Atheists Cruelly Persecuted Across The Nation at Christmas

Here's a Lump of Lump in Your Little Religulous Reich Red Stocking

As if the extreme stress, the inhuman humiliation, and the violent hatred rationalist freethinkers (AKA atheists) suffer at this time of the year by cruel insensitive people blurting out, "Merry Christmas," or "Happy Holiday," or family members expecting presents wasn't enough. Last week, a small group of oppressed atheists in Washington state decided to lash back at their oppresors by excercisng their Constitutional right to joyfully express their belief in non-belief, and put up a sign at the Washington State Capitol Building last week expressing their faith in unfaith. But then, somebody with no Christmas spirit stole it and violently threw into a ditch! The atheists were emotionally crushed at seeing their Christmas sign so treated with disrespect, that now a new, more militant group has formed.

"This vicious act of intolerance by hateful fundie believers against believers of unbelief is the drop that finally broke the camel's back," begins the initial comunique of a new group of non-believing militants, Atheist Resistance to State Enforcement of Hate And Theology who has declared war, not just on Christmas, but on all religious imposition by the state and violations of the First Amendment. The spokesman for the militant group, Stanley Hircismus, 24, stated its objectives. "We are organizing at this moment to enforce the Constitution's 1st Amendment guarantee against the state establishing religions, by demanding that we get rid of every single reference to any sort non-material entities by any and all state entities."

"The obvious ones are the holidays - Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, MLK Day - they all must go. No longer must U.S. secular citizens have to put up with them, nor with bigotted, atheophobic jokes about not wanting to be an atheist because they have no holidays. Ha. Ha. Ha. Very funny. But guess what smart ass? Even the word "holiday" (Meaning "holy day,") must go." The group suggests that they will be called "vacation days," and we will hence take a holiday from all holidays.

The group is also vehemently protesting the calendar, starting with the days of the week. Hircismus clarified, "Some of our atheist brethren may object by claiming the days are named after a favorite topic of rational, scientific people - the physical bodies in space- yea, we love planets and stuff, especially the moons, but further scientific research reveals that the planets were really named after Roman, German, and Nordic gods! While we reserve very special disdain for Christianity," Hircismus continued while making a disdainful face, "even pagan deities should not be exempted. A good scientific atheistic way to name the days would be to simply number them. For example, 'Monday' then becomes, 'One.' Simple. Logical. Nobody gets offended."

Hircimus them mentioned another touchy area for secular humanists, freethinkers and rational people - the years. "Why do we have to have a year system based upon a man who was a myth because he supposedly did things that were mythological?" When I mentioned that courageous secular believers have managed to replace the AD-BC system with the more atheist-friendly 'CE' (common era,) Hircismus got visibly irritated. "But the whole damn...ooops, pardon my inadvertent reference to deity...thing stinks! No matter what you call it, it is still based and a mythological person that never existed and never could anyway! We demand the total ovehauling of the Gregorian calendar and that we start counting years with a non-religious figure perhaps." When asked who the group thought would best be fitted for marking a new calendar, Hircimus said, "Barack Obama, of course. He has brought science, hope and light to the world and will save us from our sins...I mean political and economic errors. We can start the new calendar, the new era with his inauguration on Jan.20 - which will become day 1 of month 1 of year 1. The previous time will just be called the Dark Ages and left at that."

Next, says the group, the days of the month are highly offensive and horrifically destructive of their Constitutional rights as believers in unbelief. "The first eight refer directly to old Roman deities, the last for are Latin names for "tenth" and so on. We say name them all according to their numbers. This is creative as well as easy to grasp. It takes atheistic minds set free from the shackles of belief to come up with such innovative thinking," Hircismus stated.

The group claims that many U.S. geographical locations oppress, insult, humiliate and deeply offend atheists such as - San Francisco. Hicismus became animated in our interview. "Can you imagine? The very seat of atheism in the U.S. and they dare name it after a saint?" Others places the group demands must immdiately be changed - Los Angeles, San Diego, Sacramento, Corpus Christi, St. Louis, San Antonio, Maryland, Virginia, St. Paul, ETC., ETC. Other suspicious ones like Phoenix, Atlanta, and Seattle should go too- better to be safe than sorry. Their spokesman added, "However, we have listed some new, approved, and exciting names that will not make atheists victims of state religion. They are Constitutionally-comliant, and honor some great non-religious people - Darwinburgh, Marxville, Leninton, Nietzscheland, Sartre City - there are many wonderful, non-offensive options!"

"The intolerance and fascist revoking of our Constitutional rights to not have religion shoved down our gullets cannot just stop there," the group's resistance comunique states, "As the Atheist Civil Liberties Union is litigating for this year, we demand an end to the Pledge of Allegiance for it's illegal refernce to deity. All swearing on Bibles - out! Out damned spot! "In God we Trust" - Oh no we don't! It must be immediately removed from all money. That religious crap on the Supreme Court building, and all national monuments must be immediately sandblasted into oblivion. Any institution receiving federal of state funds cannot ever, ever eve mention the vile word,"god" on its premises. And since we know Jefferson was really an atheist, we also know that the reference to deity in the Declaration of Independence was a later interpolation by devious Xians. It must be obliterated. The very document announcing our freedom deprives us of our freedom to be free of religion!Imagine!"

So, while you will not be getting any sappy "Merry Christmas," or "Season's Greetings," or absurdly laughable "Happy Holidays," out of either this group, or Bill Mahers, Chris Hitchens, Richard Dawkins, myself, as well as any other highly intelligent specimen of human existence, we will however, be willing to extend to you, our faithful readership, a heartfelt and totally secular...

,"Merry Fourth Quarter Events, and a Happy Fiscal New Year!!!!""

Would You Let Hitler Pray At Your Inauguration Ceremony?

Don't Let the Goofy Hawaiian Shirt Fool You!

One of the most incredibly outrageous and worrisome acts by a sitting Pres.-elect has just been announced today by Obama. We refer to the horrific and unfathomably wrong invitation by Pres.-elect of Saddleback Church pastor Rick Warren to give the opening prayer at his inauguration ceremony.

Although we tolerant progressives understand that he was elected to end the old politics of divisiveness and to unify the country, not based upon imaginary shared values or ideology, but rather based upon his amazing persona, even an extreme right-winger like Chris Hitchens agrees with the mighty uproar righteous indignation of the Progressive community on this one - Pres.-elect Obama has gone way too far on the inclusiveness bit. Rick Warren epitomizes the very heart of hatred, intolerance and evil.

Dr. Julian Bond, chair of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, declared recently in a speech that gay marriage a civil rights issue, just like rights for blacks. “African Americans, were the only Americans who were enslaved for two centuries, but we were far from the only Americans suffering discrimination then and now,” Bond said. “Sexual disposition parallels race. I was born this way. I have no choice. I wouldn’t change it if I could. Sexuality is unchangeable.”

Since denying gays marriage is like racism, logically, what Warren does is far worse it defies the mind! Even the Grand Dragon of the KKK would not be so hateful as to deny blacks the right to marry each other, would they? No! Not even Hitler would have even thought of denying Jews the right to marry each other, would he? He wouldn't have dreamed of it! But what Rick Warren and other evangelicals or orthodox believers do is so much more bigotted, discriminatory and inhumane than even the KKK or the Nazis!

But what has the progressive forces of tolerance and understanding in violent uproar is that the harbinger and torch-bearer of hope and change dares to invite him to...pray at his inauguration! My shock and dismay stuns me into utter silence...well, almost. Do not let the Hawaiian shirts and deceivingly open friendly look of this man delude you. If some being named Satan actually existed, and we know he doesn't, then Warren would be the embodiment of this supposed Beezlebub. If evil really existed, and of course it doesn't, then Rick Warren and Christians like him would be the very embodiment of evil and everything that is wrong with the planet. There is a limit to the tolerance of we tolerant progressives, and that limit has to be when the intolerance towards tolerance reaches intolerable levels of intolerance, then we must stand up and not tolerate the vile hateful intolerance of those who cloak their intolerance in the vocabulary of tolerance.

Is Rep. Barney Frank…^gulp^… god?

Or is the Anti-Christ a Gay?

As a Progressive militant since my 60’s youth, I have prayed to the gods of revolutionary class struggle for the ultimate demise of capitalism. Although I am a religiously fervent atheist, one must truly bow down and worship at the feet of this man, Rep. Barney Frank (D-MA). He must either be a secret a six-degree level master of something, or a supreme avatar of a higher civilization sent to mercifully rescue us from slavery of capitalism, as well as from the evil Christo-fascists and right-wing Americanists. Whoever he is, whatever planet he hails from, there seems to be a devilish super-intelligent mind working in and through him. The Force, even the dark side, is surely with him. Here is why.

Rep. Frank (D-MA) has a long-term concern for the poor and disenfranchised, and commitment to provide housing, and job opportunities, especially if they are poor, hot, young, disenfranchised males with ads in the back of Gay publications. As the minority, and now the majority chairman of the House Ways and Means committee, Barney and friends are largely responsible for the establishment of the policies that introduced government-sponsored and protected loans, forcing evil, greedy capitalist banks to give loans to oppressed minorities and disenfranchised home buyers, subverting the cruel free market in a glorious, humane way. By “friends,” I especially refer to another hot, young, gay male, this time Herb Moses, who not only had a key position at Fannie Mae (no homophobic pun intended), as well as a key interest in assuring that risky, non-solvent loans continued to be forced upon loan institutions and protected by interventionist policies, but he shared various positions, many times, with the Rep. Frank...in his bed...for several years...during the heat of the build-up of the crisis. No conflict of interest was involved, both men assert. “This is just about hot, steamy gay sex, that's all,” Frank assured his concerned but very, very, very tolerant constituents, not to speak of few pathetic homophobic Republican watchdogs. Many have focused on the policies that Rep. Frank promoted and protected as the chief cause of the current financial meltdown that our glorious comrades at the Washington Post signaled as “the end of capitalism.”

But here is where the sheer fabulous genius of the modern Progressive political discourse, as well as our MSM agents, and a true maestro like Barney Frank really starts to shine. When Republicans sensed the danger to their little oppressive free market system and sought to reform it, Rep. Frank violently opposed them and repeatedly blocked the efforts to regulate Fannie Mae, opting to not only protect Fannie Mae, but his own fanny, not to speak of that other fanny he knew so well seated at a desk in the higher echelons of Fannie Mae. He had the amazing braggadacio to say in Sept. of 2003, "'These two entities -- Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac -- are not facing any kind of financial crisis. The more people exaggerate these problems, the more pressure there is on these companies, the less we will see in terms of affordable housing.'' Yet, amazingly, he did not stop there. With the temerity of audacity, Frank turns and, blames capitalism and racism! Yes! It's true! The one who put the knife into the heart of the capitalist beast, blames the punctured, hemorrhaging heart for the death of the patient, rather than the knife and its wielder! Has there ever been such a Hannibal Lecter, some one so deliciously wicked, with a plan so brilliantly, deviously devised to subvert the powers of the bourgeoisie than this? Marx is obsolete! Yes! We do not need violent, bloody revolutions. We need more Barney Franks!

America, a new world is here! Capitalism is dead. The workers paradise, the classless society is starting. There is simply something ethereally orgasmic about watching the previous kingpins of our capitalist system lining up, quivering and cowering to see Reps. Barney Frank and Nancy Pelosi, as if they were two glorious dominatrixes all dressed in studded leather, fearful whips in hand, sitting imperiously upon their regal dais, looking down scornfully upon the once-great captains of American industry and finance, who now grovel with their pitiful, beaten, hang-dog looks, tremulously shaking their awful, pathetic, little, tin cups. Has there ever been something so delectibly ironic? I must wipe away my tears.

Just as heterosexuality is now seen as oppressive and passé, so is earth-killing capitalism. While gayness is today celebrated as a beautiful, earth-friendly, alternative lifestyle, so socialism is now seen as an alternative economic theory. Change! Americans, you voted for Change. Who would have thought that a guy named "Barney" with a pnchant for young male fannies would have been the agent. It only could be if he were the Anti-Christ himself.

Old, capitalist, bellicose, arrogant America - "Man up!" New, socialist, progressive, world-friendly America - "Fanny up!"

Foul Winds Invade Our Capitol - American Voters!

Sen. Reid Airs Concerns

Like a breath of fresh air, Senate majority leader Sen. Reid (D-Nev.), yesterday, in his famously quiet but deadly spot-on way, expressed what many legislators on Capitol Hill secretly think and comment amongst themsleves- that Americans truly are disgusting, smelly, vile, gas-passing creatures who they wish would just go away so they can pass laws in peace and quiet in their air-conditioned back rooms and Congressional chambers. In his remarks before a stuporous, benighted, nervously giggling audience, Sen. Reid complained about voters visiting the Capitol building because "in the summer because of the heat and high humidity, you could literally smell the tourists coming into the Capitol. It may be descriptive but it’s true.”

The Senator from the land of legalized prostitution and gambling, always with a sensitive nose for things that harm Americans' public image and quality of life, has been previously noted for letting fly torpedoes of controversy by saying we lost the war in Iraq while our soldiers were engaged in battle, that the surge was a failure, our battlefield commander a liar, and the President "a loser," that the coal and fossil fuel industries are killing Americans, and we need higher prices on energy to force Americans into more austere lifestyles and into alternative resources.

When asked for a clarification of his comments, Sen. Reid's pungeant poignancy was sharply evident, "American voters have consistently given my Congress and leadership single digit approval ratings. The unwashed masses and their flyover, middle class values and ignorant dependency on an old America that doesn't exist constistently interferes with our ability to remake and reshape America into the country it needs to become."

While some, like right-wingnut comedian, Dennis Miller, might arrogantly suggest that the horrific odors Reid perceives wafting into his plush Congressional lunch room is not from the summer crowds of sweaty, patriotic American tourists getting herded through the building, rather from the upper lip of his "ashen piehole," that "haltingly forces out that tremulous pale-grey oratory that sounds like it's oozing from a stuck caulking gun," this is really just another example of the right's rhetoric of hatred, as well as disrespect for our duly elected leaders. Off-air, Miller later clarified, "The smell really comes from where his head is so firmly planted. Hey, that might be descriptive, but it's true."

We deeply thank the good people of Nevada (like the one to the right,) for their humilty in continuously electing a leader and representative that understands their abject unworthiness, and who honestly warns them of the stench of their clamoring for balanced budgets, integrity in office, and non-partisan fairness. The presence of Sen. Reid on Capitol Hill, assures that they will continue to have some one that will work tirelessly for them, spending unfathomable amounts of money on amazing and wonderful programs, but only as long as they keep a safe distance.

And he won't even sweat while doing it.

Let's Talk Some Serious Turkey

Stop The Terrorism!!!

I realize that many of your heartless stomachs and intestines are at this very moment criminally involved with using gastric juices in an attempt to erase the incriminating evidence by dissolving masticated chunks of this magnificent avian for bodily use. Others are just trying to assimilate the recent events going on in India. I know this will be hard to digest, but for progressive people, there is an even more severe terrorism than that in India that is going on right under our noses - Thanksgiving. It must stop! There are so many things about this bird-brained holiday that really sticks in my gizzard and just makes me want to hurl whirrled peas!

First, this is genocide. The heartless incarceration, mistreatment, wholesale trafficking and cruel slaughter of these innocent birds is a crime against humanity. WTF? - you say? Carl Sagan and many scientists have documented the interelatedness of all animals including humans. The shocking evidence in the photos above incontrovertibly prove the point. Sagan documents how human behavior is really just the result of past animal behavior codified and programmed into the genes. We can all certainly see that and so it needs no further explanation. In many ways the slaughter on Thanksgiving can be likened to the greatest exhibition of mass cannibalism in human history. The terrorism must stop now!

Second, this is an insult and a foreign diplomacy gaff of gargantuan proportions. Just when we need to make friends with Muslim nations and desist in insulting them and hence provoking them into a maelstrom of nuclear nightmare that the human race might not survive, we need to respect them, as well as Islam, and not call their countries insulting names. It is terrorism against Muslims! We must immediately move Congress to change the name of the bird to something more politically correct, like "George W. Bush."

Thirdly, the entire shameful Thansgiving affair is a severe breach between the Great Impenetrable Wall between church and state, and a gross affront to the Constitution. It is criminally offensive to have this atrocious violation of church and state, when to think that it has taken enough secular lawyers and legislators to populate a snmall European country, as well as many years to carefully plan, construct and maintain this wall, not to speak of the gazillions spent in litigation to defend our right to not have even the slightest suggestion of deity ever appear before our highly educated, and refined secularist sensibilities in the public square. The public square belongs to all, but especially to us atheists. Get use to it. It's the Constitution, baby.

This holiday along with many others, simply needs to be brought into compliance with the Constitution, which although is severely flawed, nevertheless in this case it needs to be upheld, by abolishing all these Christianist holidays. See how infiltrated we are with theocratic violations of our rights? Even the word "holiday" needs to be abolished, for it implies something divine, which insults and offends every atheist and tramples upon their rights every time the word is used. After that we can rename all the days of the week which also deeply offends every atheist and mercilessly crushes their rights to never hear any word even remotely associated with divinity while they live in America. For we people of unfaith, people who believe in ghosts and omnipotent, omnipresent spirits are frightening, scary, and horrifying. It is intolerant and hateful to force us to even think bout it. It is terrorism and must stop now.

Besides, what's to be thankful about? We are the most racist, imperialist, violent, dangerous terrorist nation ever to have existed in human history. The U.S is no longer what it could be and I don't want my children growing up in that. Of course, I am an unapologetic and proud egosexual to whom just the thought of procreating another foul human being to inhabit this suffering planet with their accompanying imperialisic hegemony against the other weaker species and animal denizens, just makes me want to choke a turkey. But even if I were thankful for something, who would I thank? I am an atheist! It would be embarrassing, humiliating, confusing. The whole thing just causes terrible, unimaginable anguish and stress for we atheists. It is emotional terrorism!

So yesterday, as I sat in my house all alone eating faux turkey sandwiches, I thought warmly about Ben Franklin, who, instead of the warlike, harsh, scary bald eagle, originally wanted to designate the turkey as the national bird. Since Change has now come finally to America, I think this change would be a symbolic gesture of honor to the new Change, the new leadership, the new image we have as Americans.

On Turkey Day, we think of and honor all the innocent avians who were cruelly imprisoned and heartlessly butchered for the delight of imperialist Americans, thoughtless Christianists, and carbon-wasting carnivores. We weep with all those turkeys wo suffered. We stand in solidarity with them. On this day, we all are turkeys!

Al-Qaida No. 2 Softens Image, Tries SNL Approach

Zawahri Reportedly Negotiating For News Anchor Job on MSNBC or as Possible Stand-In for Stephen Colbert

Ayam al-Zawahri, Al-Qaeda's No. 2 man, this week sent a message that left many wondering whether a change is happening inside Al Qaeda. In the message, al-Zawahri said, "America has put on a new face, but its heart full of hate, mind drowning in greed and spirit which spreads evil, murder, repression and despotism continue to be the same as always." He then used a slur, calling Pres.-elect Obama, as well as Colin Powell and Condi Rice, "house negroes," a term used by Obama hero, Malcolm X, whose footage was interspersed throughout the unique, cryptic ramblings, meant to refer to a black who was complacently serving his white masters.

The Lumps staff, with our expert panel on Islamic religion and Arabic, has determined that the entire monologue is, in effect, a crude, yet subtle attempt at self-parody, and is more like an imitation of a David Letterman routine than your typical Islamic jihadi mullah rant extolling the glories of genocide. It seems Al Qaeda leadership have shifted their publicity campaign to brilliantly following the old Confucian axiom - "You can catch flies with honey, not with vinegar." Speculation is that Al Qaeda, sensing a paradigm shift in the American political landscape, has accordingly shifted its approach at winning the hearts and minds of Americans. Moving away from using such previous tactics as terrorism, beheadings, insults and mass murder, to convince Americans and westerners to submit to Allah, they are now using self-deprecating humor. Furthermore, we have received direct information that ex- SoCal native, couch potato, and metal rocker turned Al Qaeda terrorist, Adam Gadahn, is advising bin Laden and Ayam on American culture and the use of snarky humor to influence and promote the Al Qaeda agenda to the American public. The change signals a more pragmatic approach to jihad, mercifully hoping that 300 million Americans will be convinced to willingly submit to Allah, instead of having to be evaporated in a nuclear holocaust, which would be a tragic financial loss considering the zizziya tax required by the Quran on subjugated kaffirs.

Evidence shows that Osama bin Laden's trend towards a more humanized, even Americanized approach to jihad has perhaps been developing for more time than most western experts had previously suspected. Recently, Kola Boof, 37, the Sudanese poet and novelist who claims to have once been bin Laden's sex slave, writes in her autobiography, Diary of a Lost Girl, which is excerpted in the September Harper's: "He told me Whitney Houston was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen." Boof - who wrote for the soap opera "The Days of Our Lives" until she was axed last month - continues, "He said that he had a paramount desire for [Houston] and although he claimed music was evil, he spoke of someday spending vast amounts of money to go to America and try to arrange a meeting." So in other words, it seems in contrast to Zawahri's attempt at winning the American public through satire and wit, bin Laden's strategy is even more well-known to the US public - bedding a famous celebrity and then getting a fawning interview on the View or The National Enquirer, and perhaps a good seat at the Oscars or Grammies.

While we on the Left have always vehemently asserted that the supposed danger of Al Qaeda has been wildly exagerrated by the Rovian neo-con conspiratorialists in Washington DC, and that some of Al Qaeda's arguments are actually quite well-reasoned and worth considering, this welcome news of a newer humane and comedic jihadi approach is confirmation of our previous perceptions - that these jihadists are not the dangerous, insane, fanatically violent threats to humanity as the neocon Bushies have made them out to be. They are much like we are.

As for us at Lumps from the Left, we say, "Yo, you rock Ayam!" Give us more!

Obama: "Let's Spread the Brains Around a Little Bit Too"

Doh! Dumbness Is Not So Dumb After All!

The Right-wing blogosphere is currently working itself up into a frothing freak-out of foam-flecked fanaticism over the videos of Obama supporters who cannot say who runs Congress, or why the economy is so bad, or what the Constitution is, but know everything about the MySpace pictures of Gov. Palin's daughter. They further have thrown dirt in the air over reports that Harvard seniors scored an average of 69% (D-) on a basic high school history-economics-civics exam, with everyone else scoring far below. Being the consituency that voted for Obama by 70%, in the convoluted right-wing mindset, they are saying that Obama voters are...ummmm... dumb. They claim that a subservient, manipulated and manipulative Mainstream Media pushed for Obama's election, and criminally refused to report the truth. These troglodytes furthermore make the ridiculous claim that, considering the astounding ignorance of so many voters, especially young ones, that the 2008 election was nothing more than the brainwashing of an ignorant, half-witted, slavish populace by a cynical, agenda-driven Media and their slick, inspid media campaign. Well, they are crazy idiots! Nothing could be farther or closer to the truth at the same time! Huh? Let me explain it to you one-brain-celled creatures who have difficulty assimilating complex, subtle and multi-level concepts.

"Democracy is equality," said one founder of the modern progressive state. Progressive people think about the whole planet not just nationalistically. In the past, America has had one of the highest literacy and education levels in the world. This has given us an unfair advantage in the world, fomenting our dominance, oppresion and hegemony over Third world peoples that made "chickens come home to roost." As Pres.-elect Obama desires to bring social justice and equality through wealth redistribution - the taking away of wealth from those that have more and giving it to those that don't - equally so, the progressive education agenda is as equally desirous of another redistribution plan for social justice - brains redistribution. Equality!

The Change towards world peace and harmonic synergy we are implementing, and have been for a long time, is primarily designed to come about through equalization through education. Do you really think Bill Ayers' deer-in-the-headlight-benighted-rumpled-professor-look is real? You are the deer, you precious little dumb dear. Educators like Ayers and myself get gajillions of US tax money and grants in order to reeducate your children, at once dumbing them down and creating complacent planetery citizens. Do you think it was for nothing that good old Joe (not that Joe!) said, "“Education is a weapon whose effects depend on who holds it in his hands and at whom it is aimed"? We have subtley introduced post-modernism, Hegelian dialectic gradualism into the schools which, while it has been shown to stop all rational thinking, is a wonderful equalizer in the sense it allows us to reprogram the minds of the young. Old divisive, anti-Change thinking based on stuff like history, economics, civics, logic has been replaced with a sense of planetary consciousness, feelings of belonging, and rejection of old Christian values. Change!

Ok. I realize I just flew over the heads of most of you muddle-headed middle-American simpletons. Facts don't matter anymore! Get it? Education today transcends just learning stuff. It means creating a compliant planetary citizenry who are all equal to the rest even if the rest are fairly uneducated. "Educated" doesn't mean educated in the way it used to mean. Actually, not being so educated is really smarter! Dumbing down America is bringing about world peace and equality. Dumb = smart. Got it?

Do you think that's stupid, Mr. Rightwinger-sore-loser? Well look where you are, compared to where we are. Gosh, you are dumb! Like, Doh!

The Traitor Not Expelled or Executed

Amazing Grace Shown From the Merciful One; Lieberman Given Chance To Repent, Reform and Be Humble

Against the uproar of many Party militants, Pres.-elect Obama continues to show the great magnaminity of a historic, glorious great world-class statesman by pardoning the foul unrepentant terrorist, Joe Liebermann, of acts against the Party, the State, and against humanity in general, by his support of the subversive and dangerous McCain-Palin ticket. When asked about his vile, evil support of violent Anti-Progressive movements, Lieberman was defiant, "I don't regret setting off this political bomb by supporting my friend, Sen. McCain. I feel I didn't do enough."

Obama issued this statement to Party leaders: "I condemn Joe Lieberman's participation with violent, anti-Change elements and radical groups like the Republican Party. But his support for Israel started when I was only eight. Look, any attempt to connect me with that is ridiculous. Although Sen. Joe Lieberman has more recently trampled upon our most sacred symbol - the donkey - as well as showing support for the terrorist nations of the United States of America and Israel, we believe that he can be fully rehabilitated, and we will continue to work with and let him eat with us at our table in the Senate cafeteria. We are a Big Tent Party, even if Joe is in the latrine outside the tent."

Other Party advocates were not so positive about Obama's benign and tolerant attitude towards Sen. Lieberman. "Change is not a f-----n dinner party, not an essay, nor a painting, nor a piece of embroidery; it cannot be advanced softly, gradually, carefully, considerately, respectfully, politely, plainly and modestly," said Rev. Jesse Jackson. "If I were Obama, I would cut his sanctimonious, Zionist balls off."

McCain Weeps, Loves Obama

McCain Says He Sees Obama Now as his "Big Brother"

Aides and press were stunned as ex-candidate and foe Sen. John McCain inadvertently collapsed into Pres.-elect Barack Obama's arms in their historic meeting at Obama's Chicago transition headquarters today. The light chat designed to "bury the hatchet" and discuss issues such as climate change, the economy, and whether Penn State deserves to go to the Rose Bowl, took an unexpected turn when McCain grew strangely silent as an awkward silence came over the room.

Tears welling up in his eyes, McCain could barely choke out the words," You know, Barry, my friend, all...those awful things I said, you know....about being a socialist....about associating with terrorists, scumbags and race-mongering preachers....I am so sorry! I didn't mean it! Oh gawd!" McCain suddenly reached across the table and clutched Pres.-elect Obama and the two men just sat there holding each other, muffled sobs occasionally erupting from McCain, whose face was deeply buried into the moistened shoulder of the blue suit Obama had worn.

The Press were then asked to leave so as to allow some moments of privacy between the two men. After 30 minutes alone together, McCain left quickly , beaming in an unusual way that has been uncharacteristic of him in most of his public life. McCain associate and friend, Sen. Lindsey Graham of South Carolina, read a written statement given to him by the senator from Arizona before he left in a flood of emotion:

"My friends, in todays' meeting with the President-elect Obama, I was overcome with an overwhelming sense of the greatness of this man. As I gazed up at his compassionate face in that meeting, I saw that it had taken me the two years of this campaign to learn what kind of smile was hidden beneath the dark look. O cruel, needless misunderstanding! O stubborn, self-willed exile from the loving breast! I wept today in unabashed joy at simply being in his presence. But it is all right, everything is all right, the struggle is finished. I have won the victory over myself. I love Obama."

Spontaneous and exuberant applause then broke out amongst the reporters gathered at the Obama headquarters. Some were unapologetically weeping too.

Sen. Graham finished reading the statement by McCain: "My friends, I'll do whatever he says to do. I'll collect paper cups off the ground to make his pathway clear."

We Demand Same-Sex Marriage! And Same-Person Marriage Too!

Egosexuals Arise! Take Your Rightful Place At The Teeming Smorgasborg of Diversity!

As representatives of tolerance for everyone, we heartily join with the shouts of outrage, the violent protests, the calls for church-burnings, and the plans for insurrection and resistance now taking place in California in justified reaction to the passing of the hate-filled Proposition 8. While some call for the burnings of all churches. I am a moderate here. I call only for the burnings of those that supported the measure.

To show how horrible all civility and all decency is deteriorating in California, today, a frightening fascist granny brutally attacked an entire group of several hundred peacefully protesting gays and lesbians, who then were forced to overwhelm her to protect themselves. What are we coming to? By "we" (those offended at Prop 8 and the horrid cross-wielding grannies) I mean not just the editorial board of "Lumps For The Left," but the World Association for Narcisstic Kindness, Empathy and Rights. (www.WANKER.com and www.ILOVEME.org)

Yes, I am a sexual minority too struggling for our rights - the rights of egosexuals. Yes, I am one, proudly and defiantly! Earlier in my own life, I tried to conform with society. I went with a few girls in High school, but they were too complicated, costly and troublesome for me. Then I went along with the gay-is-cool-craze of the 80's, but after 164 encounters, I decided it was too tiresome and risky. I was miserable. Then one day, while looking at myself in the rear view mirror while stuck in traffic, a Whitney Houston song came on the radio :

"I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all."

Tears streamed down my face as I realized I loved myself and that was all I needed! It was OK. I didn't have to believe all the hatred and religious bigotry stuff about selfishness being bad. I cast aside the shackles of hatred and bigotry and open declared myself a proud egosexual. And it was good.

Once disparaged by religious bigots as 'onanism," we egosexuals are finally coming out of the closet. Scientific studies show tha we consist of about 10% of the population, and are growing. Many famous people in history from Greek civilization to many of today's celebrities are egosexuals. Many creative people, like Madonna, Al Gore, George Clooney, and Sean Penn are open egosexuals. Studies also show that we were born that way. Psychologists have dropped their previous definition of egosexuality as an illness, as more studies show that it is healthy behavior. Egosexualism occurs naturally in nature, as you can observe in much animal behavior, like dogs.

We demand our rights along with gays and lesbians and every other love orienation. We will no longer tolerate the use of derogotory hate terminology like "wanker," tosser," or, like the evil Palin said about her detractors recently, "jerks." We want sympathetic characters on TV shows and in movies. We want equal opportunity and equal pay. We want to see an egosexual President some day. And we demand equal rights for marrying. As old archaic, religious-imposed definitions for marriage like man-woman, are being tossed onto the ash heap of history, we also demand that other outdated definitions be tossed out. Where does the Constitution say that marriage cannot be same-sex? Where does it say it cannot be same-person?

Onanists arise! We are here! We are weird! We are here to stay!

Pres.-Elect Obama Moves With Dogged Determination to Fix Things

Our Crack reporters Have a Leg Up on The Selection Process!

Pres.-elect Barack Obama wasted no time today in moving to heal the world as he moves into the transition period, by making speeches about the economy that is rapidly turning into the worst economic disaster in human history. Although he is showing amazingly wise restraint in choosing a Secretary of the Treasury that will bolster confidence in the imploding stock market, he did boldly and eloquently promise to "fix the economy" and "help working people" with words that left millions of people sighing with relief.

Meanwhile, his newly appointed Chief of Staff, famed pit bull, Rep. Rahm Emanuel, hired to help Obama fix things, is working on another vital decision and the first of his new appointment - what kind of dog should Obama get for his two daughters, as he promised in his victory speech. In a press conference with Rep. Rahm, he said, "Our first order of business is to get rid of that vicious, horrid, evil creature in the White House who has brought such pain on all of us - Barney the Scottish Terrier. He actually bit one of our reporters! Sore losers! Change has come and we will change the White House Dog first thing. This decision will not only bring much joy to the Obama household, but we want it to reflect the Change and Hope that the world is looking to us to bring. Certain breeds, to be honest, will not adequately reflect what we want to say to America and the world in this time of crisis.

"Right off the bat, we will not be having any of those awful Terrier breeds in the White House. We have had eight years of terror from this Terrier and we do not want more of the same.

On the other hand, the English Sheepdog is a magnificent species. Nevertheless, the oppression and mistreatment of sheep at the hands of some sheepdogs can be taken as our endorsement of this behavior. No.

"We have considered, the Boxer which is a good dog, but we believe it will send the wrong message as it speaks of bellicosity and aggresion. Can't do.

"Chihuahua. Not politically correct for our Mexican constituency, and the smallness and yappiness is not conducive to the image we want to project about Change.

"Retrievers or Hounds, perhaps? Unfortunately some people think in terms of 'guilt by association,' and these dogs are used too much for hunting, which is associated with bitter people. Sadly, no.

"Beagle or Collie?? Nah. Way too American kitsch, flyoverish, bourgeoisie and middle class. Ick. The Europeans would laugh at our lack of sophistication.

"German shepherd, Weimeraner or Doberman? No can do. Too much baggage.

"Poodle!? Voila! Beautiful! Divine! Fantastique! But,...no.. the droll Conservatives would complain how we're Euro-elitists.

"An Afghan?...hmmmm, interesting.... elegant and suave like Obama, but no, it might offend the Muslims.

"The Saint Bernard...Hmmm. The compassion for the needy looks good here, but, no way, too Christian. We are in the post-Christian era now. Might offend Muslims... and atheists. "

"The Great Dane...Very nice and regal, reflecting on Barack's poise and authority, but it might be misinterpreted as offensive to Muslims, as the Danes have wrongly supported Iraq and printed those cartoons offending Islam."

"Perhaps a Dachshund?...Great dog, but then the kids will call it a "hot dog." You know... Pork. Muslims. Offended. Nope.

Alaskan Huskie? Nooooo!!! Aaaaagh! Crap! Spit! *cough*! No friggin' way!! Alaska? What's that? Never heard of it!"

"All these traditional breeds are fine, but we want our administration to speak of fresh change, or a new direction for America, where we will all come together and work to see a better America. We are considering a dog that will help us convey the message of unity and Change. Therefore we are going with a mixed breed dog to be compassionately chosen from an animal shelter, to show how the Obama administration will benefit everyone."

After staff members returned from the dog shelter, a photo of the new dog that will represent the Hope and Change to the world that the Obama era will represent, was surreptitiously leaked to the press, and we obtained one of the first pictures of it.

We Are The Change We Needed! Or, As Steve Erkel Would Say, "Did We Do That?" Yes We Did! Why? Because we Could!

We Are Transmorgriphying Into Something That We Don't Know Yet

He is a "transitional figure" as Colin Powell described him, and we are too! "I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together." Coo coo kachoo! (I am getting all giddy again.) I even waxed poetic in celebration:

Camelot.
Woodstock.
Shangri-La.
Ladi-da.
Aquarius.
Hope and Change.
It's here dudes!

We are transitioning from a hurt people to a healed people. We were a people who were hopelessly racist especially those that deny they are. Obama has healed our racism., even if you don't know he has. We were the most evil empire in the world. Obama will heal the world from all the hurts we caused. We are a greedy, evil, materialistic nation of capitalist running dogs, but Obama will heal us from all that attachment to stuff and 401ks, and our ridiculous attempts to become robber barons with our small businesses. He has come!

Here is what we are transitioning from: We were a Judeo-Christian nation. Nope! No longer. We are a whatever nation now, but mostly secular. We were a nation that believed in absolute values. We are all relativists now and free from the old stodgey, right-wrong mindset. We were a nation that believed that freedom gave men the opporunity to produce and create opporunities for others. Balderdash! We all know that government control and hand outs is the answer to the economy.

I personally want to thank some of the other transitional agents in this evolutionary process of Change. I thank the press, for not giving in to old models of reporting, like reporting both sides and not getting personally involved with your own preferences. They boldly sacrificed that Mencken-like protocol and, risking their very reputation and professional integrity, boldly announced that they were fighting for the change. I especially appreciate the way they utterly trashed that evil Alaskan whose name I cannot say without having a breakdown for the way she dared attack our leader at that speech. She will never be forgiven for that and lawyers are working on ways to bring her down now.

I also want to thank all those Christians who finally aborted their foul obsession, not to speak of that silly old book, but also over those nasty little globs of tissue in the womb, and decided that Hope and Change is better for the world than more disgusting humans leaving their carbon footprints all over the place and destroying Mother Earth. Maybe some Christians can be integrated into the new world order without having to eliminate them. So although you still have a ways to go before you are truly a progressive and enlightened person, you are still a surprising and welcome part of the Change we need and got, so I am sure you'll soon give up the rest of that vile crap you believe in.

The Startling Expose: Who Is Joe "The Plumber?"

News Flash! He's Not All He's Cracked Up To Be!

Joe "the Plumber" is now on the lips of every person in the U.S. and on every TV screen around the world. The Major news networks despite having camped on his lawn incessantly, gone through his garbage, and checked out his dirty laundry have miserably failed in their civic duties, not coming up with anything truly damaging.

So, who is this mystery person that has sprung up like a sewer leak out of the anonymity of the banal bourgeoisie masses into the highest promontory of plumbing prominence and power? I have been doing an exhaustive investigation to flush out the real "Joe the Plumber," and with multiple sources have threaded together an incomplete, yet stunning, disturbing picture of the man whose image is flooding America. With my dedicated staff, we have exposed the cracks in the persona of "Joe the Plumber." And it doesn't smell pretty.

Joe Wurzelbacher's childhood is a complicated enigma of troubling curiosities. While his birth certificate is still mysteriously lost due to circumstances the family will not reveal, he is reputed to have been born in the village of Scheissdorf in northern Ohio. One of the earlier and disturbing trends in the formation of Joe was the influence of his father, Chuck, who was quite a maverick of sorts, especially for those days. During the 60's it is shockingly reported that while his union buddies were voting for LBJ, Chuck openly campaigned for the Aryan Christian Party. Joe's emotional abandonment in his youth by his radical father and his crazy mother, had led him into a severe identity crisis during his teens. He especially struggled with his German heritage. Deep into identity crisis of his youth, trying to resolve his buried German Nazi ancestry with his American pie surroundings, he sought out strong male, neo-fascist figures to identify with and fill the void.

One of those early mentors was Frank Dietrich. Dietrich, who had known Joe's radical father, was a lascivious, secretive and controversial town recluse and pedophile, amateur plumber, writer of pro-Nazi screenplay musicals, and reputed to be also a member of the Ku Klux Klan. Dietrich taught the young Joe that being of German ancestry, and of pro-fascist leanings in the family, is not something to be ashamed of. Dietrich taught the young Joe that the American system was corrupt right down to its plumbing. Through Dietrich's subversive influence within the Pipefitters Local, they managed to send him off to a privileged position at the best trade school in eastern Ohio, where young Joe excelled and became top plumber's apprentice for residential work. With Joe's intelligence and amicable nature he inexorably floated to the top of the small, intense, and often smelly world of Ohioan plumbing.

On graduating from trade school, Joe, as a new journeyman, decided that he wanted to serve mankind by doing sewer work, even though this was not as highly paid as comercial work and was considered far beneath Joe's level of training. He was down in the trenches daily and soon became a community plumber recognized for his capacity to wade into some of the dirtiest, filthiest jobs humanly imaginable. Some of the sewer and toilet installers became interested in Joe's aptitude and energy, as a person who actually liked to get into sewers and such, although it is reported that some of Joe's sewer work when he was a volunteer community sewer installer was rather shoddy, and to this day rumors of drippings leak all over of Holland and other nearby towns. Joe's most important connection at this time was his meeting his future wife, Michaela Schnerfberger, who worked as a receptionist for a local toilet ceramic factory.

Another father figure he met at the time was Willhelm Air whose obscenely wealthy family owned a large plumbing outfit and were deeply involved in sewer systems. Air, in fact, was against all modern plumbing, and agitated for going back to ecological outhouses and natural forms of waste disposal of the 19th century. He admired the Soviet system, as well as the mid-20th century German system greatly. One day while in Moscow and was walking around trying to buy toilet paper. He saw a man walking with a roll and asked him, "Comrade, where did you get that roll of toilet paper? The man responded, "I just got it out of the dry cleaners." W. Air was greatly inspired by that and wanted to bring this radical pipe and disposal system to the U.S. It is rumored that he was so vehement that he even tried to destroy local plumbing installations in order to force the acceptance of Russian or German piping and ecological disposal in Ohio. But that was when the young Joe was only eight years old. It is difficult to tell how much Air's radical views of waste systems influenced the young impressionable Joe, but their friendship and association in multiple plumbing projects was extensive and the affiliation deep.

Another questionable father figure was Tommy Scheisschlo, a local, shadowy German-American financier of plumbing projects, one's that often resulted in vast rip-offs of poor widows, broken pipes, water damage, sewage contamination. Yet despite Reizcho's criminal record on plumbing intallations, Joe inexplicably remained close to him, even buying an expensive but underpriced utility truck from him that might have been stolen.

Joe's most contoversial relationship was with a local corrupt German-American plumber, Gerry Reiche III,(aka. "The Rev") a mystic, explosively erratic pro-German, whose company was famous for diagnosing problems falsely, charging exorbitant rates, favoring clients of German ancestry, and blaming clients when their shoddy work had problems. One time at a local barbershop, he was reported to shout, "Everyone in town owes us something!" Another time, in 2001, he laughed with glee and gloated when a major building's system backed up, screaming outside the disaster, "Gut damn you all, Gut damn you! It's all your schvault you schweinhunt!"

Despite these unsavory associations, Joe's reputation skyrocketed in the plumbing world and he finally decided to get his residential license. Although almost no evidence exist to show he worked on any single job with efficiency and expediency, his attractive personality caused him to get more jobs and more reknown, simply because he could convince people that he was a good plumber. Soon he ran for head of the local residential pipefiters union and won because of the influence and pay off money fro friends like Air, Scheisscho, Reiche and others. Yet, even in that position, there is no credible record of an accomplishment or betterment of the union. In fact, to this day, Holland Ohio plumbing services are broken down and there are people wading in cesspools of filth, sewage and despair in the very sites where Joe had worked.

Amazingly, despite that glaring record of plumbing failures, Joe is currently attempting to dominate the plumbing business in Ohio as he rides high on his corrupt connections in the Holland, Ohio plumbing world, and on his beguiling ability to give the impression of unflappable confidence. Apart from his own plumbing business, he is currently running as head of the local plumbers union, in a tight, ferocious campaign with an old, respectable, well-liked stalwart in the plumbing business of northern Ohio, Jack McPane, who wants to reform the rampant corruption in the Ohio plumbing business. Joe's campaign promises a vast change in the entire way the plumbing business is run in Ohio. While his proposals change every week, he has advocated for the equalization of bathroom facilities across the state. "Why should some people have a gold-ornamented bidet and others just a bucket of water on the back porch? Free outhouses for all Ohioans!" Another platform is that all Ohioan plumbers must return immediately from outside the state, even if they haven't yet finished their plumbing jobs.

It looks like Joe and his allies in the corrupt union are up to their old tricks though - enormous unexplained donations from outside the state, a flood of questionable names registered as supposed union members, a massive, overwhelming, vicious propaganda campaign that closely follows the past German media patterns of some of his distant relatives. Enormous posters with Joe's imposing face in red looks down in inumerable union halls across Ohio with the caption, "Big Joe Loves You," or the more ominously worded, "Change: Or Else!" His supporters have also threatened McPane supporters and promised violence if Joe doesn't win.

So, no more whitewashing of this racist. This persona polluting the landscape of the media stinks to high heaven. This election year, know your Joes. The real "Joe the Plumber," is not the fabled, mythological Joe of six-pack fame, nor much less, Joe Biden who hangs out at the local Home Depot trying to fix a faucet leak. No, no. This is not just some harmless Schmoe, as the right-wing media is desperately trying to portray him. He is more like Joe Goebbels, rather than Joe Cool (although it is reported that Joe does like Camels.) The Joe that I know through this investigation is not the Joe that the average Joe Blow knows, and he is definitely not my cup of Joe.

The McCain Campaign: A Threat to Democracy and Peace

It is Time to Get Tough With Them! Enough! Basta!

It is an understatement of the understatement of the millenium to say I am in an outrage. Although some of my closest associates would say that I am in a perpetual outrage, nevertheless, my amazing capacity for tolerance, humanitarianism, and liberalism can only go so far. The McCain campaign has crossed the lines of tolerance, decency, respect, and acceptability.

First, the McCain campaign is arresting and attacking voter registration organizations across the country and throwing these workers in jail on trumped up charges of fraud. They dare to cast aspersions upon and to question the validity of the heroic voter registration campaign waged by the activist brothers of ACORN and their thousands of hired canvassers hired from homeless shelters and paid for by your tax dollars to raise support for Sen. Obama. How dare they attack our democratic process by demanding that every ballot be checked for accuracy and valdity. What kind of Nazi sentiments would declare that the Cleveland Browns football team, Mickey Mouse, people that cannot read or write or have trouble breathing, or seventy-two people named "Joe Smith" do not have the right to excercize their democratic right to vote Democratic? This is an outrage! They actually demand verification of these millions of new voters! Yea right! Checking ID's, verification and pursuing supposed false registrations is just another sleazy attempt by the McCain campaign to completely destroy democracy in America.

But things are getting worse than that. An expert journalist at the HuffPo said in article that he heard at a P-P-P-Palin rally (I am trying not to be vulgar) reported that he heard somebody say "KILL HIM!" when Palin dared let The Name cross her vile, evil-speaking lips. She should not even be allowed to say his name, much less allowing her supporters to scream "Kill Him!" The Media dutifully reported it and Obama brought it up in the third debate as a grave national security issue. Never mind if the security team working the event, and the FBI investigators could not corroborate the claim, saying that what was said was apparently "Tell them!" The mere suggestion that it was said is enough! These people are utterly dangerous. Plus everyone knows that while the FBI and security people are utterly untrustworthy, the Media would never lie. I am outraged! Something must be done!

Obama boldly and unashamedly said today, that he is outraged at FoxNews for its unfair reporting against him. I am even more outraged. Though Obama is outspending the McCain campaign by 3 to 1 in most areas, (only 2 to 1 in the rest) he is only 5 points ahead instead of 20, due to the biased, mean, reporting of Fox on non-issues like a few harmless guys who live in his neighborhood, his alleged lack of experience, his plan to tax a few greedy people who don't want to share their wealth, ETC., ETC. So what if it may be true that NBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC, CNN, and all the newspapers and national news magazines are unabashedly campaigning for Obama. That is only fair and balanced because it balances out the unfairness at "fair and balanced" FoxNews. Americans need to hear the truth of how Obama will save the economy, give everyone health care, lower the debt, help the economy by taxing the wealthy and the greedy corporations, and bring world peace and general wonderfullness to earth. At a time like this we cannot have all the news media saying one thing, and then one single media outlet saying a bunch of lies against it. We need unity, to speak of one mind and one voice with one vision. Fox is trying to bring division and confusion and needs to either start reporting like the rest of the Media or be shut down for the sake of democracy and truth.

Finally, in one of the most outrageous exhibits of violence ever in a U.S campaign, McCain thugs decided they would march down the streets of the usually peaceful, progressive street of the upper West side of NYC, and actually carry McCain-Palin signs! It is clear the whole plan was to offend the leftist sensibilities of the enlightened, progressive denizens of this oasis of light and culture. This was like having the KKK march down into Harlem, or the Jews in downtown Tehran. As can be seen on the video I posted on the left column, and as was sinisterly intended by the McCain campaign, the tolerant, peace-loving people were provoked and incited into a near riot by the aggresive, brownshirt behavior of the McCain marchers of their territory.One poor democracy-loving, Democratic pacifist was so offended by their behavior that he bravely chose to take on one of the fascist marchers one-on-one, taking the signs, tearing them up, and hitting one thug on the head repeatedly. It didn't matter that the thug was an older woman of sixty, she is a danger to society and our hope for Change and world peace. Now the poor man who was provoked into hitting her sits unjustly in a jail. This is an outrage and we demand his immediate release and the dropping of all charges! We are raising money for his bail so he can go home to his mother who needs him desperately.

Although I agree with Obama that silly symbolic gestures like saying the Pledge, wearing a flag pen, or putting your hand over your head instead of, say, your crotch, are obsolete, I still love America. But, like the Obamas have repeatedly said, that love is not for whatever she was or is, but what she could be. These outrages from the McCain campaign clearly point to an end to democracy as we know it and a threat to what we can be, the change that we hope for which we are because, well, we have been hoping for it. A news outlet that dares to report things that cause confusion and doubt, marchers that are violent just by virtue of holding signs up, screams in rallies that purposefully re made to sound like something that it maybe isn't - this is all unacceptable violence on the part of the McCain campaign and is worse than even the supposed attacks by supposed oppressed groups on a few towers. All we lost on that day was a couple of ugly buildings and a few thousand money-grubbing capitalists and imperialists. This is much worse. We are losing democracy!

The Hatred and Bigotry of the Republicans Has Done Me In

Take heart! There is a solution!
I don't know what has happened to me. I am generally a peaceful person, except for when I was involved a bit in the peace effort during the Vietnam era. We had to bomb a few targets like the Statue of Liberty and Independence Hall as a symbolic statements for the freedom of the people of Southeast Asia, and it worked! Our peace effort brought peace to millions of citizens of Southeast Asia, millions of whom are now living peacefully in the U.S.

But I digress. Everytime I see that goddam evil, %^$% racist, neo-nazi #$%&^ bitch thing from Alaska, I simply lose all my normal intelligence, poise, tolerance, love for humanity and calm demeanor. You may not be able to tell it by my literary eruditions, but everytime I see her on TV at home, she sends me into uncontrollable hysterical fits of animalistic rage . My insurance company is no longer believes me that my third plasma screen TV just spontaneously exploded again and are now refusing to replace it. Greedy corporate thieves! I am on meds. I wake up at nights in cold sweats with horrific nightmares of plastic glasses and twangy Middle-American prose echoing in my terrified heart. And most tragic of all, my thinking and conversation has become erratic and incoherent, which is starting to affect my writing. I am out of control. My life is unmanageable.

I have admitted I need help and that there is a higher power available, at a cost - Dr. Weinstein, my therapist. She has been helping me to work through all this, to comprehend why this....this...that....#$%^%$ Palin!... sends me, a reknown professor of human ontology and PHD from Harvard, into a total frightening freak-out fit of nuclear meltdown defcon5 batshit crazy blathering barbarity. She has comforted me in showing me that I am not alone in this struggle, but that many of the finest, most brilliant, creative people on the planet are caught in this horrid, inhumane vortex of mindless fanatic rage and hate, people like Madonna, Matt Damon, Gloria Steinem, all the dozens of once-famous-out-of-work actors who now write 50$ articles for the HuffPo excoriating Palin, ETC., ETC.

Yesterday, in my group therapy session at the San Fransisco Zen Center, we had a wonderful breakthrough. We were discussing exactly why %^&!%$ Palin incites so many of us peace-loving people dedicated to humanitarianism, tolerance, women's lib, and open-mindedness into deep, scary, vein-popping levels of hatred and clinically off-the-charts exhibitions of Tourette's Syndrome. One of our group, a screen writer for sex therapy films, suddenly had a glorious epiphany. "Hey! We are not really all that bad!" he shouted out to the group almost spilling his raspberry double-macadamia nut frappé. "No?" we asked hopefully in stunned unison. "NO!" he screamed letting his super-ego take a backseat to his id. "It's all her fault! Everytime they criticize an Obama position or associate, they are being like the racist bigots who burned alive those little black school girls in Alabama! I am seeing it now...We are not guilty!" ( Although later, some cynically thought he might have been seeing a newsfeed about Rep. Lewis' statements on his iPhone.) Oh it was incredible! We all leaped up in childlike joy and release, and started taking off our clothes while marching in a circle chanting, "Kill Ms. Piggie! Kill Ms. Piggie! Kill Ms. Piggie!" It was so liberating!

So now I am free. Free at last! I am in my 12th step now - carrying the message to others who suffer pangs of conscience about their irrational, sub-human hatred toward Sarah Palin- It's OK! No more guilt and shame when I say that I would like to take that %$#%$%ing Sarah Palin and film her getting tortured and raped by brothers from Harlem, as one Prgressive recently suggested. And then, before kicking her ass myself with my hobnailed boots until she screams for mercy, as Madonna suggested to thousands of hooting fans , I will burn her trailer-trash family alive before her eyes just before finishing her off by making her drink muriatic acid and letting the last words she ever hears be, "It's all your fault Ms. Hottie... plus I hate those glasses!"

....and besides she's so....so.... mean to those poor animals!!!

Getting My Lumps In: My Take on The Debate

McCain took some lumps. Obama utterly annihilated McCain. His breathing and voice work were quite evident. His voice beautifully resonated and projected itself with the sound of confidence. His technique was flawless in establishing a compelling kinesthetic unity. It seems as if George Clooney or Sean Penn worked with him in body language, as his tertiaries, secondaries, and transfers were perfectly timed and wonderfully executed. His eye contact both reassuring and challenging. His identity and empathy skills were evident, and he appeared to have been well practiced in the Outside-In Approach, and seemed to be quite well in touch with himself and his inner psyche. Only a few times did he look shaken and distracted and in danger of losing his poise and straying from his persona. But Obama quickly recovered and easily overcame those poundings by giddy laughing, smirking, head-shaking and interrupting. It was simply marvelous to see that he did not fall apart (as I predicted in a previous article) like a teenager inundated with hormones.

In all, Obama did what he was supposed to do. He projected a feeling of absolute assurance and complete knowledge to the audience, which, by the polls and CNN reports today, seemed to have impressed many impressionable people. He just perfectly portrayed the dignified Presidential mien, and convincingly conveyed the very essence of capableness, bringing to mind the black actor, Dennis Haysbert's character, David Palmer, who ran for President in the "24" series. He also reminded me of Denzel Washington, Morgan Freeman, and Lawrence Fishburne all together.

Simply put, this was no contest. This was Mike Tyson vs Peewee Herman. This was William Hung vs. LaToya.

All the old man had were facts. Hello? May I speak to Mr...........Boooooooring!!!

(P.S. And can anybody tell me who his make-up artist was? That was truly inspiring!)

Barry Obama's Totally New Kind of Spirituality

Barry’s Multi-Cultural, Muslim-Friendly,
Neo-Marxian, Openminded, Totally cool,
Cutting Edge, Post-Modern Christianity

Barry Hussein told us this week to start getting in your damn reactionary, bitter, religion-and-gun-clingers, stupid, racist, Middle American faces. So, here I am. While we of the Left are generally a very pacifist, tolerant crowd, unless it involves Anti-War, Anti-Zionist, Anti-Bush, Anti-multinational corporations, Anti-progressive, or Anti-speciesism activities, the drop in Barry’s polls means there is a serious problem in your thinking, America, and I am here to fix it or else. Do I sound bitter? Damn straight, and with reason, you mentally defective flag-waving, family-values bootlickers!

Here’s the first lie I demand that the forces of Nascar America stop spreading -he’s not a Muslim, idiot! Get it? Those lying right-wing smear-mongers, like the Sarah “Earmark” “Neo-Nazi” Palin, just make up that crap to fool you and divide us! So what if he has a Muslim name? Big frickin’ deal if he had a Muslim father, who he wrote about idealizing him…or that he had a Muslim stepfather. That is all. Well, he was raised for the most part in a Muslim country and attended a Muslim school where he learned to recite the Quran and speaks perfect Arabic. Ok, so he might appreciate Islam, calling the summons to worship Allah from the muzzenin “the prettiest sound on earth,” but that is not the same as actually being a Muslim. And just because all the Islamic groups like Hamas, Hezbollah, Muslim Brotherhood, American Muslim Association, CAIR, have publicly stated their support for him, as do many Muslim leaders like Col. Qadaffy, that does not mean he is a Muslim either. To paraphrase a metaphor, if Daffy Duck likes me because maybe I know how to quack like Daffy, that does not necessarily make me a duck, does it? That's daft! That’s goofy!

Dear reactionary Mr. Conservative Moron, please try to let your one solitary brain cell absorb this information - Obama is a Christian for Crissakes! Some claim that Barry’s pastor for 20 years was an ex-Muslim, but that was only before he became a rich, Christian pastor, although one who maybe just likes to emulate certain Muslims like Farrakhan or Malcolm X, extolling them as the best examples to follow. But that was before the damn polls negatively affected his quest for the Presidency, so it's a moot debate point anyway.

But cripes, Barry is a damn Christian I tell you! Hell, a couple of his campaign spokesmen, Rep. Cohen and Tom Brokaw, said just last week, he’s like, the Nazareth dude himself, who supposedly fed the multitudes on a few frickin loaves and fishes. That's nothing! Barry will feed the whole world from a few taxes. And he, worked even harder than Jesus because he had to actually get out on the streets to organize the community to endlessly harangue politicians to loosen up the government purse strings to the tune of gazillions so as to feed the multitudes of poor, hungry, destitute progressive programs and friends. Dayum! Come to think, Barry is probably more Christian than Christ himself for Crissakes! Barry Obama understands the real Jesus, not the ridiculous myth fools have believed for 2000 years. Barry follows the historic Jesus who was a radical revolutionary for the oppressed, who took up the scimitar to execute jihad against the multi-national Roman corporation and unbelieving people who would not submit. Barry, like Jesus and Mohammed, was a community organizer who tried to unite us all, in a community. So maybe Mohammed was somewhat more successful at uniting than Jesus was, but Barry will be even more successful, I think. And you right-wing bigots claim he is a Muslim? Ha! What idiots! I wish Iran or the Saudis would decree some kind of friggin’ fatwa against those bastards. They would be doing the rest of the world a big favor.

Don’t get me wrong. I mean, it’s not that there is anything really wrong about being a Muslim either. Actually, it’d be great if he were a Muslim! And it’d be so cool if we had our first Muslim President. He could help stop all the persecution of Muslims in the U.S beginning at Gitmo. It’s nobody’s business anyway what private belief a candidate has, unless you are a right-wing fundie Christian like Saracuda Palin. We all know that Christianity is responsible for most of the world’s suffering and problems and that Islam is the religion of peace. It is far less dangerous than those right-wing, fundie Christian extremists like Sarah Palin, who threaten to force a theocracy on America and start executing gays and apostates. But Obama is not that kind of Christian. He’s a hip, post-modern one, the kind that understands Islam in a very deep and profound way, and perhaps, considering his statements, far deeper than he understands even his own faith. (Not that I understand anything about that dieing, reactionary, archaic, cross-obsessed faith either, which is no real loss.) And this is exactly what we need at this time of crisis and fear in America. Since we have oppressed, offended and attacked Islam through the phony “War on Terror” Obama will be very uniquely prepared to heal the wounds between the US and the Ummah.

And these American idiots say he has no experience that would qualify him as a POTUS and leader of the world??? I say, "God damn America!" if he doesn't get elected. Twenty years in Rev. Wright’s church more than prepared him to lead America in a totally new way than anyone has ever even thought of or imagined.

The Absolute Brilliance of the Democratic Strategy

As we must suffer through all the right-wing yapfests gloating over the supposed demise of the once-inevitably triumphant Obama campaign, and as some of our operatives within the media are seemingly harried and horrified, I see nothing but victory ahead for Obama and for the people.

Mention is being made especially of our Obama's alleged "lack of stamina," emotional weakness, and "hissyfit" thrown at a seemingly diminutive "woman" who shall remain nameless, but who innocuously smiles from behind teacher glasses, but in whom resides the very quintessence of pure malevolence. One Democratic columnist even described her as "a Trojan Moose."

Yet in my expert analysis of analyzing over thirty years of unending defeat of the revolutionary progressive forces of the Democratic Party by the forces of the reactionism, I see this seeming breakdown in composure and poise in Obama as a huge Trojan Elephant. I see hope on this dark horizon, a hope that will crush forever the forces of right in Amerikkka. Here it is: Our strength is Barack Obama's weakness. Read that again, for just like the Repukes are jumping and howling in glee like the subhumans from East Flyover, Oklahoma, they are, you dear intelligent progressive Leftist might miss it's real significance and hope for our cause too.

Barack Hussein (I, for one, am proud of that name) Obama will win this thing for us through his being weak! Think with me, dear fellow intellectual and activist. We all know without even thinking about it that, as one great modern political leader said at the U.N., "the hegemonic pretensions of the American empire are placing at risk the very survival of the human species". What we need and what millions of Americans sense is that we don't want any more macho-man cowboyism in the White House, invading legitimate regimes and taking over countries. Americans have been doing this for centuries, especially the last one, as our more genteel European cousins can testify. Europeans are desperately afraid of people like Bush and typical Americans. This is why they flocked like gazelles during mating season to hear Obama speak on his triumphant, historic European Tour. They sensed a CHANGE. They sense a new kind of American, a nicer, more genteel, suave, yea.... a metrosexual one!

Millions of Americans sense the same. Many of us grew up with no mean, authoritarian dads to rough us up and make us play fight or sports, to develope our more aggresive, deleterious tendencies. Millions of young people are no longer bound by the harsh and unforgivable delineations of "man" or "woman" or "masculine" or "feminine" behavior. Testosterone-driven aggresive behavior, apart from starting world wars and subjugating the womyn, is downright scary to many of us!! Obama, while he idealized his father in one of his several autobiographies, never really knew him, and like millions of Americans boys and girls today, were beneficially protected from any real male nurturing.

This is wonderful on two fronts! One, millions of Americans are now much less aggresive, mean, cowboy-like than their predecessors. Millions feel very uncomfortable with male, bellicose, aggresive assertiveness today. Second, we now have a leader who can not only identify with millions of Americans who are oppressed by the white, male, Christian, corporate oligarchy, but one who is likewise of more docile constitution. Obama has a natural, hip, womyn-like understanding on life, and will be a more pacific, communicative (will sit down with anyone over coffee,) President, more in touch with his emotions than other Presidents. He will be a nurturing world leader who will care of us all, taking care of our health, educative, and especially, our compulsive emotional needs to feel good about ourselves and our community. And he will do the same for the world and the planet. He understands, for example, that Islamic fundamentaklists all just really need to be loved, understood, cared about, and this will dissolve world tensions.

Perhaps even more than the spectacle of Obama lashing out in true bitchy fashion at his half-pint competition -the Moose Anhilatoress- Obama may even soon break down and weep helplessly on national TV like a little school girl going through her first period. Like my of us who are wounded and are in more touch with our emotional needs, we can identify with Obama more than the some-relic-from-a-bygone-age McCain. we are the self-esteem generation who need to be loved, affirmed and praised. When Obama breaks down at perceived threats to his need to be admired, loved and esteemed, and while other older Americans may cringe at horrified disgust, we of the newer mold, actually weep with him identify with him, and are even more appreciative that we have some one who understands and represents us in the political sphere. And with one voice we rise up to say to the older, cowboy-like America, "Leave him aloooone!"

For this same reason, he was absolutely right in not selecting Hillary Clinton as his VP. But perhaps he could have done better than ole bombastic Joe Biden. Harry Reid, for example, is quite metrosexual, with a nondescript and unthreatening kind of new "masculinity."