Sunday, September 21, 2008

Barry Obama's Totally New Kind of Spirituality

Barry’s Multi-Cultural, Muslim-Friendly,
Neo-Marxian, Openminded, Totally cool,
Cutting Edge, Post-Modern Christianity


Barry Hussein told us this week to start getting in your damn reactionary, bitter, religion-and-gun-clingers, stupid, racist, Middle American faces. So, here I am. While we of the Left are generally a very pacifist, tolerant crowd, unless it involves Anti-War, Anti-Zionist, Anti-Bush, Anti-multinational corporations, Anti-progressive, or Anti-speciesism activities, the drop in Barry’s polls means there is a serious problem in your thinking, America, and I am here to fix it or else. Do I sound bitter? Damn straight, and with reason, you mentally defective flag-waving, family-values bootlickers!

Here’s the first lie I demand that the forces of Nascar America stop spreading -he’s not a Muslim, idiot! Get it? Those lying right-wing smear-mongers, like the Sarah “Earmark” “Neo-Nazi” Palin, just make up that crap to fool you and divide us! So what if he has a Muslim name? Big frickin’ deal if he had a Muslim father, who he wrote about idealizing him…or that he had a Muslim stepfather. That is all. Well, he was raised for the most part in a Muslim country and attended a Muslim school where he learned to recite the Quran and speaks perfect Arabic. Ok, so he might appreciate Islam, calling the summons to worship Allah from the muzzenin “the prettiest sound on earth,” but that is not the same as actually being a Muslim. And just because all the Islamic groups like Hamas, Hezbollah, Muslim Brotherhood, American Muslim Association, CAIR, have publicly stated their support for him, as do many Muslim leaders like Col. Qadaffy, that does not mean he is a Muslim either. To paraphrase a metaphor, if Daffy Duck likes me because maybe I know how to quack like Daffy, that does not necessarily make me a duck, does it? That's daft! That’s goofy!

Dear reactionary Mr. Conservative Moron, please try to let your one solitary brain cell absorb this information - Obama is a Christian for Crissakes! Some claim that Barry’s pastor for 20 years was an ex-Muslim, but that was only before he became a rich, Christian pastor, although one who maybe just likes to emulate certain Muslims like Farrakhan or Malcolm X, extolling them as the best examples to follow. But that was before the damn polls negatively affected his quest for the Presidency, so it's a moot debate point anyway.

But cripes, Barry is a damn Christian I tell you! Hell, a couple of his campaign spokesmen, Rep. Cohen and Tom Brokaw, said just last week, he’s like, the Nazareth dude himself, who supposedly fed the multitudes on a few frickin loaves and fishes. That's nothing! Barry will feed the whole world from a few taxes. And he, worked even harder than Jesus because he had to actually get out on the streets to organize the community to endlessly harangue politicians to loosen up the government purse strings to the tune of gazillions so as to feed the multitudes of poor, hungry, destitute progressive programs and friends. Dayum! Come to think, Barry is probably more Christian than Christ himself for Crissakes! Barry Obama understands the real Jesus, not the ridiculous myth fools have believed for 2000 years. Barry follows the historic Jesus who was a radical revolutionary for the oppressed, who took up the scimitar to execute jihad against the multi-national Roman corporation and unbelieving people who would not submit. Barry, like Jesus and Mohammed, was a community organizer who tried to unite us all, in a community. So maybe Mohammed was somewhat more successful at uniting than Jesus was, but Barry will be even more successful, I think. And you right-wing bigots claim he is a Muslim? Ha! What idiots! I wish Iran or the Saudis would decree some kind of friggin’ fatwa against those bastards. They would be doing the rest of the world a big favor.

Don’t get me wrong. I mean, it’s not that there is anything really wrong about being a Muslim either. Actually, it’d be great if he were a Muslim! And it’d be so cool if we had our first Muslim President. He could help stop all the persecution of Muslims in the U.S beginning at Gitmo. It’s nobody’s business anyway what private belief a candidate has, unless you are a right-wing fundie Christian like Saracuda Palin. We all know that Christianity is responsible for most of the world’s suffering and problems and that Islam is the religion of peace. It is far less dangerous than those right-wing, fundie Christian extremists like Sarah Palin, who threaten to force a theocracy on America and start executing gays and apostates. But Obama is not that kind of Christian. He’s a hip, post-modern one, the kind that understands Islam in a very deep and profound way, and perhaps, considering his statements, far deeper than he understands even his own faith. (Not that I understand anything about that dieing, reactionary, archaic, cross-obsessed faith either, which is no real loss.) And this is exactly what we need at this time of crisis and fear in America. Since we have oppressed, offended and attacked Islam through the phony “War on Terror” Obama will be very uniquely prepared to heal the wounds between the US and the Ummah.

And these American idiots say he has no experience that would qualify him as a POTUS and leader of the world??? I say, "God damn America!" if he doesn't get elected. Twenty years in Rev. Wright’s church more than prepared him to lead America in a totally new way than anyone has ever even thought of or imagined.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dr.,
Would you agree that when Marx uses the term ‘modernist theory’ to denote the role of the modern politician as writer, that the subject, like Christianity, is contextualised into a textual paradigm of narrative that includes language as a paradox?

Just askin'.

SeanLA said...

please address issues of the Annenburg Challenge. My son is in public school and I am concerned.

Dr. Waddlesworth Lumplevin said...

I understand your concern. They might have some old-fashioned teacher that did not teach that western liberal democracy is no better than the communitic system or African tribal customs.

I will try to work on an article about the great benefits of indoctrinization by groups like Willy Ayer's Annenburg Challenge.

Anonymous said...

Are those lumps fibrocystic, Dr.? Have you had them checked out for malignancy?