Pres.-Elect Obama Moves With Dogged Determination to Fix Things

Our Crack reporters Have a Leg Up on The Selection Process!

Pres.-elect Barack Obama wasted no time today in moving to heal the world as he moves into the transition period, by making speeches about the economy that is rapidly turning into the worst economic disaster in human history. Although he is showing amazingly wise restraint in choosing a Secretary of the Treasury that will bolster confidence in the imploding stock market, he did boldly and eloquently promise to "fix the economy" and "help working people" with words that left millions of people sighing with relief.

Meanwhile, his newly appointed Chief of Staff, famed pit bull, Rep. Rahm Emanuel, hired to help Obama fix things, is working on another vital decision and the first of his new appointment - what kind of dog should Obama get for his two daughters, as he promised in his victory speech. In a press conference with Rep. Rahm, he said, "Our first order of business is to get rid of that vicious, horrid, evil creature in the White House who has brought such pain on all of us - Barney the Scottish Terrier. He actually bit one of our reporters! Sore losers! Change has come and we will change the White House Dog first thing. This decision will not only bring much joy to the Obama household, but we want it to reflect the Change and Hope that the world is looking to us to bring. Certain breeds, to be honest, will not adequately reflect what we want to say to America and the world in this time of crisis.

"Right off the bat, we will not be having any of those awful Terrier breeds in the White House. We have had eight years of terror from this Terrier and we do not want more of the same.

On the other hand, the English Sheepdog is a magnificent species. Nevertheless, the oppression and mistreatment of sheep at the hands of some sheepdogs can be taken as our endorsement of this behavior. No.

"We have considered, the Boxer which is a good dog, but we believe it will send the wrong message as it speaks of bellicosity and aggresion. Can't do.

"Chihuahua. Not politically correct for our Mexican constituency, and the smallness and yappiness is not conducive to the image we want to project about Change.

"Retrievers or Hounds, perhaps? Unfortunately some people think in terms of 'guilt by association,' and these dogs are used too much for hunting, which is associated with bitter people. Sadly, no.

"Beagle or Collie?? Nah. Way too American kitsch, flyoverish, bourgeoisie and middle class. Ick. The Europeans would laugh at our lack of sophistication.

"German shepherd, Weimeraner or Doberman? No can do. Too much baggage.

"Poodle!? Voila! Beautiful! Divine! Fantastique! But,...no.. the droll Conservatives would complain how we're Euro-elitists.

"An Afghan?...hmmmm, interesting.... elegant and suave like Obama, but no, it might offend the Muslims.

"The Saint Bernard...Hmmm. The compassion for the needy looks good here, but, no way, too Christian. We are in the post-Christian era now. Might offend Muslims... and atheists. "

"The Great Dane...Very nice and regal, reflecting on Barack's poise and authority, but it might be misinterpreted as offensive to Muslims, as the Danes have wrongly supported Iraq and printed those cartoons offending Islam."

"Perhaps a Dachshund?...Great dog, but then the kids will call it a "hot dog." You know... Pork. Muslims. Offended. Nope.

Alaskan Huskie? Nooooo!!! Aaaaagh! Crap! Spit! *cough*! No friggin' way!! Alaska? What's that? Never heard of it!"

"All these traditional breeds are fine, but we want our administration to speak of fresh change, or a new direction for America, where we will all come together and work to see a better America. We are considering a dog that will help us convey the message of unity and Change. Therefore we are going with a mixed breed dog to be compassionately chosen from an animal shelter, to show how the Obama administration will benefit everyone."

After staff members returned from the dog shelter, a photo of the new dog that will represent the Hope and Change to the world that the Obama era will represent, was surreptitiously leaked to the press, and we obtained one of the first pictures of it.