Friday, November 28, 2008

Let's Talk Some Serious Turkey

Stop The Terrorism!!!

I realize that many of your heartless stomachs and intestines are at this very moment criminally involved with using gastric juices in an attempt to erase the incriminating evidence by dissolving masticated chunks of this magnificent avian for bodily use. Others are just trying to assimilate the recent events going on in India. I know this will be hard to digest, but for progressive people, there is an even more severe terrorism than that in India that is going on right under our noses - Thanksgiving. It must stop! There are so many things about this bird-brained holiday that really sticks in my gizzard and just makes me want to hurl whirrled peas!

First, this is genocide. The heartless incarceration, mistreatment, wholesale trafficking and cruel slaughter of these innocent birds is a crime against humanity. WTF? - you say? Carl Sagan and many scientists have documented the interelatedness of all animals including humans. The shocking evidence in the photos above incontrovertibly prove the point. Sagan documents how human behavior is really just the result of past animal behavior codified and programmed into the genes. We can all certainly see that and so it needs no further explanation. In many ways the slaughter on Thanksgiving can be likened to the greatest exhibition of mass cannibalism in human history. The terrorism must stop now!

Second, this is an insult and a foreign diplomacy gaff of gargantuan proportions. Just when we need to make friends with Muslim nations and desist in insulting them and hence provoking them into a maelstrom of nuclear nightmare that the human race might not survive, we need to respect them, as well as Islam, and not call their countries insulting names. It is terrorism against Muslims! We must immediately move Congress to change the name of the bird to something more politically correct, like "George W. Bush."

Thirdly, the entire shameful Thansgiving affair is a severe breach between the Great Impenetrable Wall between church and state, and a gross affront to the Constitution. It is criminally offensive to have this atrocious violation of church and state, when to think that it has taken enough secular lawyers and legislators to populate a snmall European country, as well as many years to carefully plan, construct and maintain this wall, not to speak of the gazillions spent in litigation to defend our right to not have even the slightest suggestion of deity ever appear before our highly educated, and refined secularist sensibilities in the public square. The public square belongs to all, but especially to us atheists. Get use to it. It's the Constitution, baby.

This holiday along with many others, simply needs to be brought into compliance with the Constitution, which although is severely flawed, nevertheless in this case it needs to be upheld, by abolishing all these Christianist holidays. See how infiltrated we are with theocratic violations of our rights? Even the word "holiday" needs to be abolished, for it implies something divine, which insults and offends every atheist and tramples upon their rights every time the word is used. After that we can rename all the days of the week which also deeply offends every atheist and mercilessly crushes their rights to never hear any word even remotely associated with divinity while they live in America. For we people of unfaith, people who believe in ghosts and omnipotent, omnipresent spirits are frightening, scary, and horrifying. It is intolerant and hateful to force us to even think bout it. It is terrorism and must stop now.

Besides, what's to be thankful about? We are the most racist, imperialist, violent, dangerous terrorist nation ever to have existed in human history. The U.S is no longer what it could be and I don't want my children growing up in that. Of course, I am an unapologetic and proud egosexual to whom just the thought of procreating another foul human being to inhabit this suffering planet with their accompanying imperialisic hegemony against the other weaker species and animal denizens, just makes me want to choke a turkey. But even if I were thankful for something, who would I thank? I am an atheist! It would be embarrassing, humiliating, confusing. The whole thing just causes terrible, unimaginable anguish and stress for we atheists. It is emotional terrorism!

So yesterday, as I sat in my house all alone eating faux turkey sandwiches, I thought warmly about Ben Franklin, who, instead of the warlike, harsh, scary bald eagle, originally wanted to designate the turkey as the national bird. Since Change has now come finally to America, I think this change would be a symbolic gesture of honor to the new Change, the new leadership, the new image we have as Americans.

On Turkey Day, we think of and honor all the innocent avians who were cruelly imprisoned and heartlessly butchered for the delight of imperialist Americans, thoughtless Christianists, and carbon-wasting carnivores. We weep with all those turkeys wo suffered. We stand in solidarity with them. On this day, we all are turkeys!

Friday, November 21, 2008

Al-Qaida No. 2 Softens Image, Tries SNL Approach

Zawahri Reportedly Negotiating For News Anchor Job on MSNBC or as Possible Stand-In for Stephen Colbert

Ayam al-Zawahri, Al-Qaeda's No. 2 man, this week sent a message that left many wondering whether a change is happening inside Al Qaeda. In the message, al-Zawahri said, "America has put on a new face, but its heart full of hate, mind drowning in greed and spirit which spreads evil, murder, repression and despotism continue to be the same as always." He then used a slur, calling Pres.-elect Obama, as well as Colin Powell and Condi Rice, "house negroes," a term used by Obama hero, Malcolm X, whose footage was interspersed throughout the unique, cryptic ramblings, meant to refer to a black who was complacently serving his white masters.

The Lumps staff, with our expert panel on Islamic religion and Arabic, has determined that the entire monologue is, in effect, a crude, yet subtle attempt at self-parody, and is more like an imitation of a David Letterman routine than your typical Islamic jihadi mullah rant extolling the glories of genocide. It seems Al Qaeda leadership have shifted their publicity campaign to brilliantly following the old Confucian axiom - "You can catch flies with honey, not with vinegar." Speculation is that Al Qaeda, sensing a paradigm shift in the American political landscape, has accordingly shifted its approach at winning the hearts and minds of Americans. Moving away from using such previous tactics as terrorism, beheadings, insults and mass murder, to convince Americans and westerners to submit to Allah, they are now using self-deprecating humor. Furthermore, we have received direct information that ex- SoCal native, couch potato, and metal rocker turned Al Qaeda terrorist, Adam Gadahn, is advising bin Laden and Ayam on American culture and the use of snarky humor to influence and promote the Al Qaeda agenda to the American public. The change signals a more pragmatic approach to jihad, mercifully hoping that 300 million Americans will be convinced to willingly submit to Allah, instead of having to be evaporated in a nuclear holocaust, which would be a tragic financial loss considering the zizziya tax required by the Quran on subjugated kaffirs.

Evidence shows that Osama bin Laden's trend towards a more humanized, even Americanized approach to jihad has perhaps been developing for more time than most western experts had previously suspected. Recently, Kola Boof, 37, the Sudanese poet and novelist who claims to have once been bin Laden's sex slave, writes in her autobiography, Diary of a Lost Girl, which is excerpted in the September Harper's: "He told me Whitney Houston was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen." Boof - who wrote for the soap opera "The Days of Our Lives" until she was axed last month - continues, "He said that he had a paramount desire for [Houston] and although he claimed music was evil, he spoke of someday spending vast amounts of money to go to America and try to arrange a meeting." So in other words, it seems in contrast to Zawahri's attempt at winning the American public through satire and wit, bin Laden's strategy is even more well-known to the US public - bedding a famous celebrity and then getting a fawning interview on the View or The National Enquirer, and perhaps a good seat at the Oscars or Grammies.

While we on the Left have always vehemently asserted that the supposed danger of Al Qaeda has been wildly exagerrated by the Rovian neo-con conspiratorialists in Washington DC, and that some of Al Qaeda's arguments are actually quite well-reasoned and worth considering, this welcome news of a newer humane and comedic jihadi approach is confirmation of our previous perceptions - that these jihadists are not the dangerous, insane, fanatically violent threats to humanity as the neocon Bushies have made them out to be. They are much like we are.

As for us at Lumps from the Left, we say, "Yo, you rock Ayam!" Give us more!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Obama: "Let's Spread the Brains Around a Little Bit Too"

Doh! Dumbness Is Not So Dumb After All!

The Right-wing blogosphere is currently working itself up into a frothing freak-out of foam-flecked fanaticism over the videos of Obama supporters who cannot say who runs Congress, or why the economy is so bad, or what the Constitution is, but know everything about the MySpace pictures of Gov. Palin's daughter. They further have thrown dirt in the air over reports that Harvard seniors scored an average of 69% (D-) on a basic high school history-economics-civics exam, with everyone else scoring far below. Being the consituency that voted for Obama by 70%, in the convoluted right-wing mindset, they are saying that Obama voters are...ummmm... dumb. They claim that a subservient, manipulated and manipulative Mainstream Media pushed for Obama's election, and criminally refused to report the truth. These troglodytes furthermore make the ridiculous claim that, considering the astounding ignorance of so many voters, especially young ones, that the 2008 election was nothing more than the brainwashing of an ignorant, half-witted, slavish populace by a cynical, agenda-driven Media and their slick, inspid media campaign. Well, they are crazy idiots! Nothing could be farther or closer to the truth at the same time! Huh? Let me explain it to you one-brain-celled creatures who have difficulty assimilating complex, subtle and multi-level concepts.

"Democracy is equality," said one founder of the modern progressive state. Progressive people think about the whole planet not just nationalistically. In the past, America has had one of the highest literacy and education levels in the world. This has given us an unfair advantage in the world, fomenting our dominance, oppresion and hegemony over Third world peoples that made "chickens come home to roost." As Pres.-elect Obama desires to bring social justice and equality through wealth redistribution - the taking away of wealth from those that have more and giving it to those that don't - equally so, the progressive education agenda is as equally desirous of another redistribution plan for social justice - brains redistribution. Equality!

The Change towards world peace and harmonic synergy we are implementing, and have been for a long time, is primarily designed to come about through equalization through education. Do you really think Bill Ayers' deer-in-the-headlight-benighted-rumpled-professor-look is real? You are the deer, you precious little dumb dear. Educators like Ayers and myself get gajillions of US tax money and grants in order to reeducate your children, at once dumbing them down and creating complacent planetery citizens. Do you think it was for nothing that good old Joe (not that Joe!) said, "“Education is a weapon whose effects depend on who holds it in his hands and at whom it is aimed"? We have subtley introduced post-modernism, Hegelian dialectic gradualism into the schools which, while it has been shown to stop all rational thinking, is a wonderful equalizer in the sense it allows us to reprogram the minds of the young. Old divisive, anti-Change thinking based on stuff like history, economics, civics, logic has been replaced with a sense of planetary consciousness, feelings of belonging, and rejection of old Christian values. Change!

Ok. I realize I just flew over the heads of most of you muddle-headed middle-American simpletons. Facts don't matter anymore! Get it? Education today transcends just learning stuff. It means creating a compliant planetary citizenry who are all equal to the rest even if the rest are fairly uneducated. "Educated" doesn't mean educated in the way it used to mean. Actually, not being so educated is really smarter! Dumbing down America is bringing about world peace and equality. Dumb = smart. Got it?

Do you think that's stupid, Mr. Rightwinger-sore-loser? Well look where you are, compared to where we are. Gosh, you are dumb! Like, Doh!

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

The Traitor Not Expelled or Executed

Amazing Grace Shown From the Merciful One; Lieberman Given Chance To Repent, Reform and Be Humble

Against the uproar of many Party militants, Pres.-elect Obama continues to show the great magnaminity of a historic, glorious great world-class statesman by pardoning the foul unrepentant terrorist, Joe Liebermann, of acts against the Party, the State, and against humanity in general, by his support of the subversive and dangerous McCain-Palin ticket. When asked about his vile, evil support of violent Anti-Progressive movements, Lieberman was defiant, "I don't regret setting off this political bomb by supporting my friend, Sen. McCain. I feel I didn't do enough."

Obama issued this statement to Party leaders: "I condemn Joe Lieberman's participation with violent, anti-Change elements and radical groups like the Republican Party. But his support for Israel started when I was only eight. Look, any attempt to connect me with that is ridiculous. Although Sen. Joe Lieberman has more recently trampled upon our most sacred symbol - the donkey - as well as showing support for the terrorist nations of the United States of America and Israel, we believe that he can be fully rehabilitated, and we will continue to work with and let him eat with us at our table in the Senate cafeteria. We are a Big Tent Party, even if Joe is in the latrine outside the tent."

Other Party advocates were not so positive about Obama's benign and tolerant attitude towards Sen. Lieberman. "Change is not a f-----n dinner party, not an essay, nor a painting, nor a piece of embroidery; it cannot be advanced softly, gradually, carefully, considerately, respectfully, politely, plainly and modestly," said Rev. Jesse Jackson. "If I were Obama, I would cut his sanctimonious, Zionist balls off."

Monday, November 17, 2008

McCain Weeps, Loves Obama

McCain Says He Sees Obama Now as his "Big Brother"

Aides and press were stunned as ex-candidate and foe Sen. John McCain inadvertently collapsed into Pres.-elect Barack Obama's arms in their historic meeting at Obama's Chicago transition headquarters today. The light chat designed to "bury the hatchet" and discuss issues such as climate change, the economy, and whether Penn State deserves to go to the Rose Bowl, took an unexpected turn when McCain grew strangely silent as an awkward silence came over the room.

Tears welling up in his eyes, McCain could barely choke out the words," You know, Barry, my friend, all...those awful things I said, you know....about being a socialist....about associating with terrorists, scumbags and race-mongering preachers....I am so sorry! I didn't mean it! Oh gawd!" McCain suddenly reached across the table and clutched Pres.-elect Obama and the two men just sat there holding each other, muffled sobs occasionally erupting from McCain, whose face was deeply buried into the moistened shoulder of the blue suit Obama had worn.

The Press were then asked to leave so as to allow some moments of privacy between the two men. After 30 minutes alone together, McCain left quickly , beaming in an unusual way that has been uncharacteristic of him in most of his public life. McCain associate and friend, Sen. Lindsey Graham of South Carolina, read a written statement given to him by the senator from Arizona before he left in a flood of emotion:

"My friends, in todays' meeting with the President-elect Obama, I was overcome with an overwhelming sense of the greatness of this man. As I gazed up at his compassionate face in that meeting, I saw that it had taken me the two years of this campaign to learn what kind of smile was hidden beneath the dark look. O cruel, needless misunderstanding! O stubborn, self-willed exile from the loving breast! I wept today in unabashed joy at simply being in his presence. But it is all right, everything is all right, the struggle is finished. I have won the victory over myself. I love Obama."

Spontaneous and exuberant applause then broke out amongst the reporters gathered at the Obama headquarters. Some were unapologetically weeping too.

Sen. Graham finished reading the statement by McCain: "My friends, I'll do whatever he says to do. I'll collect paper cups off the ground to make his pathway clear."

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

We Demand Same-Sex Marriage! And Same-Person Marriage Too!

Egosexuals Arise! Take Your Rightful Place At The Teeming Smorgasborg of Diversity!

As representatives of tolerance for everyone, we heartily join with the shouts of outrage, the violent protests, the calls for church-burnings, and the plans for insurrection and resistance now taking place in California in justified reaction to the passing of the hate-filled Proposition 8. While some call for the burnings of all churches. I am a moderate here. I call only for the burnings of those that supported the measure.

To show how horrible all civility and all decency is deteriorating in California, today, a frightening fascist granny brutally attacked an entire group of several hundred peacefully protesting gays and lesbians, who then were forced to overwhelm her to protect themselves. What are we coming to? By "we" (those offended at Prop 8 and the horrid cross-wielding grannies) I mean not just the editorial board of "Lumps For The Left," but the World Association for Narcisstic Kindness, Empathy and Rights. ( and

Yes, I am a sexual minority too struggling for our rights - the rights of egosexuals. Yes, I am one, proudly and defiantly! Earlier in my own life, I tried to conform with society. I went with a few girls in High school, but they were too complicated, costly and troublesome for me. Then I went along with the gay-is-cool-craze of the 80's, but after 164 encounters, I decided it was too tiresome and risky. I was miserable. Then one day, while looking at myself in the rear view mirror while stuck in traffic, a Whitney Houston song came on the radio :

"I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all."

Tears streamed down my face as I realized I loved myself and that was all I needed! It was OK. I didn't have to believe all the hatred and religious bigotry stuff about selfishness being bad. I cast aside the shackles of hatred and bigotry and open declared myself a proud egosexual. And it was good.

Once disparaged by religious bigots as 'onanism," we egosexuals are finally coming out of the closet. Scientific studies show tha we consist of about 10% of the population, and are growing. Many famous people in history from Greek civilization to many of today's celebrities are egosexuals. Many creative people, like Madonna, Al Gore, George Clooney, and Sean Penn are open egosexuals. Studies also show that we were born that way. Psychologists have dropped their previous definition of egosexuality as an illness, as more studies show that it is healthy behavior. Egosexualism occurs naturally in nature, as you can observe in much animal behavior, like dogs.

We demand our rights along with gays and lesbians and every other love orienation. We will no longer tolerate the use of derogotory hate terminology like "wanker," tosser," or, like the evil Palin said about her detractors recently, "jerks." We want sympathetic characters on TV shows and in movies. We want equal opportunity and equal pay. We want to see an egosexual President some day. And we demand equal rights for marrying. As old archaic, religious-imposed definitions for marriage like man-woman, are being tossed onto the ash heap of history, we also demand that other outdated definitions be tossed out. Where does the Constitution say that marriage cannot be same-sex? Where does it say it cannot be same-person?

Onanists arise! We are here! We are weird! We are here to stay!

Friday, November 7, 2008

Pres.-Elect Obama Moves With Dogged Determination to Fix Things

Our Crack reporters Have a Leg Up on The Selection Process!

Pres.-elect Barack Obama wasted no time today in moving to heal the world as he moves into the transition period, by making speeches about the economy that is rapidly turning into the worst economic disaster in human history. Although he is showing amazingly wise restraint in choosing a Secretary of the Treasury that will bolster confidence in the imploding stock market, he did boldly and eloquently promise to "fix the economy" and "help working people" with words that left millions of people sighing with relief.

Meanwhile, his newly appointed Chief of Staff, famed pit bull, Rep. Rahm Emanuel, hired to help Obama fix things, is working on another vital decision and the first of his new appointment - what kind of dog should Obama get for his two daughters, as he promised in his victory speech. In a press conference with Rep. Rahm, he said, "Our first order of business is to get rid of that vicious, horrid, evil creature in the White House who has brought such pain on all of us - Barney the Scottish Terrier. He actually bit one of our reporters! Sore losers! Change has come and we will change the White House Dog first thing. This decision will not only bring much joy to the Obama household, but we want it to reflect the Change and Hope that the world is looking to us to bring. Certain breeds, to be honest, will not adequately reflect what we want to say to America and the world in this time of crisis.

"Right off the bat, we will not be having any of those awful Terrier breeds in the White House. We have had eight years of terror from this Terrier and we do not want more of the same.

On the other hand, the English Sheepdog is a magnificent species. Nevertheless, the oppression and mistreatment of sheep at the hands of some sheepdogs can be taken as our endorsement of this behavior. No.

"We have considered, the Boxer which is a good dog, but we believe it will send the wrong message as it speaks of bellicosity and aggresion. Can't do.

"Chihuahua. Not politically correct for our Mexican constituency, and the smallness and yappiness is not conducive to the image we want to project about Change.

"Retrievers or Hounds, perhaps? Unfortunately some people think in terms of 'guilt by association,' and these dogs are used too much for hunting, which is associated with bitter people. Sadly, no.

"Beagle or Collie?? Nah. Way too American kitsch, flyoverish, bourgeoisie and middle class. Ick. The Europeans would laugh at our lack of sophistication.

"German shepherd, Weimeraner or Doberman? No can do. Too much baggage.

"Poodle!? Voila! Beautiful! Divine! Fantastique! But, the droll Conservatives would complain how we're Euro-elitists.

"An Afghan?...hmmmm, interesting.... elegant and suave like Obama, but no, it might offend the Muslims.

"The Saint Bernard...Hmmm. The compassion for the needy looks good here, but, no way, too Christian. We are in the post-Christian era now. Might offend Muslims... and atheists. "

"The Great Dane...Very nice and regal, reflecting on Barack's poise and authority, but it might be misinterpreted as offensive to Muslims, as the Danes have wrongly supported Iraq and printed those cartoons offending Islam."

"Perhaps a Dachshund?...Great dog, but then the kids will call it a "hot dog." You know... Pork. Muslims. Offended. Nope.

Alaskan Huskie? Nooooo!!! Aaaaagh! Crap! Spit! *cough*! No friggin' way!! Alaska? What's that? Never heard of it!"

"All these traditional breeds are fine, but we want our administration to speak of fresh change, or a new direction for America, where we will all come together and work to see a better America. We are considering a dog that will help us convey the message of unity and Change. Therefore we are going with a mixed breed dog to be compassionately chosen from an animal shelter, to show how the Obama administration will benefit everyone."

After staff members returned from the dog shelter, a photo of the new dog that will represent the Hope and Change to the world that the Obama era will represent, was surreptitiously leaked to the press, and we obtained one of the first pictures of it.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

We Are The Change We Needed! Or, As Steve Erkel Would Say, "Did We Do That?" Yes We Did! Why? Because we Could!

We Are Transmorgriphying Into Something That We Don't Know Yet

He is a "transitional figure" as Colin Powell described him, and we are too! "I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together." Coo coo kachoo! (I am getting all giddy again.) I even waxed poetic in celebration:

Hope and Change.
It's here dudes!

We are transitioning from a hurt people to a healed people. We were a people who were hopelessly racist especially those that deny they are. Obama has healed our racism., even if you don't know he has. We were the most evil empire in the world. Obama will heal the world from all the hurts we caused. We are a greedy, evil, materialistic nation of capitalist running dogs, but Obama will heal us from all that attachment to stuff and 401ks, and our ridiculous attempts to become robber barons with our small businesses. He has come!

Here is what we are transitioning from: We were a Judeo-Christian nation. Nope! No longer. We are a whatever nation now, but mostly secular. We were a nation that believed in absolute values. We are all relativists now and free from the old stodgey, right-wrong mindset. We were a nation that believed that freedom gave men the opporunity to produce and create opporunities for others. Balderdash! We all know that government control and hand outs is the answer to the economy.

I personally want to thank some of the other transitional agents in this evolutionary process of Change. I thank the press, for not giving in to old models of reporting, like reporting both sides and not getting personally involved with your own preferences. They boldly sacrificed that Mencken-like protocol and, risking their very reputation and professional integrity, boldly announced that they were fighting for the change. I especially appreciate the way they utterly trashed that evil Alaskan whose name I cannot say without having a breakdown for the way she dared attack our leader at that speech. She will never be forgiven for that and lawyers are working on ways to bring her down now.

I also want to thank all those Christians who finally aborted their foul obsession, not to speak of that silly old book, but also over those nasty little globs of tissue in the womb, and decided that Hope and Change is better for the world than more disgusting humans leaving their carbon footprints all over the place and destroying Mother Earth. Maybe some Christians can be integrated into the new world order without having to eliminate them. So although you still have a ways to go before you are truly a progressive and enlightened person, you are still a surprising and welcome part of the Change we need and got, so I am sure you'll soon give up the rest of that vile crap you believe in.