Saturday, October 18, 2008
The Startling Expose: Who Is Joe "The Plumber?"
News Flash! He's Not All He's Cracked Up To Be!
Joe "the Plumber" is now on the lips of every person in the U.S. and on every TV screen around the world. The Major news networks despite having camped on his lawn incessantly, gone through his garbage, and checked out his dirty laundry have miserably failed in their civic duties, not coming up with anything truly damaging.
So, who is this mystery person that has sprung up like a sewer leak out of the anonymity of the banal bourgeoisie masses into the highest promontory of plumbing prominence and power? I have been doing an exhaustive investigation to flush out the real "Joe the Plumber," and with multiple sources have threaded together an incomplete, yet stunning, disturbing picture of the man whose image is flooding America. With my dedicated staff, we have exposed the cracks in the persona of "Joe the Plumber." And it doesn't smell pretty.
Joe Wurzelbacher's childhood is a complicated enigma of troubling curiosities. While his birth certificate is still mysteriously lost due to circumstances the family will not reveal, he is reputed to have been born in the village of Scheissdorf in northern Ohio. One of the earlier and disturbing trends in the formation of Joe was the influence of his father, Chuck, who was quite a maverick of sorts, especially for those days. During the 60's it is shockingly reported that while his union buddies were voting for LBJ, Chuck openly campaigned for the Aryan Christian Party. Joe's emotional abandonment in his youth by his radical father and his crazy mother, had led him into a severe identity crisis during his teens. He especially struggled with his German heritage. Deep into identity crisis of his youth, trying to resolve his buried German Nazi ancestry with his American pie surroundings, he sought out strong male, neo-fascist figures to identify with and fill the void.
One of those early mentors was Frank Dietrich. Dietrich, who had known Joe's radical father, was a lascivious, secretive and controversial town recluse and pedophile, amateur plumber, writer of pro-Nazi screenplay musicals, and reputed to be also a member of the Ku Klux Klan. Dietrich taught the young Joe that being of German ancestry, and of pro-fascist leanings in the family, is not something to be ashamed of. Dietrich taught the young Joe that the American system was corrupt right down to its plumbing. Through Dietrich's subversive influence within the Pipefitters Local, they managed to send him off to a privileged position at the best trade school in eastern Ohio, where young Joe excelled and became top plumber's apprentice for residential work. With Joe's intelligence and amicable nature he inexorably floated to the top of the small, intense, and often smelly world of Ohioan plumbing.
On graduating from trade school, Joe, as a new journeyman, decided that he wanted to serve mankind by doing sewer work, even though this was not as highly paid as comercial work and was considered far beneath Joe's level of training. He was down in the trenches daily and soon became a community plumber recognized for his capacity to wade into some of the dirtiest, filthiest jobs humanly imaginable. Some of the sewer and toilet installers became interested in Joe's aptitude and energy, as a person who actually liked to get into sewers and such, although it is reported that some of Joe's sewer work when he was a volunteer community sewer installer was rather shoddy, and to this day rumors of drippings leak all over of Holland and other nearby towns. Joe's most important connection at this time was his meeting his future wife, Michaela Schnerfberger, who worked as a receptionist for a local toilet ceramic factory.
Another father figure he met at the time was Willhelm Air whose obscenely wealthy family owned a large plumbing outfit and were deeply involved in sewer systems. Air, in fact, was against all modern plumbing, and agitated for going back to ecological outhouses and natural forms of waste disposal of the 19th century. He admired the Soviet system, as well as the mid-20th century German system greatly. One day while in Moscow and was walking around trying to buy toilet paper. He saw a man walking with a roll and asked him, "Comrade, where did you get that roll of toilet paper? The man responded, "I just got it out of the dry cleaners." W. Air was greatly inspired by that and wanted to bring this radical pipe and disposal system to the U.S. It is rumored that he was so vehement that he even tried to destroy local plumbing installations in order to force the acceptance of Russian or German piping and ecological disposal in Ohio. But that was when the young Joe was only eight years old. It is difficult to tell how much Air's radical views of waste systems influenced the young impressionable Joe, but their friendship and association in multiple plumbing projects was extensive and the affiliation deep.
Another questionable father figure was Tommy Scheisschlo, a local, shadowy German-American financier of plumbing projects, one's that often resulted in vast rip-offs of poor widows, broken pipes, water damage, sewage contamination. Yet despite Reizcho's criminal record on plumbing intallations, Joe inexplicably remained close to him, even buying an expensive but underpriced utility truck from him that might have been stolen.
Joe's most contoversial relationship was with a local corrupt German-American plumber, Gerry Reiche III,(aka. "The Rev") a mystic, explosively erratic pro-German, whose company was famous for diagnosing problems falsely, charging exorbitant rates, favoring clients of German ancestry, and blaming clients when their shoddy work had problems. One time at a local barbershop, he was reported to shout, "Everyone in town owes us something!" Another time, in 2001, he laughed with glee and gloated when a major building's system backed up, screaming outside the disaster, "Gut damn you all, Gut damn you! It's all your schvault you schweinhunt!"
Despite these unsavory associations, Joe's reputation skyrocketed in the plumbing world and he finally decided to get his residential license. Although almost no evidence exist to show he worked on any single job with efficiency and expediency, his attractive personality caused him to get more jobs and more reknown, simply because he could convince people that he was a good plumber. Soon he ran for head of the local residential pipefiters union and won because of the influence and pay off money fro friends like Air, Scheisscho, Reiche and others. Yet, even in that position, there is no credible record of an accomplishment or betterment of the union. In fact, to this day, Holland Ohio plumbing services are broken down and there are people wading in cesspools of filth, sewage and despair in the very sites where Joe had worked.
Amazingly, despite that glaring record of plumbing failures, Joe is currently attempting to dominate the plumbing business in Ohio as he rides high on his corrupt connections in the Holland, Ohio plumbing world, and on his beguiling ability to give the impression of unflappable confidence. Apart from his own plumbing business, he is currently running as head of the local plumbers union, in a tight, ferocious campaign with an old, respectable, well-liked stalwart in the plumbing business of northern Ohio, Jack McPane, who wants to reform the rampant corruption in the Ohio plumbing business. Joe's campaign promises a vast change in the entire way the plumbing business is run in Ohio. While his proposals change every week, he has advocated for the equalization of bathroom facilities across the state. "Why should some people have a gold-ornamented bidet and others just a bucket of water on the back porch? Free outhouses for all Ohioans!" Another platform is that all Ohioan plumbers must return immediately from outside the state, even if they haven't yet finished their plumbing jobs.
It looks like Joe and his allies in the corrupt union are up to their old tricks though - enormous unexplained donations from outside the state, a flood of questionable names registered as supposed union members, a massive, overwhelming, vicious propaganda campaign that closely follows the past German media patterns of some of his distant relatives. Enormous posters with Joe's imposing face in red looks down in inumerable union halls across Ohio with the caption, "Big Joe Loves You," or the more ominously worded, "Change: Or Else!" His supporters have also threatened McPane supporters and promised violence if Joe doesn't win.
So, no more whitewashing of this racist. This persona polluting the landscape of the media stinks to high heaven. This election year, know your Joes. The real "Joe the Plumber," is not the fabled, mythological Joe of six-pack fame, nor much less, Joe Biden who hangs out at the local Home Depot trying to fix a faucet leak. No, no. This is not just some harmless Schmoe, as the right-wing media is desperately trying to portray him. He is more like Joe Goebbels, rather than Joe Cool (although it is reported that Joe does like Camels.) The Joe that I know through this investigation is not the Joe that the average Joe Blow knows, and he is definitely not my cup of Joe.