. I have won the victory over myself. I love Obama."

Spontaneous and exuberant applause then broke out amongst the reporters gathered at the Obama headquarters. Some were unapologetically weeping too.

Sen. Graham finished reading the statement by McCain: "My friends, I'll do whatever he says to do. I'll collect paper cups off the ground to make his pathway clear."

We Demand Same-Sex Marriage! And Same-Person Marriage Too!

Egosexuals Arise! Take Your Rightful Place At The Teeming Smorgasborg of Diversity!

As representatives of tolerance for everyone, we heartily join with the shouts of outrage, the violent protests, the calls for church-burnings, and the plans for insurrection and resistance now taking place in California in justified reaction to the passing of the hate-filled Proposition 8. While some call for the burnings of all churches. I am a moderate here. I call only for the burnings of those that supported the measure.

To show how horrible all civility and all decency is deteriorating in California, today, a frightening fascist granny brutally attacked an entire group of several hundred peacefully protesting gays and lesbians, who then were forced to overwhelm her to protect themselves. What are we coming to? By "we" (those offended at Prop 8 and the horrid cross-wielding grannies) I mean not just the editorial board of "Lumps For The Left," but the World Association for Narcisstic Kindness, Empathy and Rights. (www.WANKER.com and www.ILOVEME.org)

Yes, I am a sexual minority too struggling for our rights - the rights of egosexuals. Yes, I am one, proudly and defiantly! Earlier in my own life, I tried to conform with society. I went with a few girls in High school, but they were too complicated, costly and troublesome for me. Then I went along with the gay-is-cool-craze of the 80's, but after 164 encounters, I decided it was too tiresome and risky. I was miserable. Then one day, while looking at myself in the rear view mirror while stuck in traffic, a Whitney Houston song came on the radio :

"I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all."

Tears streamed down my face as I realized I loved myself and that was all I needed! It was OK. I didn't have to believe all the hatred and religious bigotry stuff about selfishness being bad. I cast aside the shackles of hatred and bigotry and open declared myself a proud egosexual. And it was good.

Once disparaged by religious bigots as 'onanism," we egosexuals are finally coming out of the closet. Scientific studies show tha we consist of about 10% of the population, and are growing. Many famous people in history from Greek civilization to many of today's celebrities are egosexuals. Many creative people, like Madonna, Al Gore, George Clooney, and Sean Penn are open egosexuals. Studies also show that we were born that way. Psychologists have dropped their previous definition of egosexuality as an illness, as more studies show that it is healthy behavior. Egosexualism occurs naturally in nature, as you can observe in much animal behavior, like dogs.

We demand our rights along with gays and lesbians and every other love orienation. We will no longer tolerate the use of derogotory hate terminology like "wanker," tosser," or, like the evil Palin said about her detractors recently, "jerks." We want sympathetic characters on TV shows and in movies. We want equal opportunity and equal pay. We want to see an egosexual President some day. And we demand equal rights for marrying. As old archaic, religious-imposed definitions for marriage like man-woman, are being tossed onto the ash heap of history, we also demand that other outdated definitions be tossed out. Where does the Constitution say that marriage cannot be same-sex? Where does it say it cannot be same-person?

Onanists arise! We are here! We are weird! We are here to stay!

Pres.-Elect Obama Moves With Dogged Determination to Fix Things

Our Crack reporters Have a Leg Up on The Selection Process!

Pres.-elect Barack Obama wasted no time today in moving to heal the world as he moves into the transition period, by making speeches about the economy that is rapidly turning into the worst economic disaster in human history. Although he is showing amazingly wise restraint in choosing a Secretary of the Treasury that will bolster confidence in the imploding stock market, he did boldly and eloquently promise to "fix the economy" and "help working people" with words that left millions of people sighing with relief.

Meanwhile, his newly appointed Chief of Staff, famed pit bull, Rep. Rahm Emanuel, hired to help Obama fix things, is working on another vital decision and the first of his new appointment - what kind of dog should Obama get for his two daughters, as he promised in his victory speech. In a press conference with Rep. Rahm, he said, "Our first order of business is to get rid of that vicious, horrid, evil creature in the White House who has brought such pain on all of us - Barney the Scottish Terrier. He actually bit one of our reporters! Sore losers! Change has come and we will change the White House Dog first thing. This decision will not only bring much joy to the Obama household, but we want it to reflect the Change and Hope that the world is looking to us to bring. Certain breeds, to be honest, will not adequately reflect what we want to say to America and the world in this time of crisis.

"Right off the bat, we will not be having any of those awful Terrier breeds in the White House. We have had eight years of terror from this Terrier and we do not want more of the same.

On the other hand, the English Sheepdog is a magnificent species. Nevertheless, the oppression and mistreatment of sheep at the hands of some sheepdogs can be taken as our endorsement of this behavior. No.

"We have considered, the Boxer which is a good dog, but we believe it will send the wrong message as it speaks of bellicosity and aggresion. Can't do.

"Chihuahua. Not politically correct for our Mexican constituency, and the smallness and yappiness is not conducive to the image we want to project about Change.

"Retrievers or Hounds, perhaps? Unfortunately some people think in terms of 'guilt by association,' and these dogs are used too much for hunting, which is associated with bitter people. Sadly, no.

"Beagle or Collie?? Nah. Way too American kitsch, flyoverish, bourgeoisie and middle class. Ick. The Europeans would laugh at our lack of sophistication.

"German shepherd, Weimeraner or Doberman? No can do. Too much baggage.

"Poodle!? Voila! Beautiful! Divine! Fantastique! But,...no.. the droll Conservatives would complain how we're Euro-elitists.

"An Afghan?...hmmmm, interesting.... elegant and suave like Obama, but no, it might offend the Muslims.

"The Saint Bernard...Hmmm. The compassion for the needy looks good here, but, no way, too Christian. We are in the post-Christian era now. Might offend Muslims... and atheists. "

"The Great Dane...Very nice and regal, reflecting on Barack's poise and authority, but it might be misinterpreted as offensive to Muslims, as the Danes have wrongly supported Iraq and printed those cartoons offending Islam."

"Perhaps a Dachshund?...Great dog, but then the kids will call it a "hot dog." You know... Pork. Muslims. Offended. Nope.

Alaskan Huskie? Nooooo!!! Aaaaagh! Crap! Spit! *cough*! No friggin' way!! Alaska? What's that? Never heard of it!"

"All these traditional breeds are fine, but we want our administration to speak of fresh change, or a new direction for America, where we will all come together and work to see a better America. We are considering a dog that will help us convey the message of unity and Change. Therefore we are going with a mixed breed dog to be compassionately chosen from an animal shelter, to show how the Obama administration will benefit everyone."

After staff members returned from the dog shelter, a photo of the new dog that will represent the Hope and Change to the world that the Obama era will represent, was surreptitiously leaked to the press, and we obtained one of the first pictures of it.