Sunday, December 21, 2008
Here's a Lump of Lump in Your Little Religulous Reich Red Stocking
As if the extreme stress, the inhuman humiliation, and the violent hatred rationalist freethinkers (AKA atheists) suffer at this time of the year by cruel insensitive people blurting out, "Merry Christmas," or "Happy Holiday," or family members expecting presents wasn't enough. Last week, a small group of oppressed atheists in Washington state decided to lash back at their oppresors by excercisng their Constitutional right to joyfully express their belief in non-belief, and put up a sign at the Washington State Capitol Building last week expressing their faith in unfaith. But then, somebody with no Christmas spirit stole it and violently threw into a ditch! The atheists were emotionally crushed at seeing their Christmas sign so treated with disrespect, that now a new, more militant group has formed.
"This vicious act of intolerance by hateful fundie believers against believers of unbelief is the drop that finally broke the camel's back," begins the initial comunique of a new group of non-believing militants, Atheist Resistance to State Enforcement of Hate And Theology who has declared war, not just on Christmas, but on all religious imposition by the state and violations of the First Amendment. The spokesman for the militant group, Stanley Hircismus, 24, stated its objectives. "We are organizing at this moment to enforce the Constitution's 1st Amendment guarantee against the state establishing religions, by demanding that we get rid of every single reference to any sort non-material entities by any and all state entities."
"The obvious ones are the holidays - Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, MLK Day - they all must go. No longer must U.S. secular citizens have to put up with them, nor with bigotted, atheophobic jokes about not wanting to be an atheist because they have no holidays. Ha. Ha. Ha. Very funny. But guess what smart ass? Even the word "holiday" (Meaning "holy day,") must go." The group suggests that they will be called "vacation days," and we will hence take a holiday from all holidays.
The group is also vehemently protesting the calendar, starting with the days of the week. Hircismus clarified, "Some of our atheist brethren may object by claiming the days are named after a favorite topic of rational, scientific people - the physical bodies in space- yea, we love planets and stuff, especially the moons, but further scientific research reveals that the planets were really named after Roman, German, and Nordic gods! While we reserve very special disdain for Christianity," Hircismus continued while making a disdainful face, "even pagan deities should not be exempted. A good scientific atheistic way to name the days would be to simply number them. For example, 'Monday' then becomes, 'One.' Simple. Logical. Nobody gets offended."
Hircimus them mentioned another touchy area for secular humanists, freethinkers and rational people - the years. "Why do we have to have a year system based upon a man who was a myth because he supposedly did things that were mythological?" When I mentioned that courageous secular believers have managed to replace the AD-BC system with the more atheist-friendly 'CE' (common era,) Hircismus got visibly irritated. "But the whole damn...ooops, pardon my inadvertent reference to deity...thing stinks! No matter what you call it, it is still based and a mythological person that never existed and never could anyway! We demand the total ovehauling of the Gregorian calendar and that we start counting years with a non-religious figure perhaps." When asked who the group thought would best be fitted for marking a new calendar, Hircimus said, "Barack Obama, of course. He has brought science, hope and light to the world and will save us from our sins...I mean political and economic errors. We can start the new calendar, the new era with his inauguration on Jan.20 - which will become day 1 of month 1 of year 1. The previous time will just be called the Dark Ages and left at that."
Next, says the group, the days of the month are highly offensive and horrifically destructive of their Constitutional rights as believers in unbelief. "The first eight refer directly to old Roman deities, the last for are Latin names for "tenth" and so on. We say name them all according to their numbers. This is creative as well as easy to grasp. It takes atheistic minds set free from the shackles of belief to come up with such innovative thinking," Hircismus stated.
The group claims that many U.S. geographical locations oppress, insult, humiliate and deeply offend atheists such as - San Francisco. Hicismus became animated in our interview. "Can you imagine? The very seat of atheism in the U.S. and they dare name it after a saint?" Others places the group demands must immdiately be changed - Los Angeles, San Diego, Sacramento, Corpus Christi, St. Louis, San Antonio, Maryland, Virginia, St. Paul, ETC., ETC. Other suspicious ones like Phoenix, Atlanta, and Seattle should go too- better to be safe than sorry. Their spokesman added, "However, we have listed some new, approved, and exciting names that will not make atheists victims of state religion. They are Constitutionally-comliant, and honor some great non-religious people - Darwinburgh, Marxville, Leninton, Nietzscheland, Sartre City - there are many wonderful, non-offensive options!"
"The intolerance and fascist revoking of our Constitutional rights to not have religion shoved down our gullets cannot just stop there," the group's resistance comunique states, "As the Atheist Civil Liberties Union is litigating for this year, we demand an end to the Pledge of Allegiance for it's illegal refernce to deity. All swearing on Bibles - out! Out damned spot! "In God we Trust" - Oh no we don't! It must be immediately removed from all money. That religious crap on the Supreme Court building, and all national monuments must be immediately sandblasted into oblivion. Any institution receiving federal of state funds cannot ever, ever eve mention the vile word,"god" on its premises. And since we know Jefferson was really an atheist, we also know that the reference to deity in the Declaration of Independence was a later interpolation by devious Xians. It must be obliterated. The very document announcing our freedom deprives us of our freedom to be free of religion!Imagine!"
So, while you will not be getting any sappy "Merry Christmas," or "Season's Greetings," or absurdly laughable "Happy Holidays," out of either this group, or Bill Mahers, Chris Hitchens, Richard Dawkins, myself, as well as any other highly intelligent specimen of human existence, we will however, be willing to extend to you, our faithful readership, a heartfelt and totally secular...
,"Merry Fourth Quarter Events, and a Happy Fiscal New Year!!!!""
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Don't Let the Goofy Hawaiian Shirt Fool You!
One of the most incredibly outrageous and worrisome acts by a sitting Pres.-elect has just been announced today by Obama. We refer to the horrific and unfathomably wrong invitation by Pres.-elect of Saddleback Church pastor Rick Warren to give the opening prayer at his inauguration ceremony.
Although we tolerant progressives understand that he was elected to end the old politics of divisiveness and to unify the country, not based upon imaginary shared values or ideology, but rather based upon his amazing persona, even an extreme right-winger like Chris Hitchens agrees with the mighty uproar righteous indignation of the Progressive community on this one - Pres.-elect Obama has gone way too far on the inclusiveness bit. Rick Warren epitomizes the very heart of hatred, intolerance and evil.
Dr. Julian Bond, chair of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, declared recently in a speech that gay marriage a civil rights issue, just like rights for blacks. “African Americans, were the only Americans who were enslaved for two centuries, but we were far from the only Americans suffering discrimination then and now,” Bond said. “Sexual disposition parallels race. I was born this way. I have no choice. I wouldn’t change it if I could. Sexuality is unchangeable.”
Since denying gays marriage is like racism, logically, what Warren does is far worse it defies the mind! Even the Grand Dragon of the KKK would not be so hateful as to deny blacks the right to marry each other, would they? No! Not even Hitler would have even thought of denying Jews the right to marry each other, would he? He wouldn't have dreamed of it! But what Rick Warren and other evangelicals or orthodox believers do is so much more bigotted, discriminatory and inhumane than even the KKK or the Nazis!
But what has the progressive forces of tolerance and understanding in violent uproar is that the harbinger and torch-bearer of hope and change dares to invite him to...pray at his inauguration! My shock and dismay stuns me into utter silence...well, almost. Do not let the Hawaiian shirts and deceivingly open friendly look of this man delude you. If some being named Satan actually existed, and we know he doesn't, then Warren would be the embodiment of this supposed Beezlebub. If evil really existed, and of course it doesn't, then Rick Warren and Christians like him would be the very embodiment of evil and everything that is wrong with the planet. There is a limit to the tolerance of we tolerant progressives, and that limit has to be when the intolerance towards tolerance reaches intolerable levels of intolerance, then we must stand up and not tolerate the vile hateful intolerance of those who cloak their intolerance in the vocabulary of tolerance.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Or is the Anti-Christ a Gay?
As a Progressive militant since my 60’s youth, I have prayed to the gods of revolutionary class struggle for the ultimate demise of capitalism. Although I am a religiously fervent atheist, one must truly bow down and worship at the feet of this man, Rep. Barney Frank (D-MA). He must either be a secret a six-degree level master of something, or a supreme avatar of a higher civilization sent to mercifully rescue us from slavery of capitalism, as well as from the evil Christo-fascists and right-wing Americanists. Whoever he is, whatever planet he hails from, there seems to be a devilish super-intelligent mind working in and through him. The Force, even the dark side, is surely with him. Here is why.
Rep. Frank (D-MA) has a long-term concern for the poor and disenfranchised, and commitment to provide housing, and job opportunities, especially if they are poor, hot, young, disenfranchised males with ads in the back of Gay publications. As the minority, and now the majority chairman of the House Ways and Means committee, Barney and friends are largely responsible for the establishment of the policies that introduced government-sponsored and protected loans, forcing evil, greedy capitalist banks to give loans to oppressed minorities and disenfranchised home buyers, subverting the cruel free market in a glorious, humane way. By “friends,” I especially refer to another hot, young, gay male, this time Herb Moses, who not only had a key position at Fannie Mae (no homophobic pun intended), as well as a key interest in assuring that risky, non-solvent loans continued to be forced upon loan institutions and protected by interventionist policies, but he shared various positions, many times, with the Rep. Frank...in his bed...for several years...during the heat of the build-up of the crisis. No conflict of interest was involved, both men assert. “This is just about hot, steamy gay sex, that's all,” Frank assured his concerned but very, very, very tolerant constituents, not to speak of few pathetic homophobic Republican watchdogs. Many have focused on the policies that Rep. Frank promoted and protected as the chief cause of the current financial meltdown that our glorious comrades at the Washington Post signaled as “the end of capitalism.”
But here is where the sheer fabulous genius of the modern Progressive political discourse, as well as our MSM agents, and a true maestro like Barney Frank really starts to shine. When Republicans sensed the danger to their little oppressive free market system and sought to reform it, Rep. Frank violently opposed them and repeatedly blocked the efforts to regulate Fannie Mae, opting to not only protect Fannie Mae, but his own fanny, not to speak of that other fanny he knew so well seated at a desk in the higher echelons of Fannie Mae. He had the amazing braggadacio to say in Sept. of 2003, "'These two entities -- Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac -- are not facing any kind of financial crisis. The more people exaggerate these problems, the more pressure there is on these companies, the less we will see in terms of affordable housing.'' Yet, amazingly, he did not stop there. With the temerity of audacity, Frank turns and, blames capitalism and racism! Yes! It's true! The one who put the knife into the heart of the capitalist beast, blames the punctured, hemorrhaging heart for the death of the patient, rather than the knife and its wielder! Has there ever been such a Hannibal Lecter, some one so deliciously wicked, with a plan so brilliantly, deviously devised to subvert the powers of the bourgeoisie than this? Marx is obsolete! Yes! We do not need violent, bloody revolutions. We need more Barney Franks!
America, a new world is here! Capitalism is dead. The workers paradise, the classless society is starting. There is simply something ethereally orgasmic about watching the previous kingpins of our capitalist system lining up, quivering and cowering to see Reps. Barney Frank and Nancy Pelosi, as if they were two glorious dominatrixes all dressed in studded leather, fearful whips in hand, sitting imperiously upon their regal dais, looking down scornfully upon the once-great captains of American industry and finance, who now grovel with their pitiful, beaten, hang-dog looks, tremulously shaking their awful, pathetic, little, tin cups. Has there ever been something so delectibly ironic? I must wipe away my tears.
Just as heterosexuality is now seen as oppressive and passé, so is earth-killing capitalism. While gayness is today celebrated as a beautiful, earth-friendly, alternative lifestyle, so socialism is now seen as an alternative economic theory. Change! Americans, you voted for Change. Who would have thought that a guy named "Barney" with a pnchant for young male fannies would have been the agent. It only could be if he were the Anti-Christ himself.
Old, capitalist, bellicose, arrogant America - "Man up!" New, socialist, progressive, world-friendly America - "Fanny up!"
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Sen. Reid Airs Concerns
Like a breath of fresh air, Senate majority leader Sen. Reid (D-Nev.), yesterday, in his famously quiet but deadly spot-on way, expressed what many legislators on Capitol Hill secretly think and comment amongst themsleves- that Americans truly are disgusting, smelly, vile, gas-passing creatures who they wish would just go away so they can pass laws in peace and quiet in their air-conditioned back rooms and Congressional chambers. In his remarks before a stuporous, benighted, nervously giggling audience, Sen. Reid complained about voters visiting the Capitol building because "in the summer because of the heat and high humidity, you could literally smell the tourists coming into the Capitol. It may be descriptive but it’s true.”
The Senator from the land of legalized prostitution and gambling, always with a sensitive nose for things that harm Americans' public image and quality of life, has been previously noted for letting fly torpedoes of controversy by saying we lost the war in Iraq while our soldiers were engaged in battle, that the surge was a failure, our battlefield commander a liar, and the President "a loser," that the coal and fossil fuel industries are killing Americans, and we need higher prices on energy to force Americans into more austere lifestyles and into alternative resources.
When asked for a clarification of his comments, Sen. Reid's pungeant poignancy was sharply evident, "American voters have consistently given my Congress and leadership single digit approval ratings. The unwashed masses and their flyover, middle class values and ignorant dependency on an old America that doesn't exist constistently interferes with our ability to remake and reshape America into the country it needs to become."
While some, like right-wingnut comedian, Dennis Miller, might arrogantly suggest that the horrific odors Reid perceives wafting into his plush Congressional lunch room is not from the summer crowds of sweaty, patriotic American tourists getting herded through the building, rather from the upper lip of his "ashen piehole," that "haltingly forces out that tremulous pale-grey oratory that sounds like it's oozing from a stuck caulking gun," this is really just another example of the right's rhetoric of hatred, as well as disrespect for our duly elected leaders. Off-air, Miller later clarified, "The smell really comes from where his head is so firmly planted. Hey, that might be descriptive, but it's true."
We deeply thank the good people of Nevada (like the one to the right,) for their humilty in continuously electing a leader and representative that understands their abject unworthiness, and who honestly warns them of the stench of their clamoring for balanced budgets, integrity in office, and non-partisan fairness. The presence of Sen. Reid on Capitol Hill, assures that they will continue to have some one that will work tirelessly for them, spending unfathomable amounts of money on amazing and wonderful programs, but only as long as they keep a safe distance.
And he won't even sweat while doing it.