Friday, November 28, 2008

Let's Talk Some Serious Turkey

Stop The Terrorism!!!

I realize that many of your heartless stomachs and intestines are at this very moment criminally involved with using gastric juices in an attempt to erase the incriminating evidence by dissolving masticated chunks of this magnificent avian for bodily use. Others are just trying to assimilate the recent events going on in India. I know this will be hard to digest, but for progressive people, there is an even more severe terrorism than that in India that is going on right under our noses - Thanksgiving. It must stop! There are so many things about this bird-brained holiday that really sticks in my gizzard and just makes me want to hurl whirrled peas!

First, this is genocide. The heartless incarceration, mistreatment, wholesale trafficking and cruel slaughter of these innocent birds is a crime against humanity. WTF? - you say? Carl Sagan and many scientists have documented the interelatedness of all animals including humans. The shocking evidence in the photos above incontrovertibly prove the point. Sagan documents how human behavior is really just the result of past animal behavior codified and programmed into the genes. We can all certainly see that and so it needs no further explanation. In many ways the slaughter on Thanksgiving can be likened to the greatest exhibition of mass cannibalism in human history. The terrorism must stop now!

Second, this is an insult and a foreign diplomacy gaff of gargantuan proportions. Just when we need to make friends with Muslim nations and desist in insulting them and hence provoking them into a maelstrom of nuclear nightmare that the human race might not survive, we need to respect them, as well as Islam, and not call their countries insulting names. It is terrorism against Muslims! We must immediately move Congress to change the name of the bird to something more politically correct, like "George W. Bush."

Thirdly, the entire shameful Thansgiving affair is a severe breach between the Great Impenetrable Wall between church and state, and a gross affront to the Constitution. It is criminally offensive to have this atrocious violation of church and state, when to think that it has taken enough secular lawyers and legislators to populate a snmall European country, as well as many years to carefully plan, construct and maintain this wall, not to speak of the gazillions spent in litigation to defend our right to not have even the slightest suggestion of deity ever appear before our highly educated, and refined secularist sensibilities in the public square. The public square belongs to all, but especially to us atheists. Get use to it. It's the Constitution, baby.

This holiday along with many others, simply needs to be brought into compliance with the Constitution, which although is severely flawed, nevertheless in this case it needs to be upheld, by abolishing all these Christianist holidays. See how infiltrated we are with theocratic violations of our rights? Even the word "holiday" needs to be abolished, for it implies something divine, which insults and offends every atheist and tramples upon their rights every time the word is used. After that we can rename all the days of the week which also deeply offends every atheist and mercilessly crushes their rights to never hear any word even remotely associated with divinity while they live in America. For we people of unfaith, people who believe in ghosts and omnipotent, omnipresent spirits are frightening, scary, and horrifying. It is intolerant and hateful to force us to even think bout it. It is terrorism and must stop now.

Besides, what's to be thankful about? We are the most racist, imperialist, violent, dangerous terrorist nation ever to have existed in human history. The U.S is no longer what it could be and I don't want my children growing up in that. Of course, I am an unapologetic and proud egosexual to whom just the thought of procreating another foul human being to inhabit this suffering planet with their accompanying imperialisic hegemony against the other weaker species and animal denizens, just makes me want to choke a turkey. But even if I were thankful for something, who would I thank? I am an atheist! It would be embarrassing, humiliating, confusing. The whole thing just causes terrible, unimaginable anguish and stress for we atheists. It is emotional terrorism!

So yesterday, as I sat in my house all alone eating faux turkey sandwiches, I thought warmly about Ben Franklin, who, instead of the warlike, harsh, scary bald eagle, originally wanted to designate the turkey as the national bird. Since Change has now come finally to America, I think this change would be a symbolic gesture of honor to the new Change, the new leadership, the new image we have as Americans.

On Turkey Day, we think of and honor all the innocent avians who were cruelly imprisoned and heartlessly butchered for the delight of imperialist Americans, thoughtless Christianists, and carbon-wasting carnivores. We weep with all those turkeys wo suffered. We stand in solidarity with them. On this day, we all are turkeys!


Anonymous said...

When I think of turkeys all that come to mind is "gobble, gobble."

Anonymous said...

"gobble gobbble" ??

that is really a dumb comment.

This is a dumb blog too

Dr. Waddlesworth Lumplevin said...

My dear Mr. Anonymous #2...

The lofty discourse on this blog appear to be hovering far above your ability to grasp it.

Perhaps I should write so as you can easily peck at it on the ground?

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