Atheists Cruelly Persecuted Across The Nation at Christmas

Here's a Lump of Lump in Your Little Religulous Reich Red Stocking

As if the extreme stress, the inhuman humiliation, and the violent hatred rationalist freethinkers (AKA atheists) suffer at this time of the year by cruel insensitive people blurting out, "Merry Christmas," or "Happy Holiday," or family members expecting presents wasn't enough. Last week, a small group of oppressed atheists in Washington state decided to lash back at their oppresors by excercisng their Constitutional right to joyfully express their belief in non-belief, and put up a sign at the Washington State Capitol Building last week expressing their faith in unfaith. But then, somebody with no Christmas spirit stole it and violently threw into a ditch! The atheists were emotionally crushed at seeing their Christmas sign so treated with disrespect, that now a new, more militant group has formed.

"This vicious act of intolerance by hateful fundie believers against believers of unbelief is the drop that finally broke the camel's back," begins the initial comunique of a new group of non-believing militants, Atheist Resistance to State Enforcement of Hate And Theology who has declared war, not just on Christmas, but on all religious imposition by the state and violations of the First Amendment. The spokesman for the militant group, Stanley Hircismus, 24, stated its objectives. "We are organizing at this moment to enforce the Constitution's 1st Amendment guarantee against the state establishing religions, by demanding that we get rid of every single reference to any sort non-material entities by any and all state entities."

"The obvious ones are the holidays - Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, MLK Day - they all must go. No longer must U.S. secular citizens have to put up with them, nor with bigotted, atheophobic jokes about not wanting to be an atheist because they have no holidays. Ha. Ha. Ha. Very funny. But guess what smart ass? Even the word "holiday" (Meaning "holy day,") must go." The group suggests that they will be called "vacation days," and we will hence take a holiday from all holidays.

The group is also vehemently protesting the calendar, starting with the days of the week. Hircismus clarified, "Some of our atheist brethren may object by claiming the days are named after a favorite topic of rational, scientific people - the physical bodies in space- yea, we love planets and stuff, especially the moons, but further scientific research reveals that the planets were really named after Roman, German, and Nordic gods! While we reserve very special disdain for Christianity," Hircismus continued while making a disdainful face, "even pagan deities should not be exempted. A good scientific atheistic way to name the days would be to simply number them. For example, 'Monday' then becomes, 'One.' Simple. Logical. Nobody gets offended."

Hircimus them mentioned another touchy area for secular humanists, freethinkers and rational people - the years. "Why do we have to have a year system based upon a man who was a myth because he supposedly did things that were mythological?" When I mentioned that courageous secular believers have managed to replace the AD-BC system with the more atheist-friendly 'CE' (common era,) Hircismus got visibly irritated. "But the whole damn...ooops, pardon my inadvertent reference to deity...thing stinks! No matter what you call it, it is still based and a mythological person that never existed and never could anyway! We demand the total ovehauling of the Gregorian calendar and that we start counting years with a non-religious figure perhaps." When asked who the group thought would best be fitted for marking a new calendar, Hircimus said, "Barack Obama, of course. He has brought science, hope and light to the world and will save us from our sins...I mean political and economic errors. We can start the new calendar, the new era with his inauguration on Jan.20 - which will become day 1 of month 1 of year 1. The previous time will just be called the Dark Ages and left at that."

Next, says the group, the days of the month are highly offensive and horrifically destructive of their Constitutional rights as believers in unbelief. "The first eight refer directly to old Roman deities, the last for are Latin names for "tenth" and so on. We say name them all according to their numbers. This is creative as well as easy to grasp. It takes atheistic minds set free from the shackles of belief to come up with such innovative thinking," Hircismus stated.

The group claims that many U.S. geographical locations oppress, insult, humiliate and deeply offend atheists such as - San Francisco. Hicismus became animated in our interview. "Can you imagine? The very seat of atheism in the U.S. and they dare name it after a saint?" Others places the group demands must immdiately be changed - Los Angeles, San Diego, Sacramento, Corpus Christi, St. Louis, San Antonio, Maryland, Virginia, St. Paul, ETC., ETC. Other suspicious ones like Phoenix, Atlanta, and Seattle should go too- better to be safe than sorry. Their spokesman added, "However, we have listed some new, approved, and exciting names that will not make atheists victims of state religion. They are Constitutionally-comliant, and honor some great non-religious people - Darwinburgh, Marxville, Leninton, Nietzscheland, Sartre City - there are many wonderful, non-offensive options!"

"The intolerance and fascist revoking of our Constitutional rights to not have religion shoved down our gullets cannot just stop there," the group's resistance comunique states, "As the Atheist Civil Liberties Union is litigating for this year, we demand an end to the Pledge of Allegiance for it's illegal refernce to deity. All swearing on Bibles - out! Out damned spot! "In God we Trust" - Oh no we don't! It must be immediately removed from all money. That religious crap on the Supreme Court building, and all national monuments must be immediately sandblasted into oblivion. Any institution receiving federal of state funds cannot ever, ever eve mention the vile word,"god" on its premises. And since we know Jefferson was really an atheist, we also know that the reference to deity in the Declaration of Independence was a later interpolation by devious Xians. It must be obliterated. The very document announcing our freedom deprives us of our freedom to be free of religion!Imagine!"

So, while you will not be getting any sappy "Merry Christmas," or "Season's Greetings," or absurdly laughable "Happy Holidays," out of either this group, or Bill Mahers, Chris Hitchens, Richard Dawkins, myself, as well as any other highly intelligent specimen of human existence, we will however, be willing to extend to you, our faithful readership, a heartfelt and totally secular...

,"Merry Fourth Quarter Events, and a Happy Fiscal New Year!!!!""