Wednesday, November 12, 2008

We Demand Same-Sex Marriage! And Same-Person Marriage Too!

Egosexuals Arise! Take Your Rightful Place At The Teeming Smorgasborg of Diversity!

As representatives of tolerance for everyone, we heartily join with the shouts of outrage, the violent protests, the calls for church-burnings, and the plans for insurrection and resistance now taking place in California in justified reaction to the passing of the hate-filled Proposition 8. While some call for the burnings of all churches. I am a moderate here. I call only for the burnings of those that supported the measure.

To show how horrible all civility and all decency is deteriorating in California, today, a frightening fascist granny brutally attacked an entire group of several hundred peacefully protesting gays and lesbians, who then were forced to overwhelm her to protect themselves. What are we coming to? By "we" (those offended at Prop 8 and the horrid cross-wielding grannies) I mean not just the editorial board of "Lumps For The Left," but the World Association for Narcisstic Kindness, Empathy and Rights. ( and

Yes, I am a sexual minority too struggling for our rights - the rights of egosexuals. Yes, I am one, proudly and defiantly! Earlier in my own life, I tried to conform with society. I went with a few girls in High school, but they were too complicated, costly and troublesome for me. Then I went along with the gay-is-cool-craze of the 80's, but after 164 encounters, I decided it was too tiresome and risky. I was miserable. Then one day, while looking at myself in the rear view mirror while stuck in traffic, a Whitney Houston song came on the radio :

"I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all."

Tears streamed down my face as I realized I loved myself and that was all I needed! It was OK. I didn't have to believe all the hatred and religious bigotry stuff about selfishness being bad. I cast aside the shackles of hatred and bigotry and open declared myself a proud egosexual. And it was good.

Once disparaged by religious bigots as 'onanism," we egosexuals are finally coming out of the closet. Scientific studies show tha we consist of about 10% of the population, and are growing. Many famous people in history from Greek civilization to many of today's celebrities are egosexuals. Many creative people, like Madonna, Al Gore, George Clooney, and Sean Penn are open egosexuals. Studies also show that we were born that way. Psychologists have dropped their previous definition of egosexuality as an illness, as more studies show that it is healthy behavior. Egosexualism occurs naturally in nature, as you can observe in much animal behavior, like dogs.

We demand our rights along with gays and lesbians and every other love orienation. We will no longer tolerate the use of derogotory hate terminology like "wanker," tosser," or, like the evil Palin said about her detractors recently, "jerks." We want sympathetic characters on TV shows and in movies. We want equal opportunity and equal pay. We want to see an egosexual President some day. And we demand equal rights for marrying. As old archaic, religious-imposed definitions for marriage like man-woman, are being tossed onto the ash heap of history, we also demand that other outdated definitions be tossed out. Where does the Constitution say that marriage cannot be same-sex? Where does it say it cannot be same-person?

Onanists arise! We are here! We are weird! We are here to stay!


Anonymous said...

Tears of laughter streaming down my face as I read this.

RenanRocco said...

This is hilarious, i was really thinking that the gender ideology could reach such objectives.

I was searching for "Egosexualism", and this text is a great (an ironic) example of it.