The Startling Expose: Who Is Joe "The Plumber?"

News Flash! He's Not All He's Cracked Up To Be!

Joe "the Plumber" is now on the lips of every person in the U.S. and on every TV screen around the world. The Major news networks despite having camped on his lawn incessantly, gone through his garbage, and checked out his dirty laundry have miserably failed in their civic duties, not coming up with anything truly damaging.

So, who is this mystery person that has sprung up like a sewer leak out of the anonymity of the banal bourgeoisie masses into the highest promontory of plumbing prominence and power? I have been doing an exhaustive investigation to flush out the real "Joe the Plumber," and with multiple sources have threaded together an incomplete, yet stunning, disturbing picture of the man whose image is flooding America. With my dedicated staff, we have exposed the cracks in the persona of "Joe the Plumber." And it doesn't smell pretty.

Joe Wurzelbacher's childhood is a complicated enigma of troubling curiosities. While his birth certificate is still mysteriously lost due to circumstances the family will not reveal, he is reputed to have been born in the village of Scheissdorf in northern Ohio. One of the earlier and disturbing trends in the formation of Joe was the influence of his father, Chuck, who was quite a maverick of sorts, especially for those days. During the 60's it is shockingly reported that while his union buddies were voting for LBJ, Chuck openly campaigned for the Aryan Christian Party. Joe's emotional abandonment in his youth by his radical father and his crazy mother, had led him into a severe identity crisis during his teens. He especially struggled with his German heritage. Deep into identity crisis of his youth, trying to resolve his buried German Nazi ancestry with his American pie surroundings, he sought out strong male, neo-fascist figures to identify with and fill the void.

One of those early mentors was Frank Dietrich. Dietrich, who had known Joe's radical father, was a lascivious, secretive and controversial town recluse and pedophile, amateur plumber, writer of pro-Nazi screenplay musicals, and reputed to be also a member of the Ku Klux Klan. Dietrich taught the young Joe that being of German ancestry, and of pro-fascist leanings in the family, is not something to be ashamed of. Dietrich taught the young Joe that the American system was corrupt right down to its plumbing. Through Dietrich's subversive influence within the Pipefitters Local, they managed to send him off to a privileged position at the best trade school in eastern Ohio, where young Joe excelled and became top plumber's apprentice for residential work. With Joe's intelligence and amicable nature he inexorably floated to the top of the small, intense, and often smelly world of Ohioan plumbing.

On graduating from trade school, Joe, as a new journeyman, decided that he wanted to serve mankind by doing sewer work, even though this was not as highly paid as comercial work and was considered far beneath Joe's level of training. He was down in the trenches daily and soon became a community plumber recognized for his capacity to wade into some of the dirtiest, filthiest jobs humanly imaginable. Some of the sewer and toilet installers became interested in Joe's aptitude and energy, as a person who actually liked to get into sewers and such, although it is reported that some of Joe's sewer work when he was a volunteer community sewer installer was rather shoddy, and to this day rumors of drippings leak all over of Holland and other nearby towns. Joe's most important connection at this time was his meeting his future wife, Michaela Schnerfberger, who worked as a receptionist for a local toilet ceramic factory.

Another father figure he met at the time was Willhelm Air whose obscenely wealthy family owned a large plumbing outfit and were deeply involved in sewer systems. Air, in fact, was against all modern plumbing, and agitated for going back to ecological outhouses and natural forms of waste disposal of the 19th century. He admired the Soviet system, as well as the mid-20th century German system greatly. One day while in Moscow and was walking around trying to buy toilet paper. He saw a man walking with a roll and asked him, "Comrade, where did you get that roll of toilet paper? The man responded, "I just got it out of the dry cleaners." W. Air was greatly inspired by that and wanted to bring this radical pipe and disposal system to the U.S. It is rumored that he was so vehement that he even tried to destroy local plumbing installations in order to force the acceptance of Russian or German piping and ecological disposal in Ohio. But that was when the young Joe was only eight years old. It is difficult to tell how much Air's radical views of waste systems influenced the young impressionable Joe, but their friendship and association in multiple plumbing projects was extensive and the affiliation deep.

Another questionable father figure was Tommy Scheisschlo, a local, shadowy German-American financier of plumbing projects, one's that often resulted in vast rip-offs of poor widows, broken pipes, water damage, sewage contamination. Yet despite Reizcho's criminal record on plumbing intallations, Joe inexplicably remained close to him, even buying an expensive but underpriced utility truck from him that might have been stolen.

Joe's most contoversial relationship was with a local corrupt German-American plumber, Gerry Reiche III,(aka. "The Rev") a mystic, explosively erratic pro-German, whose company was famous for diagnosing problems falsely, charging exorbitant rates, favoring clients of German ancestry, and blaming clients when their shoddy work had problems. One time at a local barbershop, he was reported to shout, "Everyone in town owes us something!" Another time, in 2001, he laughed with glee and gloated when a major building's system backed up, screaming outside the disaster, "Gut damn you all, Gut damn you! It's all your schvault you schweinhunt!"

Despite these unsavory associations, Joe's reputation skyrocketed in the plumbing world and he finally decided to get his residential license. Although almost no evidence exist to show he worked on any single job with efficiency and expediency, his attractive personality caused him to get more jobs and more reknown, simply because he could convince people that he was a good plumber. Soon he ran for head of the local residential pipefiters union and won because of the influence and pay off money fro friends like Air, Scheisscho, Reiche and others. Yet, even in that position, there is no credible record of an accomplishment or betterment of the union. In fact, to this day, Holland Ohio plumbing services are broken down and there are people wading in cesspools of filth, sewage and despair in the very sites where Joe had worked.

Amazingly, despite that glaring record of plumbing failures, Joe is currently attempting to dominate the plumbing business in Ohio as he rides high on his corrupt connections in the Holland, Ohio plumbing world, and on his beguiling ability to give the impression of unflappable confidence. Apart from his own plumbing business, he is currently running as head of the local plumbers union, in a tight, ferocious campaign with an old, respectable, well-liked stalwart in the plumbing business of northern Ohio, Jack McPane, who wants to reform the rampant corruption in the Ohio plumbing business. Joe's campaign promises a vast change in the entire way the plumbing business is run in Ohio. While his proposals change every week, he has advocated for the equalization of bathroom facilities across the state. "Why should some people have a gold-ornamented bidet and others just a bucket of water on the back porch? Free outhouses for all Ohioans!" Another platform is that all Ohioan plumbers must return immediately from outside the state, even if they haven't yet finished their plumbing jobs.

It looks like Joe and his allies in the corrupt union are up to their old tricks though - enormous unexplained donations from outside the state, a flood of questionable names registered as supposed union members, a massive, overwhelming, vicious propaganda campaign that closely follows the past German media patterns of some of his distant relatives. Enormous posters with Joe's imposing face in red looks down in inumerable union halls across Ohio with the caption, "Big Joe Loves You," or the more ominously worded, "Change: Or Else!" His supporters have also threatened McPane supporters and promised violence if Joe doesn't win.

So, no more whitewashing of this racist. This persona polluting the landscape of the media stinks to high heaven. This election year, know your Joes. The real "Joe the Plumber," is not the fabled, mythological Joe of six-pack fame, nor much less, Joe Biden who hangs out at the local Home Depot trying to fix a faucet leak. No, no. This is not just some harmless Schmoe, as the right-wing media is desperately trying to portray him. He is more like Joe Goebbels, rather than Joe Cool (although it is reported that Joe does like Camels.) The Joe that I know through this investigation is not the Joe that the average Joe Blow knows, and he is definitely not my cup of Joe.

The McCain Campaign: A Threat to Democracy and Peace

It is Time to Get Tough With Them! Enough! Basta!

It is an understatement of the understatement of the millenium to say I am in an outrage. Although some of my closest associates would say that I am in a perpetual outrage, nevertheless, my amazing capacity for tolerance, humanitarianism, and liberalism can only go so far. The McCain campaign has crossed the lines of tolerance, decency, respect, and acceptability.

First, the McCain campaign is arresting and attacking voter registration organizations across the country and throwing these workers in jail on trumped up charges of fraud. They dare to cast aspersions upon and to question the validity of the heroic voter registration campaign waged by the activist brothers of ACORN and their thousands of hired canvassers hired from homeless shelters and paid for by your tax dollars to raise support for Sen. Obama. How dare they attack our democratic process by demanding that every ballot be checked for accuracy and valdity. What kind of Nazi sentiments would declare that the Cleveland Browns football team, Mickey Mouse, people that cannot read or write or have trouble breathing, or seventy-two people named "Joe Smith" do not have the right to excercize their democratic right to vote Democratic? This is an outrage! They actually demand verification of these millions of new voters! Yea right! Checking ID's, verification and pursuing supposed false registrations is just another sleazy attempt by the McCain campaign to completely destroy democracy in America.

But things are getting worse than that. An expert journalist at the HuffPo said in article that he heard at a P-P-P-Palin rally (I am trying not to be vulgar) reported that he heard somebody say "KILL HIM!" when Palin dared let The Name cross her vile, evil-speaking lips. She should not even be allowed to say his name, much less allowing her supporters to scream "Kill Him!" The Media dutifully reported it and Obama brought it up in the third debate as a grave national security issue. Never mind if the security team working the event, and the FBI investigators could not corroborate the claim, saying that what was said was apparently "Tell them!" The mere suggestion that it was said is enough! These people are utterly dangerous. Plus everyone knows that while the FBI and security people are utterly untrustworthy, the Media would never lie. I am outraged! Something must be done!

Obama boldly and unashamedly said today, that he is outraged at FoxNews for its unfair reporting against him. I am even more outraged. Though Obama is outspending the McCain campaign by 3 to 1 in most areas, (only 2 to 1 in the rest) he is only 5 points ahead instead of 20, due to the biased, mean, reporting of Fox on non-issues like a few harmless guys who live in his neighborhood, his alleged lack of experience, his plan to tax a few greedy people who don't want to share their wealth, ETC., ETC. So what if it may be true that NBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC, CNN, and all the newspapers and national news magazines are unabashedly campaigning for Obama. That is only fair and balanced because it balances out the unfairness at "fair and balanced" FoxNews. Americans need to hear the truth of how Obama will save the economy, give everyone health care, lower the debt, help the economy by taxing the wealthy and the greedy corporations, and bring world peace and general wonderfullness to earth. At a time like this we cannot have all the news media saying one thing, and then one single media outlet saying a bunch of lies against it. We need unity, to speak of one mind and one voice with one vision. Fox is trying to bring division and confusion and needs to either start reporting like the rest of the Media or be shut down for the sake of democracy and truth.

Finally, in one of the most outrageous exhibits of violence ever in a U.S campaign, McCain thugs decided they would march down the streets of the usually peaceful, progressive street of the upper West side of NYC, and actually carry McCain-Palin signs! It is clear the whole plan was to offend the leftist sensibilities of the enlightened, progressive denizens of this oasis of light and culture. This was like having the KKK march down into Harlem, or the Jews in downtown Tehran. As can be seen on the video I posted on the left column, and as was sinisterly intended by the McCain campaign, the tolerant, peace-loving people were provoked and incited into a near riot by the aggresive, brownshirt behavior of the McCain marchers of their territory.One poor democracy-loving, Democratic pacifist was so offended by their behavior that he bravely chose to take on one of the fascist marchers one-on-one, taking the signs, tearing them up, and hitting one thug on the head repeatedly. It didn't matter that the thug was an older woman of sixty, she is a danger to society and our hope for Change and world peace. Now the poor man who was provoked into hitting her sits unjustly in a jail. This is an outrage and we demand his immediate release and the dropping of all charges! We are raising money for his bail so he can go home to his mother who needs him desperately.

Although I agree with Obama that silly symbolic gestures like saying the Pledge, wearing a flag pen, or putting your hand over your head instead of, say, your crotch, are obsolete, I still love America. But, like the Obamas have repeatedly said, that love is not for whatever she was or is, but what she could be. These outrages from the McCain campaign clearly point to an end to democracy as we know it and a threat to what we can be, the change that we hope for which we are because, well, we have been hoping for it. A news outlet that dares to report things that cause confusion and doubt, marchers that are violent just by virtue of holding signs up, screams in rallies that purposefully re made to sound like something that it maybe isn't - this is all unacceptable violence on the part of the McCain campaign and is worse than even the supposed attacks by supposed oppressed groups on a few towers. All we lost on that day was a couple of ugly buildings and a few thousand money-grubbing capitalists and imperialists. This is much worse. We are losing democracy!

The Hatred and Bigotry of the Republicans Has Done Me In

Take heart! There is a solution!
I don't know what has happened to me. I am generally a peaceful person, except for when I was involved a bit in the peace effort during the Vietnam era. We had to bomb a few targets like the Statue of Liberty and Independence Hall as a symbolic statements for the freedom of the people of Southeast Asia, and it worked! Our peace effort brought peace to millions of citizens of Southeast Asia, millions of whom are now living peacefully in the U.S.

But I digress. Everytime I see that goddam evil, %^$% racist, neo-nazi #$%&^ bitch thing from Alaska, I simply lose all my normal intelligence, poise, tolerance, love for humanity and calm demeanor. You may not be able to tell it by my literary eruditions, but everytime I see her on TV at home, she sends me into uncontrollable hysterical fits of animalistic rage . My insurance company is no longer believes me that my third plasma screen TV just spontaneously exploded again and are now refusing to replace it. Greedy corporate thieves! I am on meds. I wake up at nights in cold sweats with horrific nightmares of plastic glasses and twangy Middle-American prose echoing in my terrified heart. And most tragic of all, my thinking and conversation has become erratic and incoherent, which is starting to affect my writing. I am out of control. My life is unmanageable.

I have admitted I need help and that there is a higher power available, at a cost - Dr. Weinstein, my therapist. She has been helping me to work through all this, to comprehend why this....this...that....#$%^%$ Palin!... sends me, a reknown professor of human ontology and PHD from Harvard, into a total frightening freak-out fit of nuclear meltdown defcon5 batshit crazy blathering barbarity. She has comforted me in showing me that I am not alone in this struggle, but that many of the finest, most brilliant, creative people on the planet are caught in this horrid, inhumane vortex of mindless fanatic rage and hate, people like Madonna, Matt Damon, Gloria Steinem, all the dozens of once-famous-out-of-work actors who now write 50$ articles for the HuffPo excoriating Palin, ETC., ETC.

Yesterday, in my group therapy session at the San Fransisco Zen Center, we had a wonderful breakthrough. We were discussing exactly why %^&!%$ Palin incites so many of us peace-loving people dedicated to humanitarianism, tolerance, women's lib, and open-mindedness into deep, scary, vein-popping levels of hatred and clinically off-the-charts exhibitions of Tourette's Syndrome. One of our group, a screen writer for sex therapy films, suddenly had a glorious epiphany. "Hey! We are not really all that bad!" he shouted out to the group almost spilling his raspberry double-macadamia nut frappé. "No?" we asked hopefully in stunned unison. "NO!" he screamed letting his super-ego take a backseat to his id. "It's all her fault! Everytime they criticize an Obama position or associate, they are being like the racist bigots who burned alive those little black school girls in Alabama! I am seeing it now...We are not guilty!" ( Although later, some cynically thought he might have been seeing a newsfeed about Rep. Lewis' statements on his iPhone.) Oh it was incredible! We all leaped up in childlike joy and release, and started taking off our clothes while marching in a circle chanting, "Kill Ms. Piggie! Kill Ms. Piggie! Kill Ms. Piggie!" It was so liberating!

So now I am free. Free at last! I am in my 12th step now - carrying the message to others who suffer pangs of conscience about their irrational, sub-human hatred toward Sarah Palin- It's OK! No more guilt and shame when I say that I would like to take that %$#%$%ing Sarah Palin and film her getting tortured and raped by brothers from Harlem, as one Prgressive recently suggested. And then, before kicking her ass myself with my hobnailed boots until she screams for mercy, as Madonna suggested to thousands of hooting fans , I will burn her trailer-trash family alive before her eyes just before finishing her off by making her drink muriatic acid and letting the last words she ever hears be, "It's all your fault Ms. Hottie... plus I hate those glasses!"

....and besides she's so....so.... mean to those poor animals!!!