Thursday, December 4, 2008

Foul Winds Invade Our Capitol - American Voters!


Sen. Reid Airs Concerns

Like a breath of fresh air, Senate majority leader Sen. Reid (D-Nev.), yesterday, in his famously quiet but deadly spot-on way, expressed what many legislators on Capitol Hill secretly think and comment amongst themsleves- that Americans truly are disgusting, smelly, vile, gas-passing creatures who they wish would just go away so they can pass laws in peace and quiet in their air-conditioned back rooms and Congressional chambers. In his remarks before a stuporous, benighted, nervously giggling audience, Sen. Reid complained about voters visiting the Capitol building because "in the summer because of the heat and high humidity, you could literally smell the tourists coming into the Capitol. It may be descriptive but it’s true.”

The Senator from the land of legalized prostitution and gambling, always with a sensitive nose for things that harm Americans' public image and quality of life, has been previously noted for letting fly torpedoes of controversy by saying we lost the war in Iraq while our soldiers were engaged in battle, that the surge was a failure, our battlefield commander a liar, and the President "a loser," that the coal and fossil fuel industries are killing Americans, and we need higher prices on energy to force Americans into more austere lifestyles and into alternative resources.

When asked for a clarification of his comments, Sen. Reid's pungeant poignancy was sharply evident, "American voters have consistently given my Congress and leadership single digit approval ratings. The unwashed masses and their flyover, middle class values and ignorant dependency on an old America that doesn't exist constistently interferes with our ability to remake and reshape America into the country it needs to become."

While some, like right-wingnut comedian, Dennis Miller, might arrogantly suggest that the horrific odors Reid perceives wafting into his plush Congressional lunch room is not from the summer crowds of sweaty, patriotic American tourists getting herded through the building, rather from the upper lip of his "ashen piehole," that "haltingly forces out that tremulous pale-grey oratory that sounds like it's oozing from a stuck caulking gun," this is really just another example of the right's rhetoric of hatred, as well as disrespect for our duly elected leaders. Off-air, Miller later clarified, "The smell really comes from where his head is so firmly planted. Hey, that might be descriptive, but it's true."

We deeply thank the good people of Nevada (like the one to the right,) for their humilty in continuously electing a leader and representative that understands their abject unworthiness, and who honestly warns them of the stench of their clamoring for balanced budgets, integrity in office, and non-partisan fairness. The presence of Sen. Reid on Capitol Hill, assures that they will continue to have some one that will work tirelessly for them, spending unfathomable amounts of money on amazing and wonderful programs, but only as long as they keep a safe distance.

And he won't even sweat while doing it.

5 comments:

R.A.M. said...

What Reid in fact "smelled", was his own breath blowing back in his face!

Anonymous said...

I found this on a scrap of paper blowing in the wind in Detroit.

Once upon a time in the land called Washington there were two great tribes of the same faith who were in uneasy alliance, much like our own Shiite and Sunni brothers in far off Arabia. One tribe controlled the open spaces, calling themselves the Opies, the other dominated the interior spaces or Pods. They were the Ints. These two tribes united when fighting the infidel (may Allah cast them in Hell). Otherwise, they engaged in fratricidal war, both cold and hot. In the territory controlled by the Ints they squabbled over arcane questions of identity and rightful claim to authenticity lost in the mists of time. In the territory controlled by the Opies there was a line drawn on a map where skirmishes ebb and flow. This line will appear as if by magic on our infidel devices - go to: http://crimemap.dc.gov/presentation/query.asp. The line between the two gradually snaked in favor of Pods won by the Ints. But the Opies, being very mobile, were able to make irregular and unpremeditated raids into the nexus of Int territory. This struck terror in the hearts of Ints who were physically rather puny and cowardly compared to the robust and courageous Opies. In despair and cunning of which they were well endowed (Allah be praised) the Ints put forth a Great Leader (peace be upon him) who united the Opies and Ints and stopped the shedding of blood. Thus, came about the triumph of the Pod and People of the Pod suffered no more.

Anonymous said...

Sorry, I meant the post above to go with the piece on Barney Frank which I really like. You ought to try and get that in National Review or someplace.

Cheers.

Dr. Waddlesworth Lumplevin said...

National Review??? Me? I think they'd rather publish Karl Marx than my eruditions.

Now Mother Jones would be more within my range.

Anonymous said...

Believe me! You are perfect for National Review, Dr. Lumplevin. Mother Jones is so passe. With the new admin in place you will appear very stolid and boring indeeeed. Yin and Yang, Dr.