Would You Let Hitler Pray At Your Inauguration Ceremony?

Don't Let the Goofy Hawaiian Shirt Fool You!

One of the most incredibly outrageous and worrisome acts by a sitting Pres.-elect has just been announced today by Obama. We refer to the horrific and unfathomably wrong invitation by Pres.-elect of Saddleback Church pastor Rick Warren to give the opening prayer at his inauguration ceremony.

Although we tolerant progressives understand that he was elected to end the old politics of divisiveness and to unify the country, not based upon imaginary shared values or ideology, but rather based upon his amazing persona, even an extreme right-winger like Chris Hitchens agrees with the mighty uproar righteous indignation of the Progressive community on this one - Pres.-elect Obama has gone way too far on the inclusiveness bit. Rick Warren epitomizes the very heart of hatred, intolerance and evil.

Dr. Julian Bond, chair of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, declared recently in a speech that gay marriage a civil rights issue, just like rights for blacks. “African Americans, were the only Americans who were enslaved for two centuries, but we were far from the only Americans suffering discrimination then and now,” Bond said. “Sexual disposition parallels race. I was born this way. I have no choice. I wouldn’t change it if I could. Sexuality is unchangeable.”

Since denying gays marriage is like racism, logically, what Warren does is far worse it defies the mind! Even the Grand Dragon of the KKK would not be so hateful as to deny blacks the right to marry each other, would they? No! Not even Hitler would have even thought of denying Jews the right to marry each other, would he? He wouldn't have dreamed of it! But what Rick Warren and other evangelicals or orthodox believers do is so much more bigotted, discriminatory and inhumane than even the KKK or the Nazis!

But what has the progressive forces of tolerance and understanding in violent uproar is that the harbinger and torch-bearer of hope and change dares to invite him to...pray at his inauguration! My shock and dismay stuns me into utter silence...well, almost. Do not let the Hawaiian shirts and deceivingly open friendly look of this man delude you. If some being named Satan actually existed, and we know he doesn't, then Warren would be the embodiment of this supposed Beezlebub. If evil really existed, and of course it doesn't, then Rick Warren and Christians like him would be the very embodiment of evil and everything that is wrong with the planet. There is a limit to the tolerance of we tolerant progressives, and that limit has to be when the intolerance towards tolerance reaches intolerable levels of intolerance, then we must stand up and not tolerate the vile hateful intolerance of those who cloak their intolerance in the vocabulary of tolerance.

Is Rep. Barney Frank…^gulp^… god?

Or is the Anti-Christ a Gay?

As a Progressive militant since my 60’s youth, I have prayed to the gods of revolutionary class struggle for the ultimate demise of capitalism. Although I am a religiously fervent atheist, one must truly bow down and worship at the feet of this man, Rep. Barney Frank (D-MA). He must either be a secret a six-degree level master of something, or a supreme avatar of a higher civilization sent to mercifully rescue us from slavery of capitalism, as well as from the evil Christo-fascists and right-wing Americanists. Whoever he is, whatever planet he hails from, there seems to be a devilish super-intelligent mind working in and through him. The Force, even the dark side, is surely with him. Here is why.

Rep. Frank (D-MA) has a long-term concern for the poor and disenfranchised, and commitment to provide housing, and job opportunities, especially if they are poor, hot, young, disenfranchised males with ads in the back of Gay publications. As the minority, and now the majority chairman of the House Ways and Means committee, Barney and friends are largely responsible for the establishment of the policies that introduced government-sponsored and protected loans, forcing evil, greedy capitalist banks to give loans to oppressed minorities and disenfranchised home buyers, subverting the cruel free market in a glorious, humane way. By “friends,” I especially refer to another hot, young, gay male, this time Herb Moses, who not only had a key position at Fannie Mae (no homophobic pun intended), as well as a key interest in assuring that risky, non-solvent loans continued to be forced upon loan institutions and protected by interventionist policies, but he shared various positions, many times, with the Rep. Frank...in his bed...for several years...during the heat of the build-up of the crisis. No conflict of interest was involved, both men assert. “This is just about hot, steamy gay sex, that's all,” Frank assured his concerned but very, very, very tolerant constituents, not to speak of few pathetic homophobic Republican watchdogs. Many have focused on the policies that Rep. Frank promoted and protected as the chief cause of the current financial meltdown that our glorious comrades at the Washington Post signaled as “the end of capitalism.”

But here is where the sheer fabulous genius of the modern Progressive political discourse, as well as our MSM agents, and a true maestro like Barney Frank really starts to shine. When Republicans sensed the danger to their little oppressive free market system and sought to reform it, Rep. Frank violently opposed them and repeatedly blocked the efforts to regulate Fannie Mae, opting to not only protect Fannie Mae, but his own fanny, not to speak of that other fanny he knew so well seated at a desk in the higher echelons of Fannie Mae. He had the amazing braggadacio to say in Sept. of 2003, "'These two entities -- Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac -- are not facing any kind of financial crisis. The more people exaggerate these problems, the more pressure there is on these companies, the less we will see in terms of affordable housing.'' Yet, amazingly, he did not stop there. With the temerity of audacity, Frank turns and, blames capitalism and racism! Yes! It's true! The one who put the knife into the heart of the capitalist beast, blames the punctured, hemorrhaging heart for the death of the patient, rather than the knife and its wielder! Has there ever been such a Hannibal Lecter, some one so deliciously wicked, with a plan so brilliantly, deviously devised to subvert the powers of the bourgeoisie than this? Marx is obsolete! Yes! We do not need violent, bloody revolutions. We need more Barney Franks!

America, a new world is here! Capitalism is dead. The workers paradise, the classless society is starting. There is simply something ethereally orgasmic about watching the previous kingpins of our capitalist system lining up, quivering and cowering to see Reps. Barney Frank and Nancy Pelosi, as if they were two glorious dominatrixes all dressed in studded leather, fearful whips in hand, sitting imperiously upon their regal dais, looking down scornfully upon the once-great captains of American industry and finance, who now grovel with their pitiful, beaten, hang-dog looks, tremulously shaking their awful, pathetic, little, tin cups. Has there ever been something so delectibly ironic? I must wipe away my tears.

Just as heterosexuality is now seen as oppressive and passé, so is earth-killing capitalism. While gayness is today celebrated as a beautiful, earth-friendly, alternative lifestyle, so socialism is now seen as an alternative economic theory. Change! Americans, you voted for Change. Who would have thought that a guy named "Barney" with a pnchant for young male fannies would have been the agent. It only could be if he were the Anti-Christ himself.

Old, capitalist, bellicose, arrogant America - "Man up!" New, socialist, progressive, world-friendly America - "Fanny up!"

Foul Winds Invade Our Capitol - American Voters!

Sen. Reid Airs Concerns

Like a breath of fresh air, Senate majority leader Sen. Reid (D-Nev.), yesterday, in his famously quiet but deadly spot-on way, expressed what many legislators on Capitol Hill secretly think and comment amongst themsleves- that Americans truly are disgusting, smelly, vile, gas-passing creatures who they wish would just go away so they can pass laws in peace and quiet in their air-conditioned back rooms and Congressional chambers. In his remarks before a stuporous, benighted, nervously giggling audience, Sen. Reid complained about voters visiting the Capitol building because "in the summer because of the heat and high humidity, you could literally smell the tourists coming into the Capitol. It may be descriptive but it’s true.”

The Senator from the land of legalized prostitution and gambling, always with a sensitive nose for things that harm Americans' public image and quality of life, has been previously noted for letting fly torpedoes of controversy by saying we lost the war in Iraq while our soldiers were engaged in battle, that the surge was a failure, our battlefield commander a liar, and the President "a loser," that the coal and fossil fuel industries are killing Americans, and we need higher prices on energy to force Americans into more austere lifestyles and into alternative resources.

When asked for a clarification of his comments, Sen. Reid's pungeant poignancy was sharply evident, "American voters have consistently given my Congress and leadership single digit approval ratings. The unwashed masses and their flyover, middle class values and ignorant dependency on an old America that doesn't exist constistently interferes with our ability to remake and reshape America into the country it needs to become."

While some, like right-wingnut comedian, Dennis Miller, might arrogantly suggest that the horrific odors Reid perceives wafting into his plush Congressional lunch room is not from the summer crowds of sweaty, patriotic American tourists getting herded through the building, rather from the upper lip of his "ashen piehole," that "haltingly forces out that tremulous pale-grey oratory that sounds like it's oozing from a stuck caulking gun," this is really just another example of the right's rhetoric of hatred, as well as disrespect for our duly elected leaders. Off-air, Miller later clarified, "The smell really comes from where his head is so firmly planted. Hey, that might be descriptive, but it's true."

We deeply thank the good people of Nevada (like the one to the right,) for their humilty in continuously electing a leader and representative that understands their abject unworthiness, and who honestly warns them of the stench of their clamoring for balanced budgets, integrity in office, and non-partisan fairness. The presence of Sen. Reid on Capitol Hill, assures that they will continue to have some one that will work tirelessly for them, spending unfathomable amounts of money on amazing and wonderful programs, but only as long as they keep a safe distance.

And he won't even sweat while doing it.

Let's Talk Some Serious Turkey

Stop The Terrorism!!!

I realize that many of your heartless stomachs and intestines are at this very moment criminally involved with using gastric juices in an attempt to erase the incriminating evidence by dissolving masticated chunks of this magnificent avian for bodily use. Others are just trying to assimilate the recent events going on in India. I know this will be hard to digest, but for progressive people, there is an even more severe terrorism than that in India that is going on right under our noses - Thanksgiving. It must stop! There are so many things about this bird-brained holiday that really sticks in my gizzard and just makes me want to hurl whirrled peas!

First, this is genocide. The heartless incarceration, mistreatment, wholesale trafficking and cruel slaughter of these innocent birds is a crime against humanity. WTF? - you say? Carl Sagan and many scientists have documented the interelatedness of all animals including humans. The shocking evidence in the photos above incontrovertibly prove the point. Sagan documents how human behavior is really just the result of past animal behavior codified and programmed into the genes. We can all certainly see that and so it needs no further explanation. In many ways the slaughter on Thanksgiving can be likened to the greatest exhibition of mass cannibalism in human history. The terrorism must stop now!

Second, this is an insult and a foreign diplomacy gaff of gargantuan proportions. Just when we need to make friends with Muslim nations and desist in insulting them and hence provoking them into a maelstrom of nuclear nightmare that the human race might not survive, we need to respect them, as well as Islam, and not call their countries insulting names. It is terrorism against Muslims! We must immediately move Congress to change the name of the bird to something more politically correct, like "George W. Bush."

Thirdly, the entire shameful Thansgiving affair is a severe breach between the Great Impenetrable Wall between church and state, and a gross affront to the Constitution. It is criminally offensive to have this atrocious violation of church and state, when to think that it has taken enough secular lawyers and legislators to populate a snmall European country, as well as many years to carefully plan, construct and maintain this wall, not to speak of the gazillions spent in litigation to defend our right to not have even the slightest suggestion of deity ever appear before our highly educated, and refined secularist sensibilities in the public square. The public square belongs to all, but especially to us atheists. Get use to it. It's the Constitution, baby.

This holiday along with many others, simply needs to be brought into compliance with the Constitution, which although is severely flawed, nevertheless in this case it needs to be upheld, by abolishing all these Christianist holidays. See how infiltrated we are with theocratic violations of our rights? Even the word "holiday" needs to be abolished, for it implies something divine, which insults and offends every atheist and tramples upon their rights every time the word is used. After that we can rename all the days of the week which also deeply offends every atheist and mercilessly crushes their rights to never hear any word even remotely associated with divinity while they live in America. For we people of unfaith, people who believe in ghosts and omnipotent, omnipresent spirits are frightening, scary, and horrifying. It is intolerant and hateful to force us to even think bout it. It is terrorism and must stop now.

Besides, what's to be thankful about? We are the most racist, imperialist, violent, dangerous terrorist nation ever to have existed in human history. The U.S is no longer what it could be and I don't want my children growing up in that. Of course, I am an unapologetic and proud egosexual to whom just the thought of procreating another foul human being to inhabit this suffering planet with their accompanying imperialisic hegemony against the other weaker species and animal denizens, just makes me want to choke a turkey. But even if I were thankful for something, who would I thank? I am an atheist! It would be embarrassing, humiliating, confusing. The whole thing just causes terrible, unimaginable anguish and stress for we atheists. It is emotional terrorism!

So yesterday, as I sat in my house all alone eating faux turkey sandwiches, I thought warmly about Ben Franklin, who, instead of the warlike, harsh, scary bald eagle, originally wanted to designate the turkey as the national bird. Since Change has now come finally to America, I think this change would be a symbolic gesture of honor to the new Change, the new leadership, the new image we have as Americans.

On Turkey Day, we think of and honor all the innocent avians who were cruelly imprisoned and heartlessly butchered for the delight of imperialist Americans, thoughtless Christianists, and carbon-wasting carnivores. We weep with all those turkeys wo suffered. We stand in solidarity with them. On this day, we all are turkeys!

Al-Qaida No. 2 Softens Image, Tries SNL Approach

Zawahri Reportedly Negotiating For News Anchor Job on MSNBC or as Possible Stand-In for Stephen Colbert

Ayam al-Zawahri, Al-Qaeda's No. 2 man, this week sent a message that left many wondering whether a change is happening inside Al Qaeda. In the message, al-Zawahri said, "America has put on a new face, but its heart full of hate, mind drowning in greed and spirit which spreads evil, murder, repression and despotism continue to be the same as always." He then used a slur, calling Pres.-elect Obama, as well as Colin Powell and Condi Rice, "house negroes," a term used by Obama hero, Malcolm X, whose footage was interspersed throughout the unique, cryptic ramblings, meant to refer to a black who was complacently serving his white masters.

The Lumps staff, with our expert panel on Islamic religion and Arabic, has determined that the entire monologue is, in effect, a crude, yet subtle attempt at self-parody, and is more like an imitation of a David Letterman routine than your typical Islamic jihadi mullah rant extolling the glories of genocide. It seems Al Qaeda leadership have shifted their publicity campaign to brilliantly following the old Confucian axiom - "You can catch flies with honey, not with vinegar." Speculation is that Al Qaeda, sensing a paradigm shift in the American political landscape, has accordingly shifted its approach at winning the hearts and minds of Americans. Moving away from using such previous tactics as terrorism, beheadings, insults and mass murder, to convince Americans and westerners to submit to Allah, they are now using self-deprecating humor. Furthermore, we have received direct information that ex- SoCal native, couch potato, and metal rocker turned Al Qaeda terrorist, Adam Gadahn, is advising bin Laden and Ayam on American culture and the use of snarky humor to influence and promote the Al Qaeda agenda to the American public. The change signals a more pragmatic approach to jihad, mercifully hoping that 300 million Americans will be convinced to willingly submit to Allah, instead of having to be evaporated in a nuclear holocaust, which would be a tragic financial loss considering the zizziya tax required by the Quran on subjugated kaffirs.

Evidence shows that Osama bin Laden's trend towards a more humanized, even Americanized approach to jihad has perhaps been developing for more time than most western experts had previously suspected. Recently, Kola Boof, 37, the Sudanese poet and novelist who claims to have once been bin Laden's sex slave, writes in her autobiography, Diary of a Lost Girl, which is excerpted in the September Harper's: "He told me Whitney Houston was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen." Boof - who wrote for the soap opera "The Days of Our Lives" until she was axed last month - continues, "He said that he had a paramount desire for [Houston] and although he claimed music was evil, he spoke of someday spending vast amounts of money to go to America and try to arrange a meeting." So in other words, it seems in contrast to Zawahri's attempt at winning the American public through satire and wit, bin Laden's strategy is even more well-known to the US public - bedding a famous celebrity and then getting a fawning interview on the View or The National Enquirer, and perhaps a good seat at the Oscars or Grammies.

While we on the Left have always vehemently asserted that the supposed danger of Al Qaeda has been wildly exagerrated by the Rovian neo-con conspiratorialists in Washington DC, and that some of Al Qaeda's arguments are actually quite well-reasoned and worth considering, this welcome news of a newer humane and comedic jihadi approach is confirmation of our previous perceptions - that these jihadists are not the dangerous, insane, fanatically violent threats to humanity as the neocon Bushies have made them out to be. They are much like we are.

As for us at Lumps from the Left, we say, "Yo, you rock Ayam!" Give us more!

Obama: "Let's Spread the Brains Around a Little Bit Too"

Doh! Dumbness Is Not So Dumb After All!

The Right-wing blogosphere is currently working itself up into a frothing freak-out of foam-flecked fanaticism over the videos of Obama supporters who cannot say who runs Congress, or why the economy is so bad, or what the Constitution is, but know everything about the MySpace pictures of Gov. Palin's daughter. They further have thrown dirt in the air over reports that Harvard seniors scored an average of 69% (D-) on a basic high school history-economics-civics exam, with everyone else scoring far below. Being the consituency that voted for Obama by 70%, in the convoluted right-wing mindset, they are saying that Obama voters are...ummmm... dumb. They claim that a subservient, manipulated and manipulative Mainstream Media pushed for Obama's election, and criminally refused to report the truth. These troglodytes furthermore make the ridiculous claim that, considering the astounding ignorance of so many voters, especially young ones, that the 2008 election was nothing more than the brainwashing of an ignorant, half-witted, slavish populace by a cynical, agenda-driven Media and their slick, inspid media campaign. Well, they are crazy idiots! Nothing could be farther or closer to the truth at the same time! Huh? Let me explain it to you one-brain-celled creatures who have difficulty assimilating complex, subtle and multi-level concepts.

"Democracy is equality," said one founder of the modern progressive state. Progressive people think about the whole planet not just nationalistically. In the past, America has had one of the highest literacy and education levels in the world. This has given us an unfair advantage in the world, fomenting our dominance, oppresion and hegemony over Third world peoples that made "chickens come home to roost." As Pres.-elect Obama desires to bring social justice and equality through wealth redistribution - the taking away of wealth from those that have more and giving it to those that don't - equally so, the progressive education agenda is as equally desirous of another redistribution plan for social justice - brains redistribution. Equality!

The Change towards world peace and harmonic synergy we are implementing, and have been for a long time, is primarily designed to come about through equalization through education. Do you really think Bill Ayers' deer-in-the-headlight-benighted-rumpled-professor-look is real? You are the deer, you precious little dumb dear. Educators like Ayers and myself get gajillions of US tax money and grants in order to reeducate your children, at once dumbing them down and creating complacent planetery citizens. Do you think it was for nothing that good old Joe (not that Joe!) said, "“Education is a weapon whose effects depend on who holds it in his hands and at whom it is aimed"? We have subtley introduced post-modernism, Hegelian dialectic gradualism into the schools which, while it has been shown to stop all rational thinking, is a wonderful equalizer in the sense it allows us to reprogram the minds of the young. Old divisive, anti-Change thinking based on stuff like history, economics, civics, logic has been replaced with a sense of planetary consciousness, feelings of belonging, and rejection of old Christian values. Change!

Ok. I realize I just flew over the heads of most of you muddle-headed middle-American simpletons. Facts don't matter anymore! Get it? Education today transcends just learning stuff. It means creating a compliant planetary citizenry who are all equal to the rest even if the rest are fairly uneducated. "Educated" doesn't mean educated in the way it used to mean. Actually, not being so educated is really smarter! Dumbing down America is bringing about world peace and equality. Dumb = smart. Got it?

Do you think that's stupid, Mr. Rightwinger-sore-loser? Well look where you are, compared to where we are. Gosh, you are dumb! Like, Doh!

The Traitor Not Expelled or Executed

Amazing Grace Shown From the Merciful One; Lieberman Given Chance To Repent, Reform and Be Humble

Against the uproar of many Party militants, Pres.-elect Obama continues to show the great magnaminity of a historic, glorious great world-class statesman by pardoning the foul unrepentant terrorist, Joe Liebermann, of acts against the Party, the State, and against humanity in general, by his support of the subversive and dangerous McCain-Palin ticket. When asked about his vile, evil support of violent Anti-Progressive movements, Lieberman was defiant, "I don't regret setting off this political bomb by supporting my friend, Sen. McCain. I feel I didn't do enough."

Obama issued this statement to Party leaders: "I condemn Joe Lieberman's participation with violent, anti-Change elements and radical groups like the Republican Party. But his support for Israel started when I was only eight. Look, any attempt to connect me with that is ridiculous. Although Sen. Joe Lieberman has more recently trampled upon our most sacred symbol - the donkey - as well as showing support for the terrorist nations of the United States of America and Israel, we believe that he can be fully rehabilitated, and we will continue to work with and let him eat with us at our table in the Senate cafeteria. We are a Big Tent Party, even if Joe is in the latrine outside the tent."

Other Party advocates were not so positive about Obama's benign and tolerant attitude towards Sen. Lieberman. "Change is not a f-----n dinner party, not an essay, nor a painting, nor a piece of embroidery; it cannot be advanced softly, gradually, carefully, considerately, respectfully, politely, plainly and modestly," said Rev. Jesse Jackson. "If I were Obama, I would cut his sanctimonious, Zionist balls off."